I was standing motionless next to a dark shore while getting buffeted by the endless rain and wind. I heard voices around me speaking languages I didn’t know originating from people I couldn’t see. I stood shivering as the ocean danced along to the roar of the storm. Suddenly, like a bungee cord pulling a thrill seeker out of a hopeless freefall, I was violently jerked out of my dream, drenched in sweat and shivering. It took me too long to realize it was just a dream and I was just in my shitty little apartment alone. There were no voices speaking foreign tongues or deep waters moving ominously, it was just the same apartment I’d been in since I moved out of the dorms. After a little while I realized I woke up to my phone ringing and, after a second or two to collect myself, I answered my phone with only a slight shake in my voice.
“Hey Mom, do you know what time it is? I have class tomorrow.”
“James, Gramps is dead”
“…Oh” I sat in stunned silence for what felt like hours until my mom decided to speak again.
“Take a couple of days off. I need help arranging the funeral and everything else up here.”
“Yeah Mom, sure, midterms are over, my professors won’t mind.”
“Meet me at The House.” And with that, my mom ended the call. Never one for unnecessary words, that mother of mine. I started packing immediately, not like I would be able to get back to sleep.
The drive to Gramps’ house represented a nearly 8-hour drive up to rural coastal Washington. He lived in a town called Clearwater which surrounded a bay creatively named Clearwater Bay. Clearwater was where my family would vacation when I was a kid and it was always a welcome respite from my daily struggles as a kid. I learned to swim in those waters, I had my first kiss with a fisherman’s daughter under a pier, and I smoked my first joint with a teenager who worked at the one coffee shop in town. Whenever I was in that town, I felt like I belonged. As a result, I came to even enjoy the long car rides. There was something romantic about watching the rain run down the car window against the backdrop of the everpresent forest. It always let me think about absolutely nothing for a while.
By sunrise my car was packed, all my professors were emailed about the situation, and an autumn storm was starting to pick up. I hopped in the car and started the arduous journey to this town that was never really dry. The long monotonous hours gave me time to think about Gramps. This felt so wrong, he always seemed so strong, but I guess sometimes issues hide under the surface. Gramps truly loved the bay. He loved the ocean in general but he had a special love for Clearwater Bay, a love that I share.
By the time I made it, I could see the already dark day darkening more, but I had made it and just making it here was enough for a palpable sense of relief to wash over me. I had no idea I was even nervous but I guess driving through the rain will always be nerve-wracking. I stopped by the diner before heading to The Home, just as much for their biscuits and gravy as to put off seeing my mother. When I walked in through the torrent, Henrietta almost knocked me over with a hug, and I had a mug of hot chocolate in my hand before I got the chance to say hello. Henrietta was a short stocky woman who had never met a stranger and always greeted me with a smile and a warm hug that smelled like coffee. Despite only seeing her a few times a year, she was much more of a mother figure to me than my actual mother who only ever looked at me with disgust. After ensuring I was warm and fed, we quickly caught up before the conversation shifted to Gramps.
“Your grandfather passed in his sleep, the doctor wanted to do an autopsy but your mother put an end to that.” She said with a sob at the back of her throat
“Yeah, sounds like Mom.” Just like everything else, she wanted to put this behind her as fast as possible.
“I have an open guest room if you need a place to sleep that isn’t The House. Your mother can be difficult to get along with.”
“It’s alright, The House is more than big enough for me to avoid her.” The House is a massive manor built by an ancestor of mine and has been passed down paternally for as long as any living person can remember. Because Gramps only had my mother, and my mother only had me, I was the next in line to inherit The House.
“Alright then, sweetie. Well, the offer stands if you ever need it.”
“Thanks, Henny. That really means a lot.” I said, barely holding in tears. I’d forgotten how good it felt when someone was there for you.
“You’d better get out of here Jamie, the storm is only getting worse tonight and your mothers waiting.”
“You’re probably right,” I said, standing up. “I’ll see you tomorrow though.”
