For excellent advice on nearly any subject just head on down to big Al’s bait shop. As long as you buy some bait big Al will tolerate you hanging around askin questions. Now the feller your lookin for is an old coot goes by the name of uncle catfish, he’s not much to look at on account of his disheveled appearance and what only having one hand, the other arm just ending in a gnarled, poorly healed stump that old uncle catfish makes sure is displayed at all times.
However don’t let the old mans unkempt appearance fool you, he Kens a right many subjects. Thing is it can be a chore getting ol catfish to answer your query without some kind of trouble. For instance if the advise seeker is female, catfish will demand a handful of the bloomage, and will not answer any questions until he gets his feel. Just don’t let his hand linger too long or he still won’t answer any questions, he’ll just keep asking for a better squeeze.
If the questioner is male one must be careful of the subject asked about, or catfish will accuse the man of being….well, for the sake of decency I won’t go into what catfish will accuse men of, but rest assured the words “cleft asshole” will probably be yelled.
In any case at no point is the conversation to be allowed to steer in the direction of uncle catfishes high school football days, as this will lead to the old man working himself into a blood thirsty rampage in which he begins openly masturbating with his good hand while bludgeoning all the bait in the tank to death with his stump arm. This will continue until big Al shoots catfish with a tranquilizer dart, after which Big Al will demand that you pay for all that bait he just killed, “and really it’s your fault askin all them stupid fuckin questions anyway. And don’t bring your Yankee ass around here no more neither.”
If one can follow these basic concepts good intel can be acquired. You see somehow Catfish seems to have an almost supernatural grasp on the nature of reality itself. The man can stare off into space then answer anything from the whereabouts of your lost keys to minute details of a 6 phase plasma generator.
If you require multiple answers or particularly detailed information it’s best to bring whiskey in several small containers. If he starts asking personal questions such as “where do you live?” It’s best to distract him by offering the whiskey. He will immediately guzzle any container offered, then continue on the course of answering your question.
I once agreed to accompany big Al and uncle catfish on a “crabbing” expedition. This was nothing more than a 12 hour boat ride across the gulf to a whore house in Mexico. I chose to get drunk in the parlor as I had a wife at home who wouldn’t appreciate my participation. On the ride back I asked why they lied about going crabbing, and big Al said they didn’t lie. “You sat on the couch didn’t ya? Well you got crabs”
Needless to say I never went to a secondary location with those two again.