From the streets of the city, the sky is only seen as a grid. Vastly overshadowed by the towers scraping the clouds off the sky. I lived my whole life in the city. the compactness of having things at arm’s reach felt comfortable. I never got lost; there was always a sign showing me the way home, regardless of how confusing the directions were.
But out here, there is nothing but the sky to look at. I knew it was going to take some time to get used to. My Uncle James would tell me to just suck it up. Whenever I complained about wanting to “go back home,” he would smack me across the face and tell me I should be grateful he even took me in. But no matter how much I tried, I never felt comfortable here, in what he called “big sky country.” On my first day here, I spent it barfing every time I looked up. All around me, everywhere you looked, it was a vast flatness as far as the eye could see.
At night, I would lay on my back outside and just grab onto the grass because I felt like I would fall off the earth. Some nights, the darkness was overwhelming. The farthest town was so far you couldn’t even see the light from it even though it was all flatlands and a slight hill here and there. If it weren’t for the stars, you would feel as if you had fallen into a void. The infinite-seeming horizon without so much as a tree to break the horizon line could trick you into feeling like you were the last person alive on the planet. every night, I would spend some nights reminiscing about my old home in the city. I missed the noise, the sounds, the people. Only to then be thrust back into this loneliness
I lived with my mom mostly all my life. Dad had us living in the city, but due to his job in the government, he was always living in this house. I always thought there was some military base nearby or something. But who would be stationed all the way out here? And for what? My little 13-year-old mind couldn’t make sense of it at the time. I wish Dad was still here. When he passed away, mom went right after him, they said it was from shock. It was a surprise when Uncle James showed up to take me in after the will was read.
I wondered why he, of all people, would come to help me. Whenever my Dad would bring my mom around him, he always made a face of disgust. I always thought it was just because of her dark skin. I overheard Uncle James once at a family dinner, in a passing comment, say something about Dad not finding a nice blonde to keep the family genes strong. I think that was the last time my dad ever spoke to Uncle James.
It’s been about two months since my Uncle had me leave everything in our downtown apartment and drove us out here to the middle of nowhere Montana after my dad had passed and left my uncle his house in the will. I didn’t know why we had to leave, but everything happened so suddenly that I didn’t know what else to do. I still didn’t know why he wanted to move all the way out here, he barely talked to me as it is.
Late one afternoon, on the long drive back from picking up groceries with Uncle James, I was looking out the tinted window of his beat-up pickup truck and finally started feeling a sense of calm. But the near-empty blue sky and the endless pastures were starting to give me a sense of eeriness. He always wore his hat so low, and even when the sun was away, he’d never take his sunglasses off. he never took longer than a few minutes to get all the groceries, throwing them in the bed of the truck like he was rushing to get home.
I cherished this time since it was the only time he’d let me out of the house. The whole drive home, my eyes fixated on this one cute little cloud in the distance. It stood out like a sore thumb among the infinite blue of the empty sky. It looked so lonely out there in the distance. I resonated with it; I wondered if it felt as lonely as I did.
After the sun had gone down, Uncle James would always pass out on the couch watching tv. Beer bottles scattered all over the floor made for some nice décor. It was a miracle that we even got any signal here. I washed the dishes as he slept, but every few minutes, he would awaken in his drunken state and yell out randomly to keep the noise down, causing me to lose my grip on one of the good plates, sending it crashing into the ground. Then James would jump out of his ripped-up recliner and stumble his way over to me to give me an ear full. His heavy thudding footsteps stuck me with terror the closer he go. he grabbed me by my head and pushed me down, telling me to pick it up as he cursed me out.
After cleaning up the mess, he would take me by the hand and push me into my bedroom and close the door. I could hear a sliding lock into place as he walked away. Then he’d make his way to his room and slam the door behind him. His heavy footsteps struck fear in my heart. Every time I heard them, I braced myself. This house didn’t feel at all like a home but a prison. I wanted to leave this place so much that I looked for any way to escape. But his close watch on me made it impossible to have even so much as a moment to myself.
