My sister, Sarah, passed away when I was ten years old. Her death had a profound effect on my upbringing. I was never a perfect little angel, but after Sarah died, everything changed. My parents paid less attention to me, always attending therapy sessions and meetings with support groups, leaving me to fend for myself most of the time.
When they were home, it was always “oh, Sarah would’ve loved this,” or “such a shame Sarah didn’t get to experience that.” I felt lost. Neglected. Thrown to the wayside like an old magazine. So, I started lashing out. Skipping school, intentionally causing arguments, bullying. You get the picture.
I caused a lot of people to hurt. And for that, I’m truly sorry. It’s been especially heavy on my conscience lately, so I think it’s time I tell my story.
It all began that Saturday evening in the woods behind my house. Tanner and I were hanging out well past when we should’ve been, per usual. If only I’d just obeyed my parents like I should have. If only.
“Dude, I should probably be heading back now. I don’t want to get home too late.”
“Alright. I’m going to stay out here a little longer,” I said, watching the smoke from my cigarette billow high into the warm summer air.
“You sure, bro? Your parents are going to kill you if you come home past dark again.”
“Man, fuck my parents. You think I give a shit what they think? Also, someone’s gotta stash the goods,” I retorted, nodding to the half-empty bottle of Crown Royal lying among the dry dead leaves.
“Suit yourself. See you at school on Monday. Pound it.”
I fist-bumped him. He sped off on his bike, zigzagging through trees until he was no longer in sight. I stamped out my depleted Marlboro and stooped to retrieve the liquor. And that’s when I heard it. A woman’s nauseating screams emanated from deeper in the forest.
“Help! Help me!”
I immediately bolted in their direction. If someone was in trouble, I had to help them. Unless… No, it couldn’t be. The woman’s languished shrieks were too authentic for it to be a ruse. My legs began to ache and my lungs burned like charcoal on a hot grill. Just as I was beginning to wonder how much further I had to go, I reached a small clearing.
I surveyed my surroundings, searching desperately for the source of the petrified wails. Tall grass sprouted from the ground, obscuring my vision. After studying the dense brush, though, I saw it. A dilapidated, crumbling well. The horrendous cries were resonating from within. I darted toward it, navigating through the shrubbery to the best of my ability. Once I reached it, I instantly noticed a pair of withered hands clinging to the eroding stone.
“Ma’am, I’m here to help!” I yelled, attempting to console the terrified woman.
“Oh, thank you! Thank you! Please, pull me up!”
I grabbed her by the wrists and began to hoist her out of the pit, fueled by fear and adrenaline coursing through my veins. I gradually succeeded as a head crested over the ridge of the weathered rock, followed by the rest of her. She eventually wormed her way out. I toppled backward, sending both of us sprawling to the dirt. I composed myself, rising to my feet while working to steady my labored breathing. The woman did the same.
I drank in her features. She was a feeble lady, her appendages thin and brittle. A shawl veiled her head and a dark cloak concealed her frame. Her face was haggard, clearly wilted with time. She turned her gaze to me, sharp green eyes reflecting an appreciative gratitude.
“Thank you for saving me, sonny. I took quite the tumble there. What’s your name?”
“I’m Max. Pleasure to meet you,” I said, extending a hand.
She shook it, her grip soft and weak.
“Margaret.”
“Nice to meet you, Margaret. I should really be getting home now. I’m glad everything turned out okay.”
I turned to traverse the forest and find my way back.
“Wait! Before you go, I have something for you. A little reward for helping a poor old woman.”
“I really couldn’t accept anything, ma’am. I-”
“I’ll grant you a single wish.”
I stood in silence for a moment, mulling over her words.
“A wish? Is this some kind of joke?”
“Look at me, Max. Do I look like I’m joking?”
Her countenance was stern and unwavering.
“Well… no.”
“Alright then. One wish. Whatever your heart desires.”
I pondered for a moment. Even if this lady had lost it, I didn’t see any harm in playing along. I stared directly into her eyes as I made my request.
