First of all, excuse me for my poor english. Finally I have found a place where to write my story. Probably not a lot of people will read it, but like someone said, sometimes it is conforting to scream into the void. I met my girlfriend in 2018. From the moment we saw each other, we fell madly in love. Always together, she gave me wifey vibes from day one. I have never had a real girlfriend before, my heart was all for her, she was my princess, and I know she felt the same way.
Everything felt so perfect until that horrible day, 22nd March 2020. It was a sunday, and the day before my gf went to the birthday party of her best friend. I hated her, so I told my gf that I would have stayed at home and she could have gone, no problem. I watched a movie, I think it was Adaptation, a Nicholas Cage movie, and fell asleep. The morning after I woke up and as usual I read the news. Three young people died in a car crash.
You know, there is a part of your brain that protects you from having those thoughts. A sort of Ockham’s razor. A lot of young people die in car crashes on sunday mornings. I didn’t make the connection immediately. But there was a sensation of dread, this time i knew something was wrong. A phone call was enough. My princess, the most important thing I ever had on this world was dead.
So, why am I posting my story here? Well, after the first months of complete dread, the mandatory isolation because of lockdown got me thinking. I remembered one of our days together. She was a big fan of the Conjuring saga, and we were talking about the existence of ghosts. I have always been a bit skeptical and she was a true believer so i told her something like: “well I am a lot older than you (6 years not a pedo) and I am always sick, there is a lot of possibilities that i might die before you. So, if there is a way, I will come back and try to make contact with you”.
You know, that is one thing I said in a million, but after her death lockdown came and I was completely alone. But I never felt that way. The week after they hold the funeral. As you can imagine, I was ugly crying and at one moment one kind woman put her hand on my shoulder. I felt immediately relived, and when i managed to stop the tears I turned to thank her, but nobody was there. I was too shook to think about something so I still didn’t make the association.
I said I never felt alone because after that moment at the funeral the dread stopped. I managed to sleep and I slept peacefully. Except some times that I woke up randomly during the night. Every time I turned to speak to her, but she wasn’t here. Or I couldn’t see her at least. Because in the moment I woke up, everytime I know for sure she was there, in the same spot she always slept. I know it is impossible, but I felt her. Every single time. Her smell, her presence. The only thing missing was her body. One night I felt more brave and I tried calling her name. From that moment for some day everything stopped.
After some weeks, I woke up again in the middle of the night. We didn’t argue often, but a thing I hated about her was that she always forgot the water open in the bathroom. It bothered me so much that we started joking about it, and she often let it open willingly. Well, I woke up to that familiar sound of water running in the bathroom. No one lives with me. At that moment I made the association. She had found a way to come back to me. Well, after some minutes. As soon as I realized what the sound was I was shitting my pants. But when the fear passed, I started crying with joy. We had found a way to create a connection that managed to defeat death.
After that, I had to found a way to communicate. I had already done “seances” when I was a kid, but those were fake. I tried everything, but nothing worked. I called her in a dream, nothing. Ouija boards, nothing. One night i tried calling her. I was desperate, I cried. I shouted her name loud and I felt some noises behind me. Then silence. Maybe those sounds were her struggling to communicate and everything she could do was moving some objects a little, like in the movie Interstellar. And for some weeks silence after that. I almost fainted.
So I stopped trying to communicate, maybe it hurts her or it costs her too much energy or… who knows. But she is there nonetheless. Even now, as I am typing my story she is behind me in my bed. I have learned to feel her even though i can’t see her. I can’t talk to her, I can’t touch her but sometimes she make herself heard. When I wake up in the middle of the night, when I get home and find the water open, when I am sad or exhausted I can feel her. Some other times I have heard things moving when I am not looking. I should be scared, but I am not. I realized that I lived in complete solitude since that day. I work from home so I leave only to buy food. I have never interacted with other person in two years but I do not feel alone.
There is only one thing I want to know: I want to be sure that she is there to stay with me and she is not angry. Angry because I didn’t go with her to that damn party. If I was driving that night, maybe we wouldn’t have crashed. But I won’t force her to talk. One day we will meet again and I will ask. If she’s angry I will find a way to make things up. Sometimes I think about making that day come faster, but I know she doesn’t want that. I will live my life for me and for her, I know she sees things through my eyes. She liked sunsets and today there was a beautiful one. We watched it together. And with those little things, I keep waiting for the day we will touch again and just tell her: “I knew, you did it. I love you.”