I lay down on my bed facing the window, holding my knees to my chest as the cold of the night came, and I just tried to calm my mind. I would occasionally peer out the window and see the little cloud still in the distance, its fluffiness lit red by the sunset rays in contrast to the dark purple of the incoming night, which had me in a trance.
As the days passed, the sky would still always remain a barren blue. It was nauseating to me how empty it could feel here as Uncle James drove to and from the small town several miles away to pick up the mail, he said there was never anything besides bills. I never asked if there was anything there for me because didn’t want him to get pissed. But I didn’t feel as alone anymore. On the drive home, seeing the one familiar little cloud in the distance always made me feel safe, like a friend that was always around to guide me home.
Even on the darkest nights, I could see it illuminated by the moon’s glow, and even though I could barely see the path ahead, I knew I was going in the right direction as I drove toward it. Every now and then, I would talk to the little cloud in the distance. I knew it was silly to think it could hear me. I knew in the end, I was only talking to myself. But somehow, pretending this little cloud was my friend kept my sadness from overwhelming me.
When I wasn’t doing anything, I would rummage around dads old things he left me. He kept old pictures of him in this cute little green box. in one of them, I saw a group picture of him next to a bunch of soldiers. He was wearing a white coat over his uniform. His smile made me tear up instantly. in a few of the pictures, I could see vaguely in the distance a familiar shape in the sky. It was silly of me to think that it was the same cloud as the one I was always talking to, but I pretended it was the same one to make me feel like maybe my friend was watching over dad too.
One night my uncle would hear me talk to my friend, and he would burst through the door and yell at me to keep it down. Every passing day, his looks of disgust made me wish I didn’t have to be here. I cried out to him, telling him id run away if he kept treating me like this. He’d laugh, jiggling the keys to his truck, and told me to get walking if I really wanted to. But I knew my little legs wouldn’t make it anywhere near the town.
When he left, slamming the door on my way out, I heard a faint thundering in the distance. I smiled at the little cloud, I felt like it was trying to tell me not to cry. But in a sudden urge of courage, I tried to leave. I ran for the door and ran outside in the direction of the town. It wasn’t until I had gotten about a mile away that James took notice. my legs couldn’t go on anymore. I was forcing heavy breaths as I saw the headlights of James’s truck getting closer before I collapsed.
When I woke up, I was back in the room. James was sitting there in a chair next to my bed, waiting for me to wake up. When I finally did, he smacked me as he yelled to never try that again. I tried to get him off me, but he didn’t relent. He stormed out as usual. I held my knees to my chest as I lay there in a puddle of my tears, looking out the window at my friend in the distance. And again, I heard a rumble in the clear sky.
After that day, James stopped taking me to the town when he picked up groceries. he would lock my room from the outside until he returned. I wanted to call for help, but he had the only phone. I knew there was only one way to get out, and it was to take his truck and drive it as far as I could. I had to wait for him to fall asleep. so while doing the dishes, I brought him extra beers. he was happy at me being all nice. as I washed the dishes waiting for him to knock out cold, I looked out the window, hoping to see my friend. But they weren’t there. The sky was emptier than it ever was. I felt a sudden sadness, feeling as if I was all on my own now.
The sun was starting to inch toward the horizon, and James had finally fallen asleep. I snuck over to him, carefully pacing around the scattered bottles. I slowly undo the key hook attached to his belt. he snored and twitched as my hands shook, trying to unhook the keys. When I got them free, I crawled my way to the door but saw that he had put in an extra lock. I heard bottles scatter by the living room.
Then, from the silence, I heard a voice: “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I turn slowly as the hairs on my neck stand on their ends. I saw James’s towering silhouette against the dim light cast on the dirty wallpaper-covered wall behind him. In a split-second decision, I screamed as I ran to my room, keys jiggling in hand. I heard his loud stomps behind me as he ran after me. I lock the door behind me and get the chair in the corner and prop it under the handle, preventing him from busting the door down.
he screamed from the hallway, “I’m gonna kill you, you little shit!” I scurried to the corner of my room crying. as he beat on the door, knocking chips and dust off the walls, the house shook with each thud. When I looked out the window, I was hoping to see my friend, but I saw nothing. And then, I saw drops on the glass. Suddenly, the window was getting pounded on by rain. But there were no clouds in the sky, it was clear all the way to the horizon. I heard a rumbling of thunder that shook the house. A coldness made its way in as I sat on the floor.
