I hate animals. They are vermin which pollute us all and infect us all with their disease.
I don’t care about animals in the wild since I have no interest in the wilderness. But it’s the creatures of canine and feline nature that so many insist on keeping in their homes that I find objectionable.
Why would anyone in their right mind infest their household hold with such vermin? The smell of piss and shit permeating the air, polluting their surroundings. Fleas, ticks, endless parasites.
When my father died five years ago his entire estate was left to me. I ensured that was so. Despite my contempt for him, I concealed it in the knowledge I would inherit his wealth. But the old bastard kept going. So, I sped his imminent demise along. Turns out that when a sick man, near death finally dies, little if anyone pays any attention to how their end met them. I’ll just tell you that antifreeze does the job quite well. I was a little worried about toxicology reports, but they didn’t even bother. The doctors simply signing his death off as natural causes. Lucky for me I guess, why should I wait for my birthright for a decaying and dying old man?
So, this how I find myself in this leafy suburb in the south of Britain. It truly is lovely here, I live in a quaint village in a little-known area which affords me the peace, tranquillity and most important the lack of engagement with others.
I have little more respect for other people than the verminous animals I described earlier. But society requires that I at least acknowledge my neighbours and even show them a signal of feigned friendliness, just to preserve my peaceful existence.
The day in which my life went to shit was not my fault, it was that of a pestilent cat. A stupid tabby little fuck that got in my way as I was leaving my house to see my regular whore. I don’t engage in relationships with the opposite sex, women are as parasitic as the ticks that infest dogs. But I still have needs. And once a week is sufficient for me to satiate the carnal desires that are bestowed upon all men. I’d prefer such desires weren’t there but she’s an accommodating little bitch and will do almost anything if I pay her enough. And for me this is no more than a trip to Starbucks, relatively speaking.
On that day as I left my home that feline little shit walked in front of me as I was leaving my house. The little shit caused me to trip, and I hit my head on the cobble stone wall before me. I immediately felt the hot blood drip down my face as a huge cut opened on my forehead.
Such was my rage I immediately regained my sharp mind and looked at the little shit that still circled my feet, purring. If not for this sycophantic murmuring from that little shit, what flowed may not have happened. But rage is a strong emotion and I kicked he or she as hard as I could. I took joy in seeing it fly as it wailed. I must admit the sound it created amused me. I’d never heard a cat create such a sound before. Such was the force in my kick it landed at least ten meters away.
I put my head to my hand and released it covered in blood. I looked at that little fuck with nothing but rage and contempt in my heart. I walked slowly towards it as I grinned. It was clearly severely injured. I’m not going lie and say I did what I did next out of sympathy, to put this pathetic creature out of its misery. I did it because I wanted to, and it amused me. I raised my right foot and smashed its smug little face to pulp in one stomp. It’s brain matter littering the surrounding concreate on the footpath that led to my beautiful, four-bedroom cottage that I prematurely acquired by the act of murder of my father. As I left to get in my pristine Audi, I noticed another feline rat observing me. It was a fluffy white little shit, and I knew it was female because I know the neighbour of mine that owned it. Her name was snowy. I only know this because of several chance encounters in which I was forced to engage with one of my neighbours. How fucking obsequious, they obviously spent less than a minute coming up with that ridiculous name.
As I walked past her, she kept her gaze upon me, and I heard her growl. This amused me, perhaps she wasn’t too happy that I had crushed the face of one of her kin beneath my foot.
I returned home after satisfying myself with my whore and a nice meal, I had steak with all the trimmings, truly delicious. The one few benefits of animals I suppose - their delicious meat.
I was watching Netflix as the summer sun was setting when by doorbell rang. A most unusual event for me, save for my Amazon deliveries, which occurred only in day light hours.
Annoyed, I lifted myself from my couch and opened the door. Before was a solitary woman. She was wearing bright luminescent yellow attire, and I instantly knew she was a police officer. Obviously the knowledge of what I had done earlier that day was not lost on me and I knew instantly why she was there.
“What do you want?” I demanded.
She smiled at me, if I didn’t know the consequences of such an act, I would have smashed her perfectly white teeth to shards with one blow from my fist at this petulant display of false friendship. I go to the gym five times a week and this small woman that stood at my door was of no threat to me, my arms bigger than her legs. Even with her taser and truncheon, so quick were my muscles and my wits I could have obliterated her before she even had a chance to even touch her radio and beg for help from her colleagues.
But I am not stupid, such an act would serve only to see me loose everything, no doubt incarcerated while lawyers and other such bureaucrats stole everything I own.
So, I smiled back, more of a smirk if I’m honest.
“What can I do for you constable?” I barked, making sure I pronounced the cunt in constable emphatically.
She seemed defiant and kept her smile. This pissed me off, “I am arresting you under the animal cruelty act of 2006. You do not have to say anything but anything you do say may be used against you in a court of law.”
I looked at her bewildered, “What the fuck are you talking about, you stupid bitch?”
