| Part 1 | Part 2 |
This is all going to sound ridiculous. I know that Christmas is two weeks away, but I swear to god an elf really did come down my chimney last night. I’m terrified.
My son shook me awoke this morning saying that there was this thing in the fireplace. At first, I thought was that it was a stinkbug, since he’s scared of those and they tend to get in the house around this time of the year, but he was quickly followed by my daughter who told me that it was this “wrinkly thing.” So I thought maybe a squirrel or a bird.
It was lying on top of the woodpile in our fireplace, a foot or so tall, with blackened skin and neon-green eyes. It had a little red felt santa hat on and an ashened pouch on its back. There was some writing on the pouch in Russian - игрушки для Санты. This translates to “toys for Santa,” but when we looked inside we found nothing.
My first instinct was that it was an elf doll that someone dropped down our chimney as a prank. I didn’t think anything was that weird until I looked at it more closely. For one, I couldn’t find the batteries anywhere. Second, its features were really fine. More detailed than on any doll I’d ever seen, right down to the genitalia, which are usually left off of children’s toys. It even had little grayish hairs coming from its wrinkled skin in odd places.
Then it stood up by itself and started to talk - in Russian. I grabbed my phone and was able to translate the words it repeats on a loop.
“Reindeer. Check.”
“Sleigh. Check.”
“Detonation Time. Check.”
Reindeers and sleighs I can understand, but “detonation time?” I quadruple checked that I translated it right, but that’s what I came up with. I thought it had to be a mistake.
I asked the kids if anyone might have pranked them, or if they knew anyone who’d pull such a stunt. The kids told me not that only did they not know anyone capable of such an act, they didn’t know a single person who could speak Russian. I called my wife, who’s away on a business trip, and asked her if she knew anyone who’d do such a thing. She also told me she didn’t know any Russians.
By then the kids were prodding it and poking it. One of them wanted to pick it up and give it a hug. I was like - no way. That’s when I went to dispose of it. When I tried to dump it in the trash it suddenly scurried away, scratching the palm of my left hand. This was no small cut either - I was bleeding. It ran back to the fireplace and gave me a look of death before starting to repeat its message again.
At that point, I knew it wasn’t a doll. Dolls didn’t come equipped with claws. For a moment, I wondered if it was some kind of animal, before I remembered that animals don’t speak Russian.
That’s when I started to get sweaty. This elf thing… clearly wasn’t manmade nor animal. So what exactly was it? And why was it saying “detonation time” on repeat? Was it some kind of bomb?
I realized I had to get us to safety and call the police. I told the kids to go out to the car in the garage. They whined at me about being hungry. I had to yell that they could die at any moment before they
complied. Then I snapped a picture of it on my phone and dialed 911. When I told the operator what I saw she laughed at me and practically hung up before I told her I had a picture. She told me she’d send a cruiser out right away. I grabbed some cash and a couple of snacks and ran out to the garage, all while the elf was still talking from the fireplace.
By the time I had gotten into the car and backed it out of the driveway to keep distance from the house (in case there was a bomb), a cruiser arrived. I spoke to two uniformed officers, one male and one female. From the cleanliness of their crisp blue uniforms, I’d guess that they didn’t get much action. I showed them the blood on my hand, and the picture on my phone. I told them what it was saying, and they suddenly looked scared. They told me they’d need to call in the bomb squad for this one. I guess that made sense. They told me to wait because it’d be awhile.
Ninety minutes passed before the bomb squad van pulled up. I’d never seen four guys look more skeptical when I told them the story. I expected that once they’d encountered the elf their minds would be changed, but when they left the house their was a furious look on their faces.
They said they couldn’t find a thing.
I went inside with the two police officers. The elf… it was gone. We looked in every cabinet, closet, crevice of the house and couldn’t find a trace of it. I even climbed up on the roof and looked down the chimney with a flashlight. Nothing.
So yeah, I have the entire Martin Township police department pretty pissed off at me.
I was relieved to have it gone. It was practically lunch time at this point, so I told the kids they could stay home from school and play video games. They were a bit traumatized by the whole thing, as you can imagine, as I was. I spent the entirety of the afternoon combing the house again from top to bottom, looking for signs of it. I didn’t give up until I noticed it was getting dark and realized that I had to make dinner.
At dinner, the kids were asking all kinds of questions. They were scared that it was going to show up tomorrow morning. Scared that it was going to crawl into their beds that night.
I told them that it was gone, that it was some kind of sick prank and that one day I’d find the perpetrator and have them drug through the town square (because that’s how I felt at that point, lol).
After dinner we watched a movie. I told them it could be anything but “Elf,” and I’d never heard greater mumblings of compliance from them. We eventually settled on some terrible Amazon Original with Eddie Murphy, I can’t remember the name of it now. We only got an hour in before they got sleepy. It was strange for them to tire out so early, but it had been a long day. I got them ready for bed and tucked in, promising them that the elf wasn’t around and couldn’t find them.
When I came back downstairs, everything seemed in order. I had a bit of a shiver, just thinking about it all. I called my wife to fill her in on the day and all that’d happened, but she didn’t pick up. That’s when I remembered she had a business function that night. Lucky her, schmoozing with all the execs.
I’ve never hated being a stay at home husband more.
I was surfing Reddit on my phone a bit ago when I saw a green light out of the corner of my eyes. Even though it only temporarily flashed in my eyes, I knew what it was right away. It was followed by a soft rustling, like the kind a mouse makes when it’s found a nesting place in your house. I gasped, barely able to move myself towards the fireplace in the other room.
It was staring straight at me, silently, green eyes boring into me like laser beams.
It hasn’t said anything yet, but I’m afraid it’s a bomb that could go off at any time. I can’t call the police. I don’t know what to do. Should I wake up the kids and leave, or k5lqafa