I 18m passed away from cancer this past April. I visit family often but primarily stay in the town I passed away in since my sister goes to college in that town. Im currently in her room watching her sleep. I find it soothing. Almost peaceful knowing she is safe and sound and somehow making it through the toughest part of her life. I see how much she struggles knowing I’m around anymore.
I make my usual rounds during the day since I know my sister is usually busy and I prefer to keep tabs on her throughout the night unless she’s taking a shower or on the phone with people before she goes to bed.
Death has been a different experience. I don’t feel pain like I did before. I never get sick. I always feel “free” and carefree. I also get pretty much anything I want. I also got to meet family I never knew I had which has been a blessing. I met a sibling I knew I had but passed away before they were born. I met my sister’s daughter who would’ve been five this year had she lived. There has been so many things I’ve gotten to experience that I wouldn’t had cancer not taken me.
I’ve also been able to go see all of my friends and see what kind of lives they’ve been living. Some of them are close to graduating high school. Some are signing their athletic contracts to colleges. Others are figuring out life and that’s ok. I’m still proud of each and every one of them. Honestly, I may not have known what I wanted to do once I graduated high school, but I knew I didn’t want to disappoint anyone in my family. But I also know I didn’t wanna follow in my sister’s footsteps going off to a big four year university.
My sister keeps tossing and turning. I really want to hug her. I just don’t want to disturb her. Maybe I should shut her TV off so she isn’t wasting electricity but I know she can’t sleep well without it. It’s nice to see for once she has her room decorated during the school year. She never decorated her dorm rooms which always frustrated me. Maybe I should play with the light switch and wake her up just to mess with her. I don’t want to scare her though. I know she’s tired. She’s dealt with a lot this past week. Man, I tear up thinking about how great she’s doing. I just wish I was there in person to tell her how proud I am of her…. Little does she know I woke her up to have her write this for you all to read…
If my family see this, I miss you all. Deeply. I love you all. Deeply. I see you. I’m watching you. Continue to keep doing you. You all are doing great. I will see you all soon. I hope you guys see this.