My dearest friends, it’s been a while since I last updated. I told myself I wouldn’t, but then I struggled (once more) with the notion that I was abandoning you and leaving you wondering and worrying, especially after the last post.
As you may have guessed, something powerful and dark took hold of me. What it wanted was domination, over everything and everyone. Roj and Cecily weren’t about to let me go without a fight, and a fight they had. But it was my deck that ultimately brought me back.
In the fog of whatever had hold of me, it shone bright. It held strong and firm and called to me, like the lighthouses of old beckoning to ships seeking port. Guiding Hand was the loudest voice of them all and once I was finally able to reach for it, she held strong and hauled me in.
I can only say that I am aware of everything I did while I was under the spell of the alter-deck. Though I resided in my body, I was a prisoner of my mind and unable to do more than watch as horrible things were done by my very own hands. The alter-deck was strong, and grew stronger with each day, but there would always be lulls and in those lulls I found my chance to reclaim what was rightfully mine.
When I finally came to, I felt as though I’d just woken from a horrible nightmare. In reality, the blood of my enemies stained my hands. I had seized leadership of Oceanview but it came at the cost of those who sought the very same leadership and the innocents caught between.
I weep for them every night. All of them. For their sake and in their memory, I cannot and will not go into specifics. I know that has become a theme of mine, but it is the only justice I can provide. I will say I was not the only one committing violence, and am ever so thankful that the bulk of innocents escaped with their lives intact. In all my years, though, I never once thought I’d see the things I witnessed in that span of three days.
Creatures for which we do not even have names roamed the streets of my former home with reckless abandon. They attacked anything they happened upon, be it friend or foe. Others like the Hag were far more sinister and used trickery and deceit to lead others to their demise. The entire downtown is nothing more than a charred shell of its former self and for one entire night, the sands of Oceanview’s pristine beaches were drenched red with blood. That was the night I “woke” with a dozen supporters surrounding me, ready to carry out my commands. There eyes were drunken with bloodlust and a frenzied energy surrounded them. I know very well what it was I was about to command them to do and am forever thankful the words never left my lips. Instead, I ordered them into the ocean and bade them never to return. My hold over them was ironclad. They never resisted.
I weep for them, as well.
Cecily said life is about balance. It’s present in everything, even if we’re not always ready to see or recognize it. Her wisdom, like her compassion, seems boundless. After everything I did, she was ready to forgive me and welcome me back with open arms but I… just didn’t feel deserving.
I will miss my friends dearly but I no longer have a home here. I have an untold amount of penance to make, and I intend to spread it as far and wide as I can. Cecily and Roj say they understand, but I know they wish I could stay and help them rebuild Oceanview in their image.
I’ve seen it, thanks to Minds Eye. It’s beautiful and they, as it’s leaders and guardians, will do it justice. It’s a place that, in time, will become the haven it was always meant to be. It will shine bright in the darkest of times and will afford shelter and protection to any that need it.
While I didn’t see myself there, Minds Eye instead showed me where I’m needed. It’s hard to explain, but having to endure the power of the alter-deck forced me to evolve. I hate the word because it sounds so haughty, but it’s the only word that comes to mind. I have evolved and now the power of my deck is mine as well and I can call upon it at will. The Sage assures me I will need this newfound power in the years to come. I suppose that is something to take heart in, that I have years left to my time here. Years left to do good to undo the days of violence I wrought.
Like everything, this new journey in my life started with a knock at the door of the hotel room I was staying in for the night.
I sensed no ill intent from whomever was visiting and so brashly opened the door. There, on the other side stood a smallish figure wearing a too large hoodie with the hood drawn up.
I knew then my mistake.
I took a step back as they took one forward and into the room. The hood fell to their shoulders and revealed a face that was made of nightmares. I held back an involuntary scream as behind them the door swung shut.
The room grew dark around me as they sought to pull me under their power. Within that darkness loomed my own personal nightmares. Past deeds brought back to haunt me, monsters from my childhood… anything and everything that would make my heart swell with fright. I stood terrified and frozen as they approached with an outstretched, skeletal hand.
Their intent was to drown me in the dark and to steal the alter-deck from me. My thoughts turned to what they might do with such a power, and it was those thoughts that filled the darkness, bringing forth greater atrocities than any I had ever comitted. I saw cities laid to waste, endless seas of burning fire, bodies piled as high as skyscrapers and beasts feeding upon their flesh.
I felt the call of the alter-deck too, promising me an easy way to end my torment, to send this usurper to their justifiable demise. It was a fix I didn’t know I wanted or needed and I nearly gave in to it. But then my light shone bright and destroyed the dark. It was far stronger than the usurper anticipated or was prepared for and so it consumed them. The flash was blinding and pure. It resonated through the whole motel, touching those who needed it most at that moment.
A man who had sought to end his life left the following morning with new ambitions, new outlooks and most importantly: his life. A young mother struggling with multiple addictions found herself cleansed and filled instead with strength and a desire to raise her children free of the violence that drove her to her addictions.
I myself learned an important lesson and have since hidden the alter-deck where I am positive it will never be found. Still, I know there are those who will search for it - search for me as they believe I have it - and to them I beg: Seek another path for you will not like where it ends.
To you, my friends who have been with me from the start of my confessions to this…. thank you. Thank you for being my sounding board and thank you for being my strength and my light. The road ahead promises to be trying. I may return with yet more stories but in the interim please take heart and have faith that I will walk in the light of my deck and bring it to the places and people who need it most.
Until next time…