You guys seem like the most understanding place to come to. I’ve read the comments and no one is overly skeptical like they are in some other subreddits. This is a pretty sensitive issue for me and I just want to vent somewhere people will believe me.
It started with dreaming about my hair falling out. My teeth falling out. One time it was my tongue. This started happening every night for the better part of a year and hasn’t stopped yet. I think my body knew something was happening before I did. I used to meditate a lot but I’m afraid to close my eyes. That’s the other thing. I haven’t slept in three days. Last time I went to bed I woke up 48 hours later. I haven’t been getting tired though.
Let me start over and cut right to the chase. I think I might be dead. Or maybe my body died but my mind hasn’t found out yet? This is the first time I’ve said it out loud or typed it out. I mean a body shouldn’t rot without stinking. I don’t stink like I should be stinking. God stopped answering me through the wall in my bathroom but the woman in my garbage disposal says I’m like her. She’s been singing about it the last three nights. And I know she’s right.
I’m rotting from the inside out.
I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel thirsty. My stomach probably isn’t even there anymore- rotted away leaving an empty abdomen and chest cavity. If I sit still. Like really really still. I can go without breathing for a really long time. My lungs are gone too, I know it. My mind doesn’t know it yet so it thinks I need to breathe but I know what’s happening. It doesn’t have to make sense to my mind. It’s a FEELING. I’ve always known things before they happen. I can’t die if I’m already dead.
God will speak to me again if I’m patient. When I stare at the wall he speaks to me through long enough my mind catches up and I can actually tell where all the rot is. It’s just below my skin. Just out of sight. I have to sit very still. You can only sit this still after you’re dead. That’s when my body and mind make the connection and I feel the rot all over my body. That’s how I know. I can’t die.
I know my teeth and hair are going to fall out next . My teeth have been hurting for days. I can already pull out clumps of hair so it won’t be long before all of it lets go and releases my head.
I should probably figure out when to take all the rot out. I just hope my mind doesn’t try to make my body feel any of it. Dead people shouldn’t have to feel pain anymore. I can’t die but I’m already dead. I’ll just have to remove a little at a time and ease into it.