Guys, I think I messed up… I forgot it was Valentine’s Day yesterday.
I know! You probably think I’m the dumbest man in the world for forgetting like *the* most important holiday for couples, and you’d be correct in that assumption.
Do you want to know why I forgot it was Valentine’s Day? *Fucking. Video. Games.*
I started playing this open world RPG survival game called *CAMP: Survival of The Fittest* and got completely sucked in, going on a three day binge playing the game. In my defense, it’s a pretty fun game where your main objective is to survive in the vast forest that makes up the world. It was really cool because I got to hunt and build things, even interact with other players, without actually doing it in the real world. As much as I love the game, I hate camping. Despise it. Nature is dangerous and bugs creep me the fuck out. Hence the sedentary gamer lifestyle.
For the past couple of days Veronica, my girlfriend, kept reminding me about how important yesterday was. It would be our third Valentine’s together. It was a big deal for her since none of her relationships had lasted that long before.
I tried. I really tried to keep a mental note of it, but man that game sucked me in!
The night before yesterday I was up pretty late playing *CAMP*, so Veronica was already asleep when I got in our shared bed. I didn’t wake up until about one in the afternoon, at which point Veronica had already left for work. She didn’t send me a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text or anything either, so I really don’t understand why she’s so upset. It’s not like she got *me* anything either…
Anyway that’s beside the point. By the time I had tuned back into reality, the clock was past midnight by a of couple minutes. When I checked my phone I saw a singular text message from my girlfriend: *You forgot.*
My heart dropped into my stomach as I realized how bad I messed up. A sinking feeling filled my gut as I noticed I was alone. Veronica wasn’t in our apartment. It was unusual for her not to be home at that time. Then I remembered that I hadn’t seen or heard her all day. Her shift had ended ages ago by that point, so where was she?
I didn’t get to worry for long as the sounds of wood splintering and things breaking came from the front door.
“Veronica?” I asked wearily, slowly approaching the area the noise had come from. “Sweetie, is that you?”
It, in fact, was not my tall brunette babe, but a bulky man wearing a balaclava and all black. He had a literal burlap sack in one of his hands.
I had little time to react to the stranger breaking into my home before he lunged at me.
Now, I’m not in the best shape, but I’d like to think I could decently defend my home. I thought wrong, because I was down after one swing from this two hundred and fifty pound man barreling at me. The last thing I remember before losing conscious was the feeling of burlap being shoved over my face.
And then there I was, stuck in the middle of a forest, with no clue what direction I had come in from.
You might be wondering, Mark how do you know your girlfriend Veronica is behind all this? Well, I woke up around sunrise, stiff as a log after sleeping for who knows how long on hard dirt. I managed to lift myself up and was greeted with a camo jacket with a bright yellow sticky note on it. On it, in my girlfriend’s handwriting, was the title of the video game I’d become obsessed with.
*CAMP: Survival of The Fittest*
I let out a rueful chuckle as I crunched the sticky note up and threw it. Very funny, Veronica, very funny. At least she had left me a puffy camo jacket so I wouldn’t be totally exposed to the elements. I put the jacket on and reveled in both its comfortability and warmth.
Well, I didn’t know how long she had planned for me to be out here but three things were clear. I needed food, water and shelter.
I probably wouldn’t survive the night if I didn’t have a shelter, so that was the first task on the list. I looked at my surroundings. There was nothing but trees all around me. It seemed like she had me dumped at a reasonably flat and clear area, which was perfect for a small campsite. I also didn’t want to venture too far in case Veronica came back.
My only survival guide experience came from *CAMP*, Bear Grylls, and the Outdoor boys on YouTube, so there’s that. From what they taught me, I needed to make something that would function as both a tool and weapon.
Near the outskirts of my campsite were a couple of dead fallen trees. I grabbed a decently sturdy piece of wood and found a a nice sharp looking rock. It wasn’t sharp enough, so I grabbed another sharp rock and started striking the edge of the first rock. My goal was to create a rudimentary axe. After about an hour of careful and precise strikes, the rock’s edge was sharp enough to hopefully cut down small trees.
I gathered my stick and rock, then proceeded to scavenge for about half an hour to find a tree with vines on it. After cutting a couple vine strips off with the rock, I struck one edge of the stick so the rock could comfortably sit in the notch on top. Then I fastened the rock to the stick using the vine.
It took me about half the day, but I made an axe.
Now I could work on a shelter. I grabbed three of the dead trees and split them evenly in thirds. I then tied them together so I had two triangular supports. I took another dead tree and some vines then fastened both sides to make the foundation of a small shelter.
Using my DIY axe, I cut leaves and branches and bundled them into little sheets with some more of the vines. My shelter was pretty much complete then. I even made a little bedding out of soft leaves and sticks.
At what I guesstimated was about three in the afternoon, I went to hunt for small game.
I didn’t know the kind of wildlife I would find, but I was looking out for signs of rabbits or small game birds. Those, in my inexperienced opinion, would be the easiest to hunt. If all else failed, I could at least eat some bugs for dinner.
After walking for a little bit, I stumbled upon an abandon structure. For a second, hope filled my heart at the thought of civilization. It looked to be like a small metal shack or barn. But judging by all the rust and overgrowth outside of it, I determined it must’ve been abandoned. I still decided to check it out though. I could’ve used that as my shelter instead.
