Connor doesn’t speak to me and I don’t know why. We did have a fight but I apologized and I thought it was all settled.
It was New Year’s Eve and since we are long past the time of hardcore house parties, we just had some friends over. Ugh, I sound old…but a board game night sounded much better! We gathered a few bottles of champagne, cooked some food and hit it off. We shared stories, joked, gossiped about coworkers and ranted about the whole Christmas-with-the-family ordeal, it was quite nice actually.
Until some minor disagreement during one of the board games. Do you know that kind of a fight between you and your SO that would not happen on any other day? But you had a crappy day, or one too many drinks, and it just escalates to be a much bigger deal than it actually is? I know, I know, I’m also at blame, I did say some nasty things but he was really overreacting and just so defensive! I couldn’t help getting angry. We tried to talk it out and for a while it seemed we could get on the same page. We calmed down a bit, we cheered and kissed at midnight, but after our guests left, one thoughtless comment was enough for us to be back at it again. At one point he just grabbed his keys and coat and stormed out of our apartment. He said he needed to clear his head.
I was devastated. This never happened to us. I thought we were different, that we could discuss everything and not run away from our problems. I just didn’t know what to think and feel. It was such a stupid thing to fight about. I must have cried myself to sleep as I woke up on the couch some time after drenched in sweat. I realized that almost two hours have passed since Connor’s departure and he was still not back. I started to have a very bad, unexplainable feeling about him and that something might have happened.
So I decided to go after him. I grabbed my phone from our bedroom, locked up and rushed down the stairs. I might have been still half asleep or bit tipsy as I accidentally missed one of the steps in the hurry. I felt the world turn around as my head hit the floor.
The next thing I know is I’m on the ground, feeling really cold. I must have blacked out for a bit from the pain. My head was throbbing, but I saw nothing on my hands when I touched it. I slowly got up, looking for my phone, hoping it was still in one piece from the fall. It had a crack on the screen but seemed to work otherwise, so I rushed to the street looking for Connor. Everything was quiet and empty. I called his name and tried to reach him on his phone, with no success. I looked at my watch reading 3:15 but the sun was already rising. Was I out on the streets this long? I couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad has happened, but I was getting really tired so I just decided to head home.
I woke up with a terrible headache. It seemed that many hours have passed as it was already dark outside. The apartment was cleaned up after the party, which was a nice surprise. Connor was standing at the side of the bed. Thank God he was well and safely at home! He seemed a bit off though. He was pale, like he hasn’t slept for a while. Understandable, we did have a rough night. I tired to talk to him, let him know that I wasn’t mad any more, but he just stared into the dark. I asked where he went and why he didn’t pick up the phone, but it was as good as talking to a wall. I apologized multiple times, saying I was just happy to see him and let’s put this stupid fight behind us but I couldn’t get anything out of him. I didn’t understand why he was giving me the cold shoulder. He didn’t even look at me.
This has been going on for a while now. I tried everything, but he just doesn’t want to talk to me. This is nonsense! I even messaged him, thinking maybe he’ll read that and stop ignoring me, but after taking a glance at the screen he chucked his phone to the corner of the room with a horrified expression on his face. I noticed some of my stuff is gone too and he removed our pictures. Is this his way of telling me it is over?
-–
‘Fuck.’ My voice was shaking, looking at the scratchy handwriting in my girlfriend’s journal.
As I spelled out yesterday’s date at the top of the page, I realized she had been dead for almost a week know. But before the familiar feeling of loss could hit me, my phone started to buzz with her number again. I think she’s starting to get angry…