“I want to be dead to the world.”
Her brows furrowed in confusion.
“Surely you don’t want that. I can grant you anything. I can make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. I could turn you into a celebrity. I can arrange for you to become the most powerful man on Earth. Oh! I’ve got it. You could be president of the United States. When you come of age, of course. You could have the best of both worlds. It would be-”
“Look, I don’t want money or power or fame. I just want to be able to do what I want, when I want, without having to answer to anyone. I want to be dead to the world.”
Margaret pursed her lips.
“Okay. I will accept your proposal. But just know that once I do, it can not be reversed. Are you certain that this is what you most desire?”
“Yes. More than anything.”
“So it will be done.”
“Cool. Now, I really have to get going. Thanks for the, um, reward.”
She nodded as I trudged through the greenery. I, of course, arrived home past my parents’ curfew. I received a verbal lashing and was sent to my room without supper. Fine by me. They wouldn’t be able to prevent me from sneaking down the hall for a late-night snack once they hit the hay.
So, once my parents had turned in for the evening, that’s exactly what I did. I crept down the moonlit hallway, shuddering at the shadows dancing on every visible surface. I greedily licked my lips as I arrived at my destination. Light illuminated the kitchen as I gathered the components for my sandwich. And then, I dropped mustard.
It clattered to the floor, cracking the lid, a bright yellow splotch blossoming on the otherwise pristine linoleum. My parents’ door creaked open. I was caught. My mother stormed out of their room, marching up to me with purpose.
“Max, what do you think you’re doing? We told you no dinner. No means no.”
“So you just expect me to starve? I’m fucking hungry. This is bullshit,” I hissed, tears welling in the corners of my eyes.
“Don’t talk to me like that, young man. This is your own doing. Hopefully next time you’ll think twice before disobeying us.”
“I hate you so damn much,” I retorted, slamming the refrigerator door.
My mother slapped me hard across my face. I was stunned. She’d never laid a hand on me in my fifteen years on this planet. I glowered at her, hand pressed to my cheek. Tears began to trickle down her face.
“Fuck. you.”
I left her there, quietly sobbing. I didn’t regret my actions. I didn’t think I was in the wrong. I mean, I came home late because I was helping someone, and they wanted to punish me? I was fuming. I munched on the chips I’d managed to pilfer before going to sleep, the events of the night joggling around in my head. I remember thinking that the old woman was full of shit before subsequently drifting off to a restless slumber.
I groggily opened my eyes. My alarm blared on the nightstand beside me. I hit snooze. My alarm sounded again. I delayed getting up once more. Before I knew it, I was an hour late to start my morning routine. So what. It didn’t matter if I was a few minutes late to school, right?
“Max, time to get up! You’re late!” Mom shrieked.
“I’m up! Leave me alone!”
I rolled over and shut my eyes.
“Max, I’m serious! Don’t make me come in there!”
“I said I’m up! Fuck off already!”
Pounding rattled my door. It flew open before I had a chance to shout back.
“Maxwell Irving Johnson, if you don’t get your lazy butt-”
The words caught in her throat. She stared incredulously at where I lay in bed. All the color drained from her face. I shot her a perplexed glance.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
She didn’t respond. She silently wandered away. I soon realized why she was so upset. I slid out of bed and gazed at my unkempt covers. My own cold lifeless eyes stared back at me. My heart rate spiked, and my stomach twisted itself into knots. The woman. She’d actually granted my wish.
Mom dragged Dad into the room, crying hysterically. His face dropped when he laid eyes on my exanimate motionless corpse. He dropped to his knees, and tears began streaming down his face. Mom tentatively approached my bed. Her bottom lip quivered as she gingerly ran her fingers along my cheek.
“I-I’m so sorry, Max. This is all my fault. Maybe if I hadn’t been so hard on you…”
She trailed off, unable to force back the waterworks any longer. She wailed, ugly lamented screams reverberating off the walls.
“M-Mom. I’m right here! It’s not your fault, Mom. Please, I’m here.”
