“You are a failure of a human being”
That is what I have been hearing ever since my childhood. I was born hollow, a being without emotions or feelings, emotions which come so naturally to humans, totally absent in me.
I was born in a small town in Massachusetts, to my now deceased parents. I have heard from them that the moment I was removed from my mother’s womb, I didn’t cry.
To the people outside, our family appeared tightly knit, loving parents of a well-behaved child however that was all just a facade. My parents used to beat me, a boy like me having no feelings was a perfect opportunity for them to take out their frustrations on me.
I remember being taken to the dark basement of our house by my parents where they kept hitting me until I bled, I didn’t mind of course, to me it was just a regular painless experience.
Everything changed, however, when I had this particular dream one night. Everything around me was white as if I was in a void, however I wasn’t alone, in front of me was what appeared like a man.
Clad in a brown trenchcoat, a black fedora on its head with brown shoes and white gloves, its proportions were exactly like that of a normal human adult however it lacked one feature, the face. It didn’t have a face, the place where the face should go was missing instead all I could see was the familiar white colour which surrounded me.
I could feel that it was staring at me. Suddenly I awakened from my slumber by the sound of my alarm clock. I looked around my small room where fresh golden rays of the early sun fell from the uncovered parts of my window.
I looked around my room and saw it, the entity which appeared in my dream, it looked exactly the same as it did in my dream with the only difference that it wasn’t looking at me, it was looking at my bedroom wall in front of me.
Perhaps, a normal man would have felt fear at the sight of this entity, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t tell anyone about the entity, it always followed me wherever I went, always looking away from me. I didn’t communicate with the entity for a few weeks until one day I said to it “what if my parents were to die?”.
A child’s curiosity, I was made aware of the concept of death very early in my life when my grandmother passed away, I didn’t mourn her death, didn’t shed a single tear, my relatives didn’t know I was born with no emotions so whenever I asked them why were they crying and why was I not, they will always answer me that I wasn’t close enough to my grandmother.
I always pondered the question that, what if my parents were to die, they were the only people closest to me, would I shed tears?
I went to sleep again and had the same dream, I was back again in the white void with the entity staring me down, however, there was something different about it, its white gloves were now red.
I woke up to the blaring of sirens in the middle of the night. I stepped outside my room to see my parents’ door open and the light turned on. They usually slept at this hour so it was odd to me, so I went to check it out.
Inside it, I saw two police officers standing, the usual yellow painted walls now painted a fresh crimson, and near the wall lay both of my parents.
My father’s lower jaw was missing and his torso opened to show a macabre scene, his rib cage opened to reveal his now dead heart, his lungs removed and thrown on the floor near him.
My mother’s eyes were missing, in their place were two empty red holes, one of her arms torn off and the other bent unnaturally, both of her legs gone, thrown across the room.
I thought it was finally time, my parents were dead, it was time I gained my emotions for the first time but nothing, I felt nothing looking at the grotesque scene in front of me, my parents were dead for nothing.
One of the police officers noticed me and immediately covered my eyes telling me that he was sorry. I was escorted to the police station where they asked me a few questions about what I was doing at the time and if I heard anyone break-in, I answered no for both of the questions.
I remained in the station for the rest of the night until I was driven to my new home, an orphanage. I was greeted by people wearing bright clothes with a sunflower pattern drawn on them and was escorted inside.
Inside was a big room filled with bunk beds and kids of various ages who were playing. One of the people who escorted me introduced me to the other kids who welcomed me. I was assigned an empty bed to sleep on and was explained the rules of the place that I had to follow.
The first few days in the orphanage went on smoothly, the kids were initially fascinated by me not possessing emotions, they pinched my cheeks and tried to make me laugh but my face remained the same. However, after those few days everyone ignored me like I didn’t exist, they played among their own groups and I was the only one left behind.
I didn’t think much of it, well I couldn’t even become sad if I wanted to so I spent the entire day conversing with the entity, telling him about my childhood before he appeared and the creative ways my mother and father would beat me.
