Carter’s birthday was today. It was supposed to be a fantastic day, celebrating with family and friends. A beautiful day with my family turned into a nightmare. I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I spent most of the night restlessly turning in bed, dreaming terrible things. I can’t remember most of my dreams, but this was different. This one has been sticking with me.
I remember that I was in a room full of curtains. Not like house curtains or shower curtains. Hospital curtains. The kind that separated patients. I was standing in an aisle looking towards an open door, past the rows of curtains. Someone came into view inside the doorway, but I couldn’t identify any features—just a dark blur in the dimly lit entrance. A breeze came through the aisle, rustling the curtains on each side. It came to a stop when a noise to my side startled me. Beep… Beep… Beep. A chill ran down my spine as I looked to the side where the sound came from. The curtain nearest me, to my left, slowly opened. My breath caught in my chest when I tried to inhale.
The opening curtain revealed a heart monitor beeping rhythmically near a hospital bed. The cubicle was dark except for the light on the monitor bouncing up and down to the beat. The hazy light that flickered on the screen was enough to make out a body lying in bed. It was moving, slow and gentle heaves in the dark. As much as I didn’t want to look any further, I was compelled to do just that. My legs felt heavy as I cautiously walked to the side of the bed where the monitor sat. There were barely audible breathing sounds as I approached. When I stopped, just inches away from the bedside, the monitor sounds quickened. Everything in my body screamed to walk away, but I wandered closer, leaning in to find someone familiar gazing back at me. Our eyes locked, and I knew who it was, Ben. The heart monitor rapidly increased its pace, and an alarm began to sound. I could hear frantic footsteps coming from down the aisle.
I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He looked like me, like Ben, but was different. Glazed eyes, almost dead, peered back at me. Shoes squeaked on the floor, coming to a stop at the opening of the cubicle. Still frozen, eyes locked on Ben, a set of voices spoke behind me. “This is the fifth time this has happened since we stabilized. I’m sick of running down here for nothing.” Someone stepped through and got closer to me. A woman, so close I could feel the heat of her body, stood beside me. Her hand flew out and began tapping the screen; tiny blip sounds at each touch. She didn’t notice me. The alarm stopped, but the heart monitor kept a quick pace. “He’ll level out and go back to normal. I want to finish our game of cards. Let’s go.” She turned on her heel and walked away with whoever had come with her. I exhaled, realizing I had been holding my breath.
My eyes flicked back to Ben. His eyes had changed. Alertness had replaced the glazed-over look, and I noticed his hands had started shaking. Bringing one hand over, he started scratching his wrist. I felt the sting in my own, the same I found the message. My eyes darted to my own, watching the skin turn bright red. “Help me” stood out, bolder than before. I winced and cast my eyes back toward Ben. We were looking directly at each other. He could see me.
I woke, panicked. My alarm clock was blaring on my nightstand, six minutes past eight in the morning. I looked around the bedroom to confirm that I was home. Just a dream, I reminded myself. Pushing myself up, I sat on the side of the bed. I looked back over my shoulder, checking for Raina. She wasn’t there. I wish she had been. I needed her comfort this morning. My stomach felt like a pit. Rubbing my face and sighing, I left the bed and headed downstairs. When I reached the bottom, I could hear Raina singing from the kitchen. It was her usual start to the day. I found her standing at the sink, rinsing peppers and mushrooms. She turned, hearing me shuffle in.
“I’m making omelets this morning. It was Carter’s request. Do you want cheese?” Raina asked. I wasn’t ready to start talking. I nodded and sat at the table, placing my head in my hands. She served me coffee the way I liked, with tons of creamer. “Are you ready for today?” she pressed on, not noticing my lack of attention. “Like any other day, I guess,” I said. “Yeah, but this isn’t any other day. We have everything to pick up, set up, and guests to entertain.” It hadn’t occurred to me yet, that today was our son’s birthday.
Frustrated, I sighed. The intense dream didn’t do me any favors last night. I wasn’t ready to face the day’s events. I wanted more than anything to curl up inside myself and scream. Seeing Ben in my dream like that brought back memories I had tried so hard to bury. The truth was, I still cared. I still loved my brother to some degree. I’ve matured enough to know that our circumstances were fucked up. It wasn’t his fault that he turned out that way, and I shouldn’t have left him there. It’s a wonder that I didn’t turn out worse, to be honest. If Raina hadn’t made me go to therapy, I think I would have. I’ve never told her everything. She knows I was abused when I was younger, but nothing more. For her safety and Carter’s, I keep it to myself.
Raina came to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders from behind. We’ve been together long enough that she knows when I’m upset. She ran her hands down my arms and held my hands. “I’ll take care of the setup and entertaining if you’ll pick up the cake,” she said, kissing my hair. Her dark hair spilled down my shoulders, blanketing my face. It smelled like lavender and vanilla, relaxing me. I couldn’t help but smile, feeling safe in her arms. Her thumb grazed my wrists, making me flinch. She felt the raised scratches and pulled my hand up for further inspection. “Help me,” boldly stands out, as in my dream. Her face said it all—worry, disappointment, and anger.
“You told me things have been fine,” her voice trembled. My face fell, and I pulled my arm away. “Talk to me, Zavier! You know that you can talk to me”, she insisted. Nothing I said was going to quell the emotions she was having. I was going to have to tell her something. “I’ve been dealing with some intense dreams lately. It’s opened old wounds again, and I can’t handle it”, I half lied. It felt like my heart was in my throat. “You can’t keep chugging along, acting like it doesn’t exist anymore. Your therapist told you that it takes effort and consistency to overcome trauma. You stopped going two years ago, and now look” her frustration was growing. “Today isn’t the day for this. Carter deserves to have his day. I need you to, at least, be present for him. Once the company leaves, I’ll drop him off at my mom’s place. You and I are going to talk to someone about this afterward.” As much as I didn’t want to, I agreed. A few hours of chatting were better than the alternative. Raina took care of everything for the party while I sulked about. Carter had a great day, regardless. I pretended the best that I could, and it was enough. Raina avoided me most of the time, and I was okay with that.
The party ended about an hour or so ago. Raina left with Carter to drop him off, just as she said. She’s been gone for a little while now, a little longer than usual. I expect she is telling her mom about this morning, hoping for advice. We’ll be headed to Dr. Lowe’s office when she returns. I’m not looking forward to this, but it’ll make things better with Raina again. Talking to the doctor may help to ease my mind from the dread I’m feeling. I’ll update you in a few days to let you know how it went.