The days of plowing blondes on camera were long behind me. Twenty plus years in the adult film industry. I suppose I should be proud of the longevity, the fact that I got paid to bang some of the hottest chicks to ever have sex on screen. And yet, I missed it. After letting myself go, the phone stopped ringing. No more auditions. I even had to get a boring job as a furniture delivery driver. That is until a man by the name of Rex Lambert called out to me.
“No fucking way, is that you? Lonnie Longshaft? It is! Holy shit. I’ve seen dozens of your flicks. Big fan.”
I set the couch down on the street and turned to the overly energetic man. “Hey, can you give us a second?” I said to the worker on shift with me.
“Sorry, let me introduce myself. I’m Rex Lambert. I run a small little indie adult film production company, and we’ve been having trouble lately finding the right male talent. And it’s like today was meant to be, like you’re it man. You are the one we need.”
“That’s nice of you to offer, but I mean, look at me. Look at this belly. There’s no way you are putting me in front of a camera.”
“Oh, I can help with that.” Rex pulled out a small container out of his suit pocket and lifted the top. “Take one of these. Guaranteed to get rid of the bloat in less than forty-eight hours.”
I squinted in disgust. It looked like an anchovy covered in prickly kiwi fuzz fur.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll pass. I’ve got to get back to work.”
“Lonnie. This job pays well, and trust me, this little diet miracle will get you in shape just before the shoot. All my overweight actors use it.”
I’ve never been one to turn down something that’s free. And I’ll be honest, the idea of getting back in the business got me hard right at that very moment.
“Okay, I’m in!”
We shook hands and I swallowed the gunky weight-loss snack. Rex gave me the details of the shoot and told me it would pay thirty grand, which was significantly more than I used to make back in the day for each film. I was ecstatic, eager to get back into the swing of things. After returning home that evening, I cleaned up my apartment. Tossed the empty beer cans. Lifted some weights. But when I dropped my robe in front of the mirror, I noticed something off about my body. My stomach looked more bloated than it had been earlier that afternoon. I shrugged it off and rubbed one out to some old footage from Lonnie Longshaft Returns.
I had trouble sleeping that night. That thing I had consumed did not settle well in my stomach. It felt like it was swimming around my digestive system. I hoped it would pass, but it just got worse. When I glanced at my stomach in the morning, it was enormous. My entire gut resembled a swollen black eye. I immediately called Rex, and he assured me what was happening was normal, that it was working the way it was intended to.
I felt hideous when I arrived on set in the office space Rex’s company had rented for the month. The room—sparsely decorated with a couch and table—gave off eerie vibes. There were multiple cameramen and even cameras mounted to the top corners of the room. The female talent, Vanessa, waited nervously on the couch. She appeared to also be in her fifties, and she looked like she did not want to be there.
“Okay people, get into positions,” Rex commanded.
I had read the script the day prior. Well, there wasn’t much of a script other than a couple of lines before I took Vanessa from behind. I got into position behind Vanessa, who was bent over the couch.
“Ready, action!” Rex shouted.
“Looks like you have had a long day. But it’s about to get even longer. Lonnie Longshaft is here,” I said, as I inserted myself into Vanessa.
As my belly brushed against her butt cheeks and the cameras rolled, I felt something swirl inside of me. The twisting turned to stabbing and poking. Something was inside of me trying to get out. I grimaced and tried to shake it off, but the pain was unbearable. And then it happened.
Thousands of little holes surfaced on my stomach, and a black ooze-like liquid burrowed its way out of me. After a few seconds of excruciating pain, I gasped. A creature that looked like a giant clump of seaweed towered over Vanessa like an ocean wave at night. Upon impact on her body, her skin sizzled and popped like bubble wrap. Her skin drooped like a waterfall of rotting flesh until all that was left was just bone.
I stood motionless, terrified. I looked around the room and saw the men with cameras eagerly looking on with excited faces; some of them were even jotting down stuff on notepads.
“Rex, what the fuck did you do to me?” I yelled with a whimper. My voice was almost nonexistent, as if the creature had sucked out my vocal cords.
“Fantastic work, Lonnie. We have everything we need. The money will be wired to you overnight. You better get going. I’ll need to send in a containment crew soon to put this little critter away for another experiment. I truly thank you for your participation.”
My stomach eventually healed, although I vomited nightly for a month. Turns out there was no indie film company. I did get paid, but I never found out who Rex really is and what kind of organization he works for. That’s probably a good thing.