This is crazy, I don’t know how long its been, a couple years at least. From feeling immortal and undying, to barely breathing, I don’t know how I got here, this was not my intention. I cared, I was there, I felt like I did, I felt like I loved. So what is this feeling, this feeling of loneliness, and why does it feel so strong, I mustve not been trying as hard as I thought. No that cant be, I will not blame the world, I cant blame them, I have made every decision in my life, I put myself here. So why is it so empty. Why do I feel like the wind could carry me away with a light breeze. Do I really pity myself that much, I was stronger… a few years ago.
Listening to cardigan. Relating more to the melody than the lyrics, the feeling more than the words, an idea Im too familiar with. Im not quite sure what this is yet, is it a sad story or is it something more, or possibly nothing at all. I think by the end of this I might have a better idea. I am so sorry and so incredibly not at the same time. When I look back I feel intense feelings of love, regret, pain and longing for the feeling I had when I was younger. More than anything I wish I could spend more time with that version of myself, he was funny, he was shy but just the right amount, he could make me laugh, matter of fact he made everyone laugh, he loved people more than anything else, he cared and made people happy, he would be there for you if you needed anything. I wish he would do that for me, what he did for everyone around him and I miss him more than anyone else. His smile, his heart, but he is dead, and the world killed him, his innocence taken from him. I had no idea the world was so cruel, poor naive baby, you thought the world was bright and loving, im so sorry it was not, but to know sadness is to know happiness as one is just the absence of the other. Im told its better to know love and hurt than to never know love at all and while I don’t disagree, while there is beauty in this world, knowing beauty also means knowing what is not. I wish I could take that pain away from you, sweet boy. You deserve the world, you may still, I cant say. I will pray for you to feel love again, to feel loved again. I hope to get you out of here and somewhere safe.
Fuck them, fuck them all, you tried, more than any of them – that’s what you feel. But you cannot force people to feel more than they do no matter how hard you try. Your emotions and feelings do no not always reflect in others, that is still something you are getting to learn but I know you will. It hurts to try I know, but to not try is worse. Life is so very complicated and as much as pain hurts, joy overcomes it. I know you know that. I cant guarantee it for you, I cant even promise you you will feel it again, I can only tell you if you don’t try you surely never will. What a conundrum! You must choose… surely you will choose as no choice is a choice which only leads to the latter. Ive told you this, now you know, but I know you. You will try only with half your heart because the other half is no longer with us is it… I will not push you, I can only watch over you from here, hoping that I can spark it in you again. This is what ill do, I will whisper to you that you are worth it, I will tell you I care, I will love you, until one day you believe me. That will be my duty to you. My sweet boy. We will be okay, you and me, me and you, us. We have each other.
The world will let you down, that is its purpose, to test you, to see if youre strong enough, to teach you resilience and survival, to fend for yourself, that is what this world is. For each of us it is different, this is what it is for you, you cannot change it or fight it, but you have to try, as that is the very definition. No sense it dwelling on the unequal playing field, this will only slow you down. Look you are last to leave the starting line, unfair? I warned you, you simply did not listen to my words, you cant fight or change the rules, but you must. Go before you are left too far behind, its not easy is it? Run. You must go faster, I will not wait for you, no one will. Look around you, they are all gone, you are running alone. Where are you going? Not that way hahaha. You have no sense of direction, you wont make it in time. This is scary isn’t it? What if I told you this wont ever change. You may feel like you don’t wanna play this game anymore, but that is a road you cant journey down, even less answers await you there, but wait, we are not there yet, in time my sweet boy. Keep going do you see that?
You may find what they call light, it surely is an amazing feeling, it is purpose, it will scare away the dark, it might even guide you, oh how joyous this is, you can see. The world surely is beautiful, light surely is beautiful. It must be why this is all possible, why we are here, to love. Without a doubt this must be true, this is more than a feeling it is a reason. You may find more light than most, you may radiate it yourself and surely you will taste and drink and touch and feel this world in full. When you do, you will become light and provide it to others who so need it like you once did. But let me tell you this, do not let it consume you, as bright as the light is, to know light means to know that light is but the absence of dark. And a dark room is never darker than once the last glimpse of light leaves its corners. This is a lesson, all learn, and you are no exception, as much as you believe you are.
You are forever but you are not undying, you are mother but you are your fathers son. You are perfect and divine but you are damaged and human. Life is complicated i told you. I know your hurt and I know your love, keep them with you, know the dark so you are grateful for the light, words so common yet undoubtably the only known and surviving truth.
Everything I’ve taught you so far should be easy to remember. Except you are forbidden from it and you may not. It is not for you, you had never known what they say is it. You are deluded, sick. You cannot know, only the righteous do, and they will throw you with stones until you understand, for I have given different meanings for the same word, it had to be done, otherwise all you see would be the same, and then there would be no beauty and with this you will come to understand that true beauty cannot be known until what is truly not is known, but which is which none of you will ever know. Hello, is this you?
So much is not known, you may not ask too much. But yes this is you and I am here, you are going to be fine my sweet boy, I am here for you, and I love you, I know I don’t tell you enough but it is true, please be good and do all you can I promise it will be worth it. Almost… almost at a break, pick up your phone, there is more for you there, take a look, take a break. Or don’t. holy shit. Hi
Tell me,
- A conversation