She didn’t respond to my question, instead she said, “Please hold out you hands sir, your aggressive nature is making me feel in danger, and as the only officer on scene, I feel it necessary to handcuff you.”
I did what she ordered, the rage and hatred that filled me insufficient to surpass my superior intelligence and rationality. I held out my hands.
She put putt the cuffs upon me, twisting them as she did it, no doubt a deliberate intent to hurt me. Although it did, like every other trait I have, I am immune to such acts of intimidation.
“Do you need anything before we leave?” She asked, her self-satisfied smile still etched across her face.
“My phone,” I demanded. “I’ll need the numbers stored in it to dismiss this spurious charge, particularly my lawyer.”
Her courteous smiled remained, my rage now sufficient to overcome my rationality and smash that smug little bitch’s face. If in a different situation I would have fucked her like one of my whores. She was young, perhaps twenty-five, and she had quite the gorgeous face I must admit. And her tiny frame sufficient for me to twist and turn her as I set loose my desires upon her. But I was now handcuffed, which in retrospect was a good thing, for I would have unleashed the rage I describe quite willing if this was not so.
“Where is your phone Sir? I’ll get it for you.”
“On the table in my living room,” I replied, no longer having the will to display the contempt I had for this bitch.
She held me by my cuffs and forced me into my own house as she twisted them further. Her clear sadism impressed me a little I must admit. She clearly took pleasure in the power she had over me. A trait I didn’t expect from such a weak and frail appearing female.
As we left I saw something that surprised me. At least ten cats were lined perfectly on the wall outside my home. They all sat in perfect harmony, glaring at me. I won’t lie this unsettled me. As we passed them by their heads all turned to keep their gaze fixated upon me. But none made so much as a whimper.
When we arrived at the local police station the on-duty sergeant informed me of the charges that were being laid against me. I provided my details and was locked in a cell for at least six hours before they found it prudent to interview me.
The same smug bitch me was the one that sat before me, along with a man whose size impressed me no more than the animal whose face I had disintegrated mere hours prior.
They went through the formalities of reading my rights again and stating their names for the recording as they made me do myself.
“Do you know why you’re here, sir?” Asked the man.
“No comment”
The woman smiled again, god how I wanted to smash that smug little batches’ face, “I’d like to show you something please.”
She picked up the pad in front of her, pushed few buttons and turned the screen towards me. Unbeknownst to me one of my neighbours must have had a security camera surreptitiously placed so I hadn’t noticed it before. But I could see the angle of the view and knew exactly which house it came from. That old bastard was going pay for this.
The man looked me directly in the eye, “This is you killing that cat, is it not?”
“No comment.”
“Additionally, I notice you have blood on your shoes, we’ll need to seize them for forensic purposes. Oh is that fur I see there too?”
“No comment”
The woman looked at me one more, the fact she was unafraid of me enraged me, “Do you deny killing this cat, Sir? The evidence is quite clear. You killed it deliberately, did you not?
“No comment”
“May I remind you the maximum punishment for such a crime is six months in prison and an unlimited fine.”
My inclination to keep my no comment interview was destroyed by the look of satisfaction on this woman’s face, “Fuck you bitch, it was just a fucking animal, I have the best lawyers, you’ll be lucky if you don’t face a lawsuit for your improper arrest.”
She smiled again, “The evidence is quite clear, unlike people, video does not lie.”
“Then do what you want, bitch, I’m saying nothing more.”
Another smile, “Interview terminated at eleven thirty-three PM”
After another four hours in the cells, I was released on police bail. I got a cab home. By this time the sun has rising in the summer sky as it turned the beautiful surroundings around me orange as its light reflected from the leafy terrain around me.
As I approached my home, they were their again, not sitting on the wall but blocking the path to my house. More of them this time, perhaps, fifteen, all different colours and sizes. But front and centre was Snowy, the white little shit that had witnessed me crushing the head of what she clearly considered to be her friend.
This unsettled me. As ashamed as I am to admit it these feline menaces scared me somewhat. The eyes from snowy reflecting from the street likes as if a tiger.
I approached them boldly, hoping my defiant stride would intimidate them. It did not. Instead, they all started to growl and hiss in absolute unity. Snowy leapt at me, her speed incredible. So fast was her pounce she was nothing more than a white blur in my vision.
As she made good her landing on my shoulder, she raised a paw and released her claws against my face, scratching me from my brow to my chin in a single venomous strike. I screamed as I struck her with all my might with my left arm. She made no sound as she simply sat on my shoulder for another few seconds before jumping down, once again to the concrete path that led to my door.
In the second time in a single day, I could feel hot blood drip down my face, my rage indescribable. The other cats seemed to turn their gaze to the white abomination that had decimated my face. She turned to look at them all. She let out a single ‘Meow’ the same as you would expect if you were petting a cat on your lap. She began to run; the other cats, seemingly subservient to her, simply ran past me as if I were not even there.
I ran to my home and my hand was shaking as I tried to put the key in the lock, it took me at least ten seconds to the door and I slammed it behind me as quickly as I could.