After dinner, during sleep time I asked the entity a question “what is your name?, you haven’t told me yet”, the creature didn’t react, it kept looking at the wall in front of me, eventually, I fell asleep.
Ever since the entity showed up my dreams have always been the same, the same white void and the same entity staring at me. I woke up in the middle of the night to several people screaming, I woke up from my sleep, my vision blurry, I rubbed my eyes and looked in front of me.
There laid a man slumped on the wall, his stomach slashed open with his intestines pouring out, his bright coloured clothes now stained crimson, then I looked at the wall and saw something written on the wall with blood, “EZEKIEL”.
The next few days in the orphanage were completely silent, all the kids were either hiding under their blanket or under the bed, everyone was afraid to sleep during the night, I kept having conversations with Ezekiel, occasionally telling him to bring me things like chips or soda, Ezekiel will bring me all of them, however, every time I asked for something, someone died horribly within the orphanage, sometimes kids, sometimes adults.
Eventually, I got sent away from the orphanage to the house of my foster family, a nice couple, unlike my parents they cared for me and didn’t beat me till I bled. I eventually finished high school and entered college where I moved out of my foster family’s house to a small apartment of my own.
During college, I was ignored again, sometimes being beaten up by one of the jocks, they all called me the same thing, “a failure of a human being”.
I would often come home bruised, oftentimes bleeding, I would go on long talks with Ezekiel, the only being closest to being a ‘friend’ of mine. Then arrived that fateful day, which I regret the most in my life, I arrived from college bruised as usual and at night asked Ezekiel something
“Ezekiel, can you give me emotions?”
Ezekiel for the first time turned to look at me, its face white as the void I had been in all of my dreams, appearing like a portal to the void and then suddenly, I felt something grab a hold of my throat, it was Ezekiel. It had wrapped its hands around my throat, choking me.
I desperately gasped for air as I punched Ezekiel’s arms which felt like I was punching solid rocks, I felt my vision becoming darker until everything was pitch black.
I was back in the void, taking a big gulp of air, I looked around and to my surprise, Ezekiel wasn’t there, he wasn’t in the void with me, he was gone. I woke up to my alarm clock the next morning, I looked beside me and Ezekiel wasn’t there.
My eyes and cheeks felt warm all of a sudden, I touched my face and it felt wet, I licked some of the liquid near my eyes, it was salty, they were tears. Ezekiel had granted my wish, I cried that day, I don’t know if it was tears of joy or sadness.
I went back to my college, who were surprised to see me have emotions. Those days were bliss, I had finally become normal, a human being with emotions, I was no longer hollow, I eventually made my own small group of friends but that’s where the fun ended, unfortunately.
I thought I will naturally know how to react in certain situations, however, that wasn’t the case, I laughed after hearing my friend say, his mother died, I don’t know why I laughed, my friends eventually all left me, I was back to being bullied again, the emotions I had wanted for all of these times were a burden.
I felt anger, I felt sad, I felt despair, strong emotions that I had no idea how to cope with, I became miserable, spending my days at my apartment without going anywhere, my life rotting away before my eyes. A part of me was still empty, it ate away at my entire being, I longed for it to be back, I longed for Ezekiel, the only one who understood me, the only one who didn’t cast me aside.
I called out his name like a fool inside of my apartment, I knew I was the one who left it behind but I worthlessly believed there was a way to bring it back. Then I heard it, a dark, sinister voice behind me
“There exists a way to bring Ezekiel back”
I looked behind me. It was freakishly tall and its body was dark, dark like the night, its body and limbs were thin and its arms reached its feet and had sharp claws. The most horrifying thing about this figure, however, was its face. Its face was white and had two sunken eyes, staring into them felt like staring into the abyss and its mouth contorted into a wide grin filled with rows of razor-like teeth.
That was the first time I felt genuine fear, I moved back from the creature but was blocked by a wall behind me, the creature moved towards me,
“Ezekiel can be brought back”
“What are you saying? Stay away from me”
The creature let out a maniacal cackle
“You cast Ezekiel away and now you long for him again, wasn’t it, your wish to become human”
My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt like I was sucking up the entire world’s air, I laughed, I cried in succession, I felt my emotions run wild, my heart felt like it will break at any moment, I thought to myself “I am going to die”.
