Hello. I’m a frequent visitor of reddit and I wanted to talk about the experiences that I’m having, I can’t really talk about this with anyone around me or they’ll lock me up in a psych ward again, so I will talk about this at here, or anywhere that my parents will not find it.
My brother was a problematic person back then. He was a high functioning autist and would make us hell everywhere we went to. Holiday, mall, wherever we went he would just ask for something and if my dad refused he would make a tantrum for it. I was quite harsh to him too. A couple of years ago before his suicide, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and every kind of delusion came to my mind about him. I couldn’t bring my only friend to the house because of him even though she really wanted to. I was unnecessarily harsh to him and I have no one but to blame myself.
So, even though his autism was noticeably getting better, he was getting more closed to the world, everyone around him. He started to skip school days and shut himself in his room. I was drowning in my own misery, so I did not notice his worsening depression. Couple of months after his 16th birthday, I had a psychotic episode at a park and I was basically forced to go to a psych ward. I was the only one at home who would spend time with him, so I could only imagine how much he was suffering. Then my schizophrenia worsened.
They wouldn’t let me see anyone for weeks other than the nurse who would give me medicine every day. Days went there so fast that I even thought I lost the concept of time and space. My hallucinations was getting on me every time and I was really frightened at everything for a good while. After spending a year and a half in that prison, they finally let me out. His birthday was coming closer and I was quite happy to see him. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth if I couldn’t go to his birthday party.
He was more calm and collected wherever we went, but in an uneasy way. He was almost robotic and numb, like his soul was sucked out of his body. My parents were obviously happy with their son behaving in public places, however, he still refused to go to the school. My dad went to school to talk with principal about this, but my brother didn’t say anything when they asked if he was being bullied or abused by someone.
His birthday was average, dad bought a modest cake, and he seemed quite happy. However when it came to the presents his face soured. I bought him a new game on the console, which he was happy with, but then he said that my parent’s bought him clothes when he wanted a new phone. Then my mom said that he didn’t buy anything for him at last mother’s day, which was false, he got quite upset. I could feel that he really wanted a new phone since the old one was outdated and had a lot of problems. My dad joined mom and they both berated him saying that he was ungrateful. He got really furious. He started to say that they didn’t care about him unless he was their pet and did what they wanted. When it got heated, I told everyone to shut up, this was his birthday and he told dad that he wanted this phone for a long time. Everyone was on their nerves, my brother said he was going to his friend’s house and left. I was really exhausted from what I’ve witnessed and after berating my parents for the final time, I didn’t take the slice of cake that was in front of me, then I shut myself in my room. I knew that my brother got really sad afterwards, but nothing would prepare me for what he had done that night.
So, the medicine doctor gave me was really messing with my sleep schedule. I would sometimes sleep at 1 am, or 4. It was one of those night where I didn’t sleep well, and I heard a thud on my brother’s room. It was not loud enough, but I got really worried after what I’ve witnessed today. Apparently I was not the only one who thought the same. My mom saw me and we both went to knock the door. There wasn’t an answer at first, but then we heard a horrific gurgling, followed by a cough. I couldn’t believe what I’ve heard. Mom was faster than me and kicked the door open. My hands weren’t fast enough to cover my eyes, so his convulsing body engraved itself to my mind forever. I can remember the same scene like it happened yesterday. He was crying, coughing, shaking on the ground. Blood was gushing from his throat. He cut it with a sharp knife and it looked like it was beyond saving. I heard my dad calling the ambulance as I held his throat. It was no use. He already bled too much and as the moment he was finally dying, I couldn’t hold myself from tearing up, he was dead and it was my fault. I could’ve done a lot of things before it came to this. I could’ve hug him, talk to him but I was so busy with myself that his depression went unnoticed. I am unsure of what to think of my parents. I can’t love, nor hate them. It’s a weird feeling.
Now all I have left from him is his computer and an old console. Police took his phone for a while to search if he was affected by someone, or something whatever that means. I didn’t want to look at his computer out of respect, but also I was afraid that of finding something about myself, like how much she hated me, or how I didn’t give him the attention he deserved. It was very hard to accept that he was dead,and took a devastating toll on me and my family. They divorced and I live with my dad now. That’s all and I’m glad if you listened to my ramblings. I hope I will end my life like how my brother did, it really feels like there isn’t a way out when my hallucinations are getting on me. Or when I see him in my dreams as a dark cloud is encircling the world, ending all of the life.
Thank you if you have come this far. I know I talked a lot about unnecessary details of my life, but I can’t take it anymore. I have to talk to someone, to you, to whoever reading this. Thank you.