“Of course, have a good night”
“You too.” I said as I walked into the gale towards my old beat-up car. The winds here always seemed to be pushing into the bay no matter where you were. The short car ride through town was deeply nostalgic and it seemed the tiny town never changed at all. I pulled into the long winding driveway of the colossal manor I was to be the owner of and saw that most of the many windows were dark. Only the family room and my mother’s room were lit, with the light in the family room flickering and moving in the way only firelight can. At least there would be somewhere warm in the house to sleep. I had been battling to keep my eyes open for a while and it seemed that battle was about to be lost. When she answered the door, my mother looked none too pleased to see me. She only called me because I was all she had left.
“Welcome, James.” She said in a voice dripping with dissatisfaction and disgust.
“Hey Mom, been a while.”
“Yeah.”
“Can I come in? It’s kinda cold out here.” I said with my eyes
“Yeah.” She said without actually moving to let me in
“Thanks.” I said while pushing past her to get to the warm fire and comfy chairs I could see behind her. After waking up early and so many hours on the road, I was beat, so I collapsed on that soft warm chair and suddenly found myself beside the bay once again.
The inky water slammed the shore with the energy it stole from the intense winds, creating a nearly deafening cacophony that drowned out the world. I stood there taken in by the somewhat mesmerizing movement of the dark waves, dancing along to unseen rhythms. Despite the less-than-ideal weather, I wasn’t uncomfortable. I felt the wind but all my senses seemed to be muted like I was a step removed from my own body. However, something off still managed to catch my ear. It felt like there was something I could almost hear on the edge of my perception. There was of course the overwhelming noise of the storm but I could hear, or really feel, something rhythmic behind that. I quickly realized the thrashing of the water that I previously thought was random seemed to move along to the mysterious distant noise. There was nothing that sounded like a language, at least not a human one, but it was getting louder, fast.
It was then that I felt something in the bay. There was something deep in the bay, deeper than should be possible. I could feel that whatever it was was old, older than mankind or the gods we so foolishly made to shield us from the darkness that this thing resided in. It felt so real to me that everything else felt fake by comparison. The world at that moment was just me, this abomination beyond comprehension, and the vast hunger and anger it feels while watching the puny primates rip apart and poison the land it once ruled so well. I could feel the void and all that the void had to offer was malice and resentment.
I awoke to sunlight pouring in through the open window, birds chirping outside, and the pleasant smell of the sea wafting on the breeze. I was absolutely drenched in a cold sweat but it seemed to be a rare pleasant day in Clearwater and I intended to take full advantage by going down to the bay. Being autumn, it would definitely be too cold to swim but I always enjoyed just being around the water. Down by the bay, there were a couple little shops I knew inside and out, there were fishermen I’d known forever who told me stories about krakens and white whales, and there was of course the salt spray smell I’ve loved my whole life. Whenever I was in this town I felt an irresistible urge to be near the bay as often as possible. I had to enjoy the town on this rare sunny day, funeral stuff will have to wait till tomorrow, I thought. I made my way to the diner for a quick breakfast and to see Henrietta, maybe talk to her about my dreams. I mean the first time it just seemed like a coincidence, dreams are just weird and that’s life. But the dream I had last night was more than just weird and I felt like I just needed to tell somebody about it.
“Hey Jamie, what can I get ya?” Henrietta asked from behind the counter.
“Scrambled eggs, bacon, and potatoes, please. ”
“Coming right up hun.” She said before telling my order to the cook and sitting down at a table with me. “So how was being in the same house as your mom”
“Honestly not terrible. I passed out as soon as I got in the door and she wasn’t around when I woke up so I hardly had to interact with her at all.”
“Maybe that’s for the best, your mother is a nice woman but for whatever reason, she hated you from the moment you were born. Terrible thing to hate your own child.”
“Well talking to her wasn’t actually the worst part of my night” Henrietta looked at me curiously. “Do you normally remember your dreams”
“Not typically, why do you ask?”