Then the banging on the door stopped. I heard loud stomps and the unlocking of doors, and I saw Uncle James running around the house, coming up to the window next to me. I held my breath as he started banging on the glass. The rain continued to fall. I stood up and ran from the window, I tried to unlock the door to get out, but I couldn’t open it anymore, I pulled with all my might but couldn’t free the door from the lock on the outside. Uncle James tirelessly pounded on the window, hands slipping from the rain pouring down on him.
He yelled at me to open the window, or he would choke me out. There was a clap of thunder, and a deep rumble followed after. I look up and see Uncle James break through the window. As he tries to climb inside through the frame, I pick up the green box and throw it at his head, sending him stumbling onto the vanity next to the door. He held his head in pain as he tried to grab me with one eye open. I scream and ran to the window. I climbed out and run for the little shed out back. I slipped and stumbled as the rain muddied the ground. I see uncle James drunkenly crawl out through the window and run after me as I close the shed door behind me. I looked out the shed window and see that there were no clouds out in the sky.
The sun was setting now, the sky was painted with an array of dark purple. But the only thing that was illuminated red was a dark cloud right over our house. It was raining right on us but nowhere else. I see Uncle James standing a few feet away, looking at the window menacingly and breathing deeply. His shoulders throbbed as he forced his pained breaths. In his hand was a hatchet. He took one step forward before I heard another thunder rumble in the cloud above. I saw him look up, confused, and then suddenly, I see flashing lights building up inside the cloud before a loud crashing boom knocks me unconscious.
When I come to, The sun had already set and the night engulfed my house in darkness. as my eyes focused and oriented themselves, I saw I was surrounded by blue and red lights flashing against the house.
“Hey, hey, this girl’s alive,” I hear a man say as more people run over to pick me up.
As I’m being carried out of the shed, I looked over and saw paramedics trying to pick up Uncle James. I panicked and tried to free myself, crying out to the men carrying me, “let me go! he’s trying to kill me!” they held me tight, assuring me it was going to be okay. One of the men, a police officer in his mid 30’s, comes up to me as the paramedic sat me down on the trunk of the police car. I told the officer about how my uncle chased me and about the loud crash and the rain. He looks up, confused, as the sky above us was clear. I ask him how they found me. The officer said that someone in the town had reported my uncle because they recognized him from the news. That the news had said, my uncle had a warrant out for his arrest after he had kidnapped me and ran off. I was shaken by this revelation and trembling from the cold, wet clothes.
The paramedics wrapped me with a towel as the officer asked me what happened to me. I told him everything; how he chased me, how it rained on the house, and the crash. The officer looks up, confused as the sky was clear. as the paramedics move out of the way of my uncle, I can see him now how clearly. Laying on the ground face up, his whole body, he had vein-like marks on his body, all meeting up at his forehead right at the point where all the marks meet was charred. His skin was emanating a strange smoke like that of cooked meat. The stench of burnt flesh filled the surrounding air. I ask the officer what they’re saying happened.
“Medics say all the injuries indicate he was struck by lightning, has to have been a freak occurrence. Never seen anyone randomly hit by runaway lightning like that. Especially not on a day like this,” he said.
I nodded to him. I didn’t say anything else. I tucked my head halfway under the warm blanket as the officer closed the door and drove away from the house. I looked into the distance and smiled, and waved my hand. The officer who was looking at me from the rearview faced his gaze where my eyes were looking. Far in the distance was a lone cloud. Its white fluffiness stood out against the dark purple night sky like a sore thumb.
That was 4 years ago. But I still remember it clear as day. Sometimes I still look up at the sky, wondering if I’ll see my friend again among the other clouds in the distance. Or, wonder if they are still over there, in big sky country. Wandering alone in the empty blue skies above, looking for another friend.