Whenever I couldn’t sleep as a kid my parents would tell me “Bad things only appear to those who believe in them” and “In all my years I have never seen a ghost and I’m over 30!” I couldn’t understand my parent’s confidence. They were so blatantly ignorant to my childhood fears. Back then, my bedroom window faced South. I enjoyed the natural morning light. It was common for the house behind mine to leave their porch light glowing till daybreak. It kept me awake most times. The old growth tree in my backyard, where my rope-swing once hung, it would cast a shadow into my room. I guess my neighbor had more money than they knew what to do with because, that light was always on.
The shadow of my rope-swing shifted at night - never too quickly. The movement was slow and persistent. It spilled into my bedroom like a running bath that overfills its tub. It grew as if the porch light was inching closer with each passing second - ever so persistent…ever so slow. I never saw detailed features of that thing of which I was certain. The only evidence I had of anything entering my room was the closet door; regardless of my attempt(s) it would be ajar by sunrise.
Time passed and I grew older. My mind grew stronger and my focus was demanded by: high school, friends, car, girlfriend, college. I live alone now. I moved into a studio apartment at my university when my girlfriend broke up with me while she was recovering in rehab. It’s a small space. I can see my whole apartment from the pull out sofa; where I fall asleep most nights. I signed for this place because of the South facing windows. Most so-called luxury apartments nowadays have huge windows. This is one of those. I get radiant morning sun for better or worse. I haven’t found curtains for the windows yet, I know I need to, a good nights sleep has been hard to come by since the pandemic. The break-up just made it worse.
Do you know that feeling you get at night; when all the blinds are open? It’s an uneasy feeling that someone may be watching. I get those feelings too. I usually feel it most right before I fall asleep - despite being able to see my whole apartment at any given time. There is a street lamp I can see from my windows. I live on the third floor so the light shines upward from the street into my apartment. It is bright enough to dimly illuminate my apartment at night. I chose the third story because a former tenant and friend of mine mentioned a few break-ins on the first floor apartments during their time in my building. Those units were cheaper when I signed my lease but the extra $150/month was worth my peace of mind. Nevertheless, peace of mind seems hard to come by these days. I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t been eating well. I am starting to think I drink too much. My friends don’t see a problem. They say I just miss my ex. girlfriend - it seems that much is clear to them
I have always been a night owl, it is my time to process the day, drink a few beers with good company. There’s a strange comfort in the night. Even at home by myself, looking outside my windows, I get the comfort that I am not alone. I feel part of some larger system. The world is still alive at night but the shadows manufacture stillness. Sunlight exposes the vapid reality we all suffer through. I like knowing the birds are asleep. I like knowing families are at home together. I like knowing that traffic will slow for a few hours.
There’s a strange comfort in the night. When I can’t sleep, looking out my window (beer in hand lol) brings me peace of mind. It’s not uncommon in my university town to see some stranger across the way gaming or watching TV or studying at any point during the night. I wonder if they can feel my eyes endlessly scanning for something to make me smile again.
Since I broke up with my girlfriend, I find myself watching more than I used to. I hangout with my buddies less. My anxiety convinces me to stay in. My depression makes me no fun when I’m out. I am increasingly paranoid that someone is watching me because I am guilty of the same thing night after night. I need to get some fucking curtains.
Last night the street lamp didn’t shine into my apartment. I fell asleep on the couch watching old episodes of “The X-Files.” I didn’t notice the void until I woke up from my nap. The TV’s power-saver function activated leaving me to scramble for a light - “Why is it so dark in here?” I managed to find my phone. I made the short walk to my window. My confusion grew when I saw the streetlight shining brightly - brighter than ever. The bulb was illuminating the bus stop adjacent but, not my apartment. I rubbed my eyes and turned around waiting to adjust to the bright night outside. My figure cast no shadow behind me. I was engulfed in darkness. I fixated into the void waiting for a single ray of light to show me any point of reference. I stood with my back to the window until sunrise this morning. My feet still hurt.
In the hours since, I started to remember more about that thing outside my old bedroom window. I remember I gave it a name. Tonight, I am going to set up my cellphone to prove The Swing Man is real. I’ll post the time-lapse video tomorrow. I’m afraid to believe something bad may happen but, I need to know I’m not losing my last piece of mind.