“Why won’t you come with me?” Andrea’s voice whined down the phone in the tone she always adopted when she wasn’t getting her way. “C’mon… please? Everyone else is busy…”
“I already told you, I’m not going back to another one of your shitty dive clubs. Remember last time when I nearly got my eye gouged out in the moshpit? I had to take a week off work.”
“So what if you got your bell rung for the first time, you really want to die without any scars? Besides, do you have any idea how hard it was to get these tickets? I had to pay some random street guy double just to get us in the door.”
“Well, what’s the big deal about this place, then? Why’s it so exclusive?”
“Suck Shaft.”
“What?”
“Suck Shaft, they’re opening. Headliner’s some local hick but everyone’s going to see Suck Shaft, it’s their first gig in like ten years or something. How in the fuck have you never heard of Suck Shaft?”
“Andrea, can you please stop saying ‘Suck Shaft’ for a minute… let me think…”
“Look, are you coming or not? We’ll be in and out in two hours, Tom, I promise. You’ll be no worse off for work tomorrow, might even have something interesting to say around the water cooler, ay?”
“Fine… As long as we’re only staying for the opener.”
“Great! Pick me up at six.”
beep
I pulled up outside Andrea’s house to find her sitting impatiently on the doorstep and she eagerly bounded over and hopped inside.
“Are you as excited as I am?!” She asked giddily, looking at me with her make-up-caked face. She presented two little white tickets and passed one over. “This is gonna be a night to remember!”
“Yeah, whatever… Two hours, then I’m going home, so don’t fuck around, okay?” I put the car in gear and departed from the pavement. “I mean it, Andrea. I can’t mess up with this job right now.”
“Jeeeez, you’re such a stick in the mud…” She groaned dramatically as her eyes rolled back into her head.
As we drove slowly down the decrepit street which was home to the run-down venue I was immediately shocked at just how busy it really was. A swarm of patrons all waiting to get inside mobbed the sidewalk and spilled over into the street. After a tedious fifteen minutes of creeping around, I eventually managed to squeeze the car into a tiny space two streets over.
It was freezing but I gave Andrea my jacket anyway after catching a few passive aggressive ‘brrrrr’s’ as we walked side-by-side to the club.
“Why didn’t you just bring your own coat?”
“Well, I didn’t know we’d have to park like a hundred fucking miles away, did I?”
“What if it’s cold inside? You consider that one, genius?”
“We won’t be cold for very long,” She shot me a sly wink as she dug into her back pocket and held up a baggie containing two tiny pills stamped with a smiling alien. “Roll with me?”
I looked into her big green pleading puppy dog eyes and found myself unable to say no. That and it had been a while since I’d gotten my hands on some decent ecstasy. Andrea always got good X.
“I’ll take half. Remember I still have to get us both home in one piece after this.” I said in a defeated voice, but secretly I was excited for the first time that day.
“Yay!” Andrea hopped up and clicked the heels of her Nikes at me. “This is gonna be great!”
She pulled the bag open and bit half a pill, handing me the other half. Then, without any hesitation, she slammed the other full one down too before flashing her tongue at me the way I imagine they make the patients do at mental hospitals after med time.
“For fuck’s sake, Andrea. Really? You said two hours. In two hours’ time you’re gonna be completely gone, I’ll probably have to carry you through the dance floor, prise your fingers off the stage just to get you out the door with me.”
“A promise is a promise.” She booped my nose condescendingly the way you might a small child. I always hated when she did that, endearing as it was. “When it’s over, it’s over. I won’t hold you back.”
“I hope not.” I’d gotten the pill down quickly, but that bitter taste still permeated the surface of my tongue and a little at the back of my throat. “I really hope not…”
We rounded the corner and joined the back of the line and found ourselves relieved that it was moving relatively quickly. I stood on my toes and got a decent look at the action up front. The bouncer wasn’t even really checking the tickets, just a nod in acknowledgement at whatever random white paper was being presented. This prompted me to check the one in my pocket.
It was riddled with typos. I held it up to Andrea and she looked at me as if I was from Mars.
“What?”
“You paid double for fake tickets?”
“Yeah, so what? They’ll get us in, won’t they?”
“Jesus, Andrea. I swear, two hours and then we’re leaving. Okay? This is gonna be a nightmare to get away from, look how busy this fucking street is, it’s all because of these fake ticket scalping fucks…”
The ecstasy had begun to take effect and I couldn’t help but feel a little shame for just how hard my half a pill was already kicking my ass. I looked over at Andrea for the first time since we’d joined the queue, of which was quickly packed behind us as we gradually approached the front, boxing us in. She was chewing voraciously at her bottom lip. I put my arm around her shoulder reassuringly and she turned to me with her big wobbly pupils. The vibrant green of her irises almost obscured by them.