Right as I was about to enter the structure, however, the fluttering of wings behind me caught my attention. My hunger trumped curiosity, so I turned to investigate the possible meal.
I didn’t know what kind of bird it was, but it was a bird nonetheless. It was kind of big too, so I knew I’d gain some sustenance from it. I carefully stalked it from a distance.
It hopped, and sometimes flew, for about a quarter of a mile before it led me to the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. A small creek. The bird tweeted happily as it sipped on the water.
The grip on my axe tightened as I readied myself to throw it. After gaining enough courage and confidence, I launched my axe at the small bird. I clipped one of its wings. The bird screamed in pain as I drew closer to it. I grabbed my axe from out of the streams water and used it to decapitate the bird, putting it out of its misery. I picked it up by its legs and made my way back to camp.
To mark a trail so I could go back to the stream, I struck my makeshift axe onto the trees I had passed. Like I’d been doing all day. I would return to the creek later once I had managed to make a pot to boil it in for safe drinking water. For now though, it was time for dinner.
I struggled for two hours to light a fire, but after so many attempts at rubbing two dry sticks together, I got a spark! Then I blew on the little fire to really get it going.
As the fire warmed, I plucked the birds feathers and gutted it. I didn’t know what was safe to eat and what wasn’t, so I just pulled everything out. There wasn’t as much meat as I had hoped, but beggars can’t be choosers.
When I finished preparing it, I sharpened a stick and stuck my bird on the end. I leaned it up against a tree while I stoked the fire and cut some firewood.
It was still in the condition I left it in when I returned, thankfully untouched by any predators.
After about half an hour of slowly roasting it in the middle of the fire, my bird was ready to eat. And let me tell you, food tastes a lot better when you work hard for it. My only complaint was that the meat was a little bitter, but I’m sure it’s just because of the species of bird it was.
After my meal, I suddenly felt very sleepy, but I chalked it up to a full belly after a hard days work.
I was woken up by the loud vibrations of a machine starting up. My body shook violently as the smell of gasoline filled my nose. I tried moving and looking around, but it wasn’t possible. I was bound to whatever I was on by something.
Footsteps came from behind me. Then my hair was pulled and my head forced forward. It took me a second to fully appreciate the situation I was in. I had been strapped to a log splitting machine. My family jewels the target instead of a piece of wood.
“God damnit Mark! You weren’t supposed to be good at this!” Veronica yelled as she pushed my head down even harder to look at my crotch. I tried to squirm free, but it was useless. I was strapped on there good.
“I- I’m sorry!” I cried. “I’m sorry I forgot, Veronica! Please!”
“You know what this was supposed to be, huh, Mark?” Veronica said as she gestured to our surroundings. “Look familiar?” She whispered in my ear.
My thoughts raced back to the abandoned structure I’d come across earlier.
“Have you been watching me this whole time?” I asked as Veronica left my side and walked over to the lever on the side of the machine. A girly scream left my mouth as the blade pushed closer towards my nether regions. She didn’t answer my question, just pushed the blade closer.
“You know, I noticed your infatuation with that stupid little video game,” she informed me, “so, I thought I’d do something special for the both of us. I was going to take you glamping Mike, *glamping!* You wouldn’t have to sleep under a thin tent on the ground with bugs crawling beneath you. We were going to have a tv, air conditioning, a working toilet for Christ sake! I spent half the day yesterday figuring out how to rent and drive an RV just for you!”
“Veronica I-“
“Shut it! I don’t want to hear your excuses. Do you know how hard it was to get both my Thursday and Friday shifts covered so I could live in a small stinky RV for four days? And all this for what?! You to forgot about me over some stupid game?! Well, guess what, Mark? I think it’s time to teach you a lesson and do something you’ll never forget.”
Veronica smiled a wicked smile as she slowly pushed the lever, causing the blade to glide closer and closer to my male package. I squirmed in a panic, but nothing was loosening my bindings. In the split second before the blade would butcher me, I resigned myself to my fate. At least I got experience camping for once, and I was pretty damn good at it too.
I screamed in pain as the blade cut through my clothes and made contact with my sensitive skin. Have you ever had your dog or cat accidentally claw your nuts? Think of that pain, but ten million times worse. After what seemed like years of agony, but in reality was mere seconds, I passed out from both pain and blood loss.
When I tell you I was shocked to have woken up, nonetheless to find myself in the hospital! I was both relieved and terrified. But apart of me felt like something was missing. I could only guess what at the stinging pain coming from my crotch.
In the room, sitting beside me and holding my hand, was Veronica. She looked at me with genuine worry and concern. She smiled when she noticed I was awake and rubbed the back of my palm gently.
I looked at her with confused horror, not really sure of what happened and how I got here. Suddenly, she leaned in and planted a big wet kiss on my cheek before whispering in my ear. “Don’t worry, I only chopped off one nut. Let’s hope I won’t have to take the other one next time, okay?”
Veronica leaned back in her chair and gave me the sweetest, yet, deadliest smile.
I didn’t know I could be so afraid and so in love with someone before…
So in conclusion, I will *definitely* not forget about Valentine’s Day next year. And maybe in a year, or two, I’ll try my luck at camping again. Hopefully next time I won’t lose one of my balls.