The creature raised one of its gangly arms, I closed my eyes waiting for my death to come but it didn’t, I opened my eyes and looked at the creature who was now holding my arm. I didn’t feel any fear, I didn’t feel anything.
“Calmed down now?” The creature spoke
“Yes”, I muttered under my breath
“I will repeat myself again, there is a way to bring back Ezekiel”
I didn’t feel relieved nor did I feel anxious, there was something inside my being, telling me to trust this creature and I did.
“How can I bring him back”
“Quite simple, you reenact the way Ezekiel used to grant your wishes”
Memories of Ezekiel started to play like a movie inside my head, “reenact the way, Ezekiel used to grant my wishes?”, I thought to myself, looking through my memories for the answer and then I found it, the only way to bring back Ezekiel, I had to kill, kill like Ezekiel to grant my wishes.
I got up from the corner, the creature now gone but I heard its voice in my head “bring back Ezekiel”, echoing continuously in my head, I got my coat and headed outside into the chilly night, the bar near my house was still open, I went inside and immediately hit it off with a girl, I brought her to my home which was nearby and laid her onto my bed.
I went to the kitchen area to grab a knife, “it’s the only way”, I told myself, I went back to my bedroom to see the girl undressing herself, I laid on top of her, feeling her warm, supple white skin, she brought her lips towards my face and I covered her mouth with my fingers.
“Come back to me Ezekiel”, I screamed as I plunged the knife into her chest, she screamed, I pulled my knife out and stabbed her again and again, repeatedly screaming for Ezekiel to come back, she fought for her life, scratching at my face and trying to push me off but it was to no avail.
I pulled out my knife, now coated with blood, my hands now stained crimson, the job wasn’t over yet, I took the knife and slashed at her skin until her torso revealed itself, I took the hammer I had and hammered her rib cage until it broke, I took out her heart from within, stabbing it once with my knife as it oozed blood everywhere.
I saw the creature once more, its toothy grin, wider than ever before, it let out a cackle and said
“Not enough, Not enough, more, more”
It opened its jaw and ate the dead girl whole, “yes, it is not enough”, I thought.
The next months are hazy to me, all I remember is killing more people in the name of bringing back Ezekiel, innocent people whose life I had brought to an abrupt stop, I kept hearing the creature’s voice telling me to kill more and bring back Ezekiel.
The police were investigating my murders but never came close to finding me as the creature had already eaten the bodies of the people I killed, it merely remained a mass disappearance case.
After my 50th murder, I returned home exhausted, the creature’s voice kept repeating in my head, I suddenly encountered a mirror and accidentally looked at myself and felt my lost emotions come back again.
It wasn’t me in my reflection, it was the creature, I moved my hand and so did the creature, the creature’s voice stopped, I looked at myself for what felt like hours and finally realised it, there was no creature, it was myself all along, I threw up in front of the mirror as all the emotions welled up inside me hit me at once.
I looked at the mirror again, the people who I have killed were all there
“Why did you kill us?” They all spoke in unison
“It wasn’t me, it was the creature, yes, he convinced me to do everything” I blabbered out
“Why did you kill us?” They all screamed
They were all screaming at me, continuously repeating that I killed them, I screamed at them to stop, I screamed repeatedly until everything became quiet.
I didn’t dare open my eyes when I heard it again, the creature
“You are forgetting the most important sacrifice”
“No, it can’t be, no, I won’t listen to you any longer”
“End your life for Ezekiel to come back”
“End your life” is what I have been hearing since that time. I moved away to a faraway place, I still hear them as I am writing this and well, I have decided to give in to the voices, initially my thoughts were in disarray but now they are clear, I must kill myself for Ezekiel, my only friend to come back.
I don’t know why I am writing this in the first place, perhaps on impulse, perhaps I wanted someone to know my life, to remember my final moments.
In the end, before I go, I will like to say
Please come back to me, come back to me Ezekiel.