“We will get in, right? Won’t we?” She asked with a sort of desperation that I understood. I’d had a ‘bad’ X trip before when my plans got cancelled and I’d taken too much, ended up milling around my apartment hugging pillows and gnawing at my toothbrush. I pictured Andrea disappointedly sitting on her couch while she ferociously stroked her cat with hardstyle blasting through her TV speakers.
“Yeah, I think we’ll get in. Don’t worry.” She pulled me closer to her and we embraced. Usually that took an hour or two but the clear overdose had ramped up the process. “Are you sure you’re okay to go in here? You shouldn’t have done all that at once.”
“Oh, y-yeah” She chattered at me through her clenched teeth. She broke away for a second and yelled into the crowd behind us.
“SUCK SHAFT! WOOO!”
She was met with a rallying cry of about two dozen other people who were also prematurely wasted. With a pleased giggle she took my arm again and snuggled in, which was a relief because it was so damn cold on that sidewalk. We got close to the front and I whispered into Andrea’s ear.
“Look, just keep your head down and don’t look at the bouncer. If he sees how fucked up you are he won’t let us in, okay?”
“Okey-doke…”
“Gimme your ticket.”
I took her ticket and approached the big man by the door as Andrea half-hid behind me. No words were exchanged, barely even a look. He grabbed our tickets, and in we went.
“Here’s your jacket back.” Andrea thrust my knockoff leather jacket towards me and I put it back on, knowing that it’d eventually just become a hindrance in the heat. I followed closely behind as we descended the sickly white painted concrete stairwell, already littered with cigarette butts and empty bottles and vomit possibly from the night before. The music was getting louder as we got closer to the underground set. Thick swathes of bass resonated in the walls and in the floor and the ceiling and I felt myself come alive.
The stairs ended after a few turns and Andrea took my hand and led me into the packed crowd, all moving sinuously to the beat. I felt a jab in my ribs but I didn’t care. We were somewhere close to the stage, but I couldn’t tell where. My vision flickered and moved with my body as I danced with Andrea, every so often taking an accidental shove from a stranger and giving out a few of my own. That moment, I don’t know how long it lasted, but it was the last time I was ever truly happy.
I brushed it off at first, something being shouted that looking back, I know must have been ‘fire’. I just didn’t want to believe it. Then, when the dancefloor broke its rhythm and people began to push into us towards the exit, I realized what was happening. Andrea looked into my eyes and I could see she knew it too, that rapturous joy snuffed out by terror. When the real world creeps into the fantasies we use to escape, turning them foul forever.
The music was still blaring, but the stage was empty. Smoke trickled out from behind it. Screams began to overtake the bass as people crammed in beside us, all running in the same direction. The lit single door exitway was in near darkness spare a few gaps that weren’t full of people squeezing through. It was utter chaos.
All around us the ones who’d fallen over were stepped on in the scramble, I could hear their bones snapping under the weight of frantic footfalls and their pained reactions as they gasped their last breaths before giving in. Several men and women were actively shoving people back, throwing elbows and punches with others retaliating and then succumbing to the trampling themselves. We managed to reach the exit door leading to the stairs, but as I squeezed myself through Andrea’s wrist got caught in the doorframe and was shattered by the incoming horde pushing through the cramped doorway three at a time. She screamed, shrieked out, and then was lost. I didn’t look back, I was overcome with an unbearable rage. I stood in that doorway and I kicked out hard, knocking at least a dozen people back into the club, which was now entirely ablaze as flames engulfed the stage rendered near invisible by the thick black smoke.
I wasn’t giving anything close to a fuck. I jerked my elbows into noses, I yanked back two womem ahead of me and they tumbled backwards down the stairs into the fiery oblivion below. I kicked and I punched and I shoved and I think I even bit a guy at one point, until eventually, I managed to wriggle through the open door and into the night air as sirens screeched down the street towards the scene. I looked back over my shoulder at the carnage as other escapees of the blaze rushed past me to safety. I did too, except I didn’t stop running.
I got in my car and I drove home.
Fifty-three people died in that club that night. Seventy were injured, many in ways that’ll surely have made their lives a living hell since. Andrea. I’m not sure if Andrea died in the crush or under some fucker’s boot or if the smoke got her, or the fire. All I know is that she didn’t make it. I just hope it was quick. Oh, fuck, how I hope it was quick… I look back and it’s like I can see her lying there by that jammed up door with her wrist all bent backwards with the bone sticking out while she pleads, begs, the other people there to help her. Everyone ignored her. I ignored her.
I don’t like to think about it. I can’t. So I don’t. I moved away. Nobody knows I was there, or what I did. I know I’ll never forget it, though. I know that I’ll never forgive myself.