“Neither do I but the last two dreams I can’t seem to forget.”
“Do tell”
“Shouldn’t you get back to work?”
“I own the place, am I gonna fire myself?” Henrietta said chuckling “The other staff can handle the… customers.” She said gesturing to the empty restaurant.
We sat down and I explained the whole dream in detail. From start to finish Henrietta had the strangest look on her face. She stared at me, mouth slightly ajar, with a look of intense fascination, concern, and almost … greed? After I finished my story the cook brought out my breakfast and this seemed to break her out of something close to a trance. “Sorry honey I guess I’m a bit tired but don’t worry I was still listening.” She apologized “Honestly that dream sounds pretty bad but at the end of the day, dreams are just dreams.”
“You’re right” I choked out between bites of hashbrowns. I guess I was hungrier than I thought. This plate in front of me was all I could think about, the thoughts of a dark windswept shore almost slipped from my mind, but Henrietta’s reaction to my story still stuck out in my mind like a blood stain on a white sheet. With my mind seemingly stuck on how uncomfortable that fucking expression made me. Somehow this sweet woman I considered more than a mother was capable of making a face that shook me to my core. I needed to get away. “I should get down to the harbor before the weather decides to make a turn for the usual”
“Alright honey, have a great time… Don’t worry about the bill.” She said motioning for me to put away my money. She never charged me but I offered every time anyway.
The harbor was the same as always. The same people working off the same boats living in the same houses selling the same types of fish out of the same shops. These people had been a constant in my life. I found early on that they were always looking for someone to listen to their stories so I spent many hours with all of them. Early on they would tell a story over hot chocolate but in my teen years, this managed to shift into a story over coffee and a couple rounds of blackjack, not that I minded. Despite being here relatively rarely, I was closer to the people here than I was with anyone back home. I was just never able to make friends outside of this little town for whatever reason.
The little clump of shops that made up the retail portion of the harbor was about as busy as it ever got but all my fishermen friends were away trying to earn a living so I would be without their company until dark. As I made my usual circuit around the shops, talking to all the owners, and making the usual small talk, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that people were staring at me. I guess being the heir to the largest place in the city as well as only visiting once a year or so lately made me almost a celebrity around here, which is odd because neither of those things is new but people are only just now staring. Even with the staring, the calm breeze over the ocean brought absolute peace to my mind. I stared out into that blue-black abyss and for the first time I let myself feel Gramps’ death. I felt my eyes sting and watched the sharp lines of the wake start to blur thinking about all the time I didn’t get to spend with him and all the things left unsaid when a shape that had been standing on the rails on the corner of my vision became a shape on the wrong side of the rails, and then it became a splash.
I looked over the edge and saw a plump little towheaded kid floating in the water, and before realizing it I was on the wrong side of the rail. I braced for the cold as the water came in, logically the water should be unbearably cold, it really should have put me into shock and caused me to drown along with this kid who never read about Icarus, but none of that happened. The water was way too warm, like tropical warm, but the kid’s teeth still chattered together and his lips were approaching blue so I knew I didn’t have a ton of time. It was only when I stepped completely out of the sea and onto the shore, with the little kid in my arms, that I felt the cold of the day seep through my wet clothes. After profuse thanks, apologies, and copious amounts of hot chocolate and hugs, the kid was safely returned to his family and I started my trek back in the clothes said family so graciously cleaned and dried for me. The sun still had a lot of sky yet to travel but with what happened with Henny, all the staring, and now that kid, I decided now was a good time to call it a day.
With all that’s going on I feel like I just needed to tell somebody this and well this is cheaper than therapy, not to mention someone here might actually believe this. Anyway, I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure if anything is even wrong. I mean what, I had a couple bad dreams, an old woman looked at me funny, and some people stared at an out-of-towner? All of these seem pretty normal but something about this feels wrong. Any help would be much appreciated and I’ll try and update you when I can.