I do fell better. There is no doubt about that. I’m sleeping. I’m eating, fairly normally. I haven’t had a panic attack in a few months, which is great and worth the price of admission alone! I’m more patient when talking with people. In fact people seem to like talking with me more now. I just seem to listen more I suppose. There is something I can’t quite put my finger on though. I just feel, sort of blank.
I had a panic attack at work. Second week on the job. Totally freaked my colleagues out. Freaked me out. I’ve had a few now so I’m somewhat used to them. I got sent home for the day. The next day I didn’t even make it into the office. Just sat in the car in the office car park for five hours sobbing my eyes out and hyperventilating. Not a great start.
My new employers were very understanding. It took a lot for me to open up to them about the mental health problems I had. First time I’ve been so candid with an employer before. I figured, fuckit, what have I really got to loose. At least it explains why I didn’t make it into the office.
To my amazement they were not only not shocked but were even prepared for this news. I guess the world has woken up to the state of mental health just being health. Great! Thunk I. They even have a psychologist they partner with that I can see as part of my employee benefits. Amazing! No stigma, no stress. Go see the psych’, take some time off and come back when you can, they say. I`m shocked to the core. I just didn’t ever imagine to have this type of support available.
I signed up and booked in for the first available appointment. For a small act of kindness this new workplace had just instantly earned my loyalty. I remember feeling excited for the future. Just knowing that there was a chance to get better was having a positive effect on me. I guess for a long time, a very long time I had never looked forward to the future. It was something to be wary of and defend myself against.
Looking back I should have savored that moment a little more. Taking feelings for granted is not something that I ever imagined anyone would experience. They were so much a part of living it is just wrapped up into the whole “taking life for granted” trope. I do try to not take life for granted. But I guess we all do. Really savoring every experience would be to exhausting and probably not very practical.
The first day of our meetings I wasn’t as nervous as I usually am. I can be very nervous at meetings. I have no fucking idea why. I just am. Actually I was even excited. Having mental illness is fucking exhausting. You don’t look disabled. But everything is harder. And in my case I would burn my life down every couple of years. So even though I work hard, I don’t really get anywhere. I can’t keep friends or any type of meaningful relationship. Even family find it hard as I can’t really connect with them. It’s like living with a burning bubble around you all the time. Everything you touch or get too close to ends up getting destroyed. Naturally I blame myself, even though I really am trying my best to not do anything. Its hard. It just makes everything harder. And so that’s why I was excited. Finally someone was going to pop that bubble and I could just be Normal. I’ve always wanted to be Normal. Too many people take that for granted!
“Hi. Come in. please take a seat. Would you like some water?”
“Hi. Thank you. Yes I would, thank you”
Then he sat down and looked at me, smiling.
Now that I think about it he looked very pleased to see me. Hungrily pleased. Like I was going to be delicious.
“So, how does this work?”
“Well usually you talk, and I listen as closely as I can. Then we take it from there”
He wasn’t just listening. He was taking my words. Not just the sound and the meanings but the actual thoughts. I could feel myself slipping away as I told him how I was lonely as a child. I told him how hard it was to fit in anywhere. How I basically felt like an alien on my own. How hard it was to connect with others. How that lead onto being bullied and tormented. The fights. The troubles. The drinking. The bad friends. The bad behaviors. The bad work. The bad life. The cycle of shit and torment that was my own edifice that I reconstructed around me over and over and over and over and over…
“Thank you. That was amazing.”
“what?”
“Sorry. I was just.. I think we made good progress today.”
He looked exhausted and satisfied. Like someone after a degustation at a fine restaurant. I was somewhat surprised. As though I had just woke up after a massage and found it ending. I did feel better, I think. I mean, I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t really feel anything.
He stood up, smiling and content. Strangely relaxed now. I stood up as well, out of habit I suppose. I felt a little lost for what to do next.
“It really was great to have you come to me today. I think you are one of the best I’ve had in a long time”
“Oh. ok. Well, thank you I suppose. Uhm.. Thanks for seeing me.”
“It was my pleasure.”
He ushered me out back onto the street and waved good by, still smiling but the hungry interest was gone from his eyes now. He was done with me.