In the unlikely event that you happen to hear an unfamiliar noise that captures your attention, we kindly request that you approach the situation with immediate caution. We suggest thoroughly investigating your basement or seeking assistance from a neighbor within your apartment building. Additionally, seeking guidance from a knowledgeable individual and maintaining a calm and tranquil environment might prove to be beneficial.
We kindly request that you remain composed and refrain from unnecessary displays of alarm as we have established protocols in place to ensure your safety. If feasible, identify any available objects that may serve as temporary tools and patiently await the arrival of the Federal Bureau of Universal Knowledge (F.B.U.K.) authorities, who will promptly locate you and initiate a secure evacuation procedure. Find solace in a secure area, such as below furniture or inside closets, and conceal yourself until the evacuation is successfully completed.
In the highly improbable occurrence that you encounter a Soul Eater (vanator magicae), it is of utmost importance to expeditiously flee in the opposite direction. Under no circumstances should you engage in combat with a Soul Eater. If unfortunately cornered by such a creature, assume a protective position and make a large amount to alert other individuals of the presence of the Soul Eater.
We sincerely appreciate your valuable time and attention.
Warm regards,
Sherron Lux
Should you or any of your esteemed colleagues have any concerns pertaining to the security and integrity of our premises, we graciously extend an invitation for you to approach our highly respected and distinguished individual, Kenneth Edwards, or any other esteemed members who comprise our esteemed board of directors. The primary objective of reaching out to them would be to arrange a mutually convenient appointment, in order to attentively address and resolve the previously mentioned concerns.
We kindly request your attention to the current ongoing inspections being conducted by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (O.S.H.A.) on our premises. It is our utmost objective and aspiration to proactively evade any potential legal entanglements stemming from this situation, and we genuinely appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
In the highly improbable event that an agent of the Federal Bureau of Universal Knowledge (F.B.U.K.) encounters any form of incapacitation caused by an element within our premises, we assure you that a highly specialized and proficient cleaning crew, equipped with the requisite apparatus, will be promptly dispatched. Their mission will involve the meticulous restoration of cleanliness, while diligently ensuring the safety of all crew members involved, without being exposed to potentially life-threatening dangers themselves.
The safety of our crew members is of paramount importance to our mission, and also paramount to maintaining confidentiality. Rest assured, we are tremendously proud to declare that we have diligently upheld this commitment for over 25 years.
Sincerely,
Tommy Staleslate
Any individuals who have received a faxed copy of the new safety protocol regarding the recent O.S.H.A. inspections of the premises are kindly requested to inform a commanding officer about the transmission and resume adherence to the standard protocol. To ensure authenticity, all subsequent fax messages must be sent by a director from F.B.U.K. and their legitimacy must be verified. It is requested that any future faxed messages failing to meet these criteria be promptly destroyed.
Furthermore, it is crucial to emphasize that everything presented here is strictly confidential, and under no circumstances should any information be disclosed to the public unless explicit orders are received from a director.
Lastly, we would like to emphasize the importance of verifying the legitimacy of any government agent or official before granting them access to the premises. Failure to comply with this will result in subsequent termination.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
-Sharon Lux
It is imperative to inform you that former director Tommy Steelslate has been terminated from office, and all communication with him and his associates has been severed. Any employees found to be transmitting information to Tommy and his associates will be promptly dealt with, and eliminated.
It is necessary that all fax machines located within a 40-mile radius of Site 202 be promptly destroyed utilizing the process of atomization. Furthermore, it is essential that Specimen 333:2 is kept at a distance of no less than 40 feet from copper wire, and all variants of Specimen 333 are to be strictly confined under level 8 containment procedures without any form of communication. Non-compliance with the newly established protocol will result in severe consequences, including loss of life.
All future messages are to be sent and received through F.B.U.K. and F.B.I. software only. Any communication about any new procedure will be shared through F.B.I. private servers only. Data breaches and information leaks are to be addressed immediately and extensively, and anyone involved in said breaches are to be interrogated and blanked.
Thank you for your time,
-Sharon Lux