My words went unacknowledged. Dad shuffled over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder.
“Honey, you can’t blame yourself. He wasn’t the same after Sarah. We tried everything we knew to do for him.”
“No. We could have done things differently. I could have done things differently. I should’ve gone a little easier on him.”
She turned to her husband and sobbed into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, and they just held each other. They remained in their mournful embrace for a long time. Mom’s anguished cries shattered my heart into pieces. I tried everything to get them to notice me. I screamed, I shook them, I even tried throwing things at them. Nothing worked.
They eventually slunk down the hall, mumbling incoherently amongst themselves as they went. Mom glanced back one last time before lowering her head and reluctantly walking away. I sat on the edge of my bed as the weight of my actions came crashing down on me like a pile of bricks. I stayed there for hours, thinking about where I’d gone wrong. The lies, the intentional screw ups, the blatant lack of respect. I was a terrible son.
I wept, hands shielding my face, until two burly men entered my room, along with my parents. They wheeled in a squeaky rusted gurney. Atop it lay a body bag. One of the men turned to my parents.
“You might not want to be here for this part.”
They remained still.
“Suit yourselves. Come on, Mike.”
I watched, filled to the brim with compunction, as they hoisted my pallid expressionless carcass into the bag and laid it roughly on the stretcher. I looked away as they zipped me up, struggling to choke down the bile creeping up my throat.
“Be careful with him,” Mom whimpered, as they rolled me away.
“Sorry about that. We’ll be more gentle with him next time.”
Though I’m sure they had no intentions to keep that promise, it seemed to offer Mom a sliver of consolation. And with that, I was alone again, left with nothing but my thoughts and Mom’s consistent muffled bawling.
This was the end. I forfeited my whole life for what? Because I was feeling edgy? Because I wanted to seem cool? The reality of my situation began to dawn on me. I’d never have my first kiss, never get my driver’s license, never go to college. But worst of all, I’d never get to tell my parents how sorry I was. I longed just to be able to hug my mother one last time.
Just as hopelessness was beginning to seep into my bones, it hit me. The woman by the well. She’d gotten me into this. Surely she’d be able to get me out.
I darted out the back door as fast as my legs would carry me. The cool breeze dried my wet face as I flew back into the forest. I snaked through trees and bushes, maneuvering through the foliage in my frantic search for the glade. I passed a familiar notched bough, and I knew I was on the right path. After what felt like a lifetime, I burst through the clearing, sputtering and gasping for air. Leaning haphazardly against the decrepit well stood the woman.
“Back so soon, eh?” she called out, as I fought to catch my breath.
“Y-yeah. I need to reverse my wish.”
Her cracked sundried lips formed a thin line.
“Sorry, no can do. Like I said before, it can not be undone.”
Her words felt like a sucker punch to the gut.
“Mary, please. There must be something you can do.”
“It’s Margaret,” she said with a glare, “and now that I think of it, there is one way.”
“Please, whatever it is, I’ll do it.”
Her face contorted into a wide nefarious grin. Brown decaying teeth jutted from her mouth. I swore in that moment I saw a flash of red spark across her pupils.
“Give me your soul.”
xxx
I exploded through the back door, racing into the living room.
“Max, no running in the house. We’ve been over thi- oh,”
I locked Mom in a massive bear hug. She seemed shocked at first, reluctant to reciprocate, but after a few seconds, she returned the gesture. Pure unabated contentment flooded my heart. I wanted nothing more to remain in that moment forever.
“Mom, I’m sorry. For everything.”
“It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay.”
And it was. I apologized to my parents and tried my best to make amends with those I’d wronged. Our relationship is stronger than ever now. I’ve gone off to college where I met the love of my life. We’re expecting our first child this May. I couldn’t have asked for a better livelihood. But I’ve always had this nagging feeling. This itching gnawing weight that keeps me awake at night. Because I know, when it’s all over and my days are done, an endless eternity of suffering awaits me on the other side.