I have no idea home many times I have written this exact same post, time means nothing to me anymore, my life is an eternity of endless moments blended together like an old movie reel. There are no routine days or nights for me, sometimes I might go weeks or even months (of your time) without ever seeing a sunset. Other times I repeat the same thing wake up sit up, wake up sit up for I don’t even know how long. I look at myself in the mirror, the man I see is not more than 20 years old, yet the man inside has lived millennia’s.
Sometimes I feel this life is “real” if there is such a thing. I can taste, touch, feel, Even fall in love, but the fact that I could wake at any moment always leaves the sourest of taste in my mouth, no matter how much joy, I think I feel. Whatever this hell is, (and it is hell) I do not know, nor do I know why I am here, and I do not know when it will end or begin if you like, if ever, but I am always waiting, hoping, praying, but not to God, for what God would do such a thing. Before this I lived a good honest life, went to church every Sunday, was kind to the unfortunate and at my heart I had strong morals that I always lived by.
When this does start again, and it will, even though I hope with every fiber of my body that I am wrong this time, I will start this same process, try every possible experiment to wake myself, even though it has no real meaning, for they never worked, and I am still asleep. Some beginnings may last more than a few minutes, others last for decades. But they always start the same way; I wake in my bed, and for one precious moment, I remember nothing, and it is like none of this horrible nightmare ever happened. Then like an avalanche of endless pain and suffering it all comes flooding back, and I start again trying to build a life, life, hah, another word that lost all meaning.
I stopped trying to have any meaningful relationships with anyone eons ago. In the past, if I can call it that, I had 27 wife’s 124 children that I can remember, and you couldn’t fathom how many loves I lost, and even friendships for that matter, just wiped out of existence in the blink of an eye. I died inside a million times, yet it’s impossible for me to actually die, if I even think of ending it, I am back in my bed. That is why I know there is an intelligence to it, and wants me to live in constant misery, so I have learned to never let myself get too comfortable because the second I let my guard down, it’s back to that same room where it all began.
But I can’t give up, this hell won’t let me, so I ask you this; if you are real and you can prove it to me, please show me, or maybe at least I am not alone in this hell and there is someone out there that knows my pain, if so, maybe we can help each other end this. I would say I cannot go through this torture much longer, but again; I have no say in this endlessness.