I ran to the bathroom and observed my face in the mirror. On the right side were four perfectly red streaks of torn flesh, dripping with blood, no doubt to leave scars, a permanent reminder of that white little cat that flashed upon me as if an avalanche. But I also noticed there was a claw lodged in my skin, as if that little feline bitch had intended to leave a reminder of the strike which had taken me so completely by surprise.
But I would be surprised no more. I have never heard tales of cats unifying in such I way, I always believed them to be solitary beasts that cared only for themselves, or when domesticated, would give sufficient false affection to the idiot that fed them each day and kept them warm, just so they could maintain their decadent and carefree lives. Perhaps I was wrong, and I must now prepare for any further assaults that these rats with slightly longer tails might be planning against me.
For the next two days I stayed at home, nursing my wounds, too ashamed to report to the hospital, for I had no inclination to disclose the facts that had led to this mutilation of my face to anyone, especially a self-righteous nurse that would no doubt be the initial assessor of my wounds.
And so, I applied disinfectant and other such remedies to my face that I had stored within my own home, hoping they would heal without scar, for I couldn’t bear the thought of an animal a tenth of my size at best ruining the face I looked upon in the mirror with sheer, unashamed vanity each day being ruined by such a weak and defenceless creature.
But I could not remain home perennially, for I need food, and not to mention the alcohol I had been using to dull my senses for the previous few days. I finally left.
As soon as I opened my door, they all ran at me, making no move against me, for it seemed their white-haired little leader was absent. But they were still there. They all jumped onto the wall in synchronicity before me as I left my house. I tentatively walked past them, their eyes just staring at me.
I got in my car with the bag I carried in my hands. I drove two towns over, for the parcel I had in my hands to be posted could not be seen to be posted from my local post office, for obvious reasons. It was well wrapped and concealed the stench of the contents within. In a sealed plastic contained within was two days’ worth of my own shit which was to be delivered to the boot licking collaborator that had provided the video to the police that had no doubt condemned me.
My lawyer had informed me he had acquired the evidence the police had against me and there was little he could do about it, so compelling was the high-definition video this self-important prick had provided to the police. He had informed me that although a custodial sentence was unlikely, given my lack of a criminal history, a heavy fine would no doubt be imposed. I was torn in this matter because the fact the police had no knowledge of the multitude of crimes that I had committed in the past amused me by their incompetence. Particularly the most serious of crimes – murder, but also enraged by the fact this man had decided to take me on. Clearly, he knows not who I am.
Nonetheless, this old man deserved retribution, and he would receive it in uncompromising quantity. This first small act merely the start of my campaign of vengeance against him.
I bought my supplies, ate a nice meal in the town I was in and then finally posted the package of vile faeces to the old bastard that had brought this strife upon me.
I drove home, quite drunk. I stopped in a pub before I left and drank at least three pints before I left, but such now was my contempt for the law, I gave no single shit for any consequences that may befall me.
I arrived once more at the pathway that led to my door. Of course, those little bastards were there, this time including Snowy. And this time the little white furball was unprepared for me. She stood before her feline comrades, as if a Roman centurion, as she tried to leap upon me once more. I pulled the taser from my pocket and as she flew through the air, aiming once again for my face I pulled the trigger to activate it. As she made contact, the electricity from this illegal device met her insufferable white fur and she howled as its devastating energy struck the white little shit. She fell to the floor in mid-strike and howled and wailed. I cannot explain to you how these sounds of torment filled my heart with joy.
Not only that but as she hit the ground she seemed to convulse on the floor before me. Such was the temptation to turn her face to mush as I had done to her flee ridden comrade just days before was surpassed only by the knowledge of the consequences of committing the same crime in a few days would not go down well with a judge, and the mere fine I was surely to receive replaced by a custodial sentence. I was not yet willing to spend months in prison for this litter of beasts that had had imposed themselves upon my life as if an insidious disease.
The other cats, at least fifteen, ran immediately towards her and started to paw at her gently and lick her as she made barely audible whimpers as she lay on the ground.
This time I cared not for any video evince presented by anyone, for I could clearly show this was an act of self-defence. Even the illegal taser I held in my hands was of no concern, for the police would have to prove it was such and I had a very secure safe in my house, which the police would need a warrant to gain access, and even if they obtained one, I wouldn’t open it for them, they’d have to get a welder to open its cast iron doors for all I cared.. And I highly doubt the police would expend such time on a supposed crime against an animal, for they had, or at least should have had more important matters to deal with. At least until I could dispose of the device accordingly, leaving the pigs who take it upon themselves to enforce unelected laws upon us all, with of no proof. The scratches on my face would be an adequate defence. I had made sure I had taken sufficient photos to prove to any magistrate I may face of the threat these creatures posed to me.
I laughed heartily as the cats simply ignored me and tended to their snowy little leader. The irony was not lost on me here, as when I entered my home, I looked back at them, and she looked exactly like a snowball. A clump of cold white, that could be picked up by a child and thrown for no more than a second of trivial amusement. The door behind me slammed as I smiled at the revenge that I thought would end this relentless feline endeavour against me.