There are currently two corpses in my living room. The police are currently trying to find me and I’m in a gas station bathroom hoping they won’t come here. All because of a tin of corned beef.
It was the most boring day of my life. Well not really. But it was one of those days. The kind of days where absolutely nothing seems to have happened, and you feel like you wasted 24 hours of your lifespan.
The only meaningful thing I had accomplished was stocking up on food to be able to survive another week. It would have never occured to me that picking up that fucking tin of corned beef would have caused all this to happen.
Two days ago, at around 5pm, I went into my kitchen about to prepare a meal. I had looked up a nice recipe involving corned beef. Placing my phone on the counter and still peering over at the recipe, I reached into the cupboard for the corned beef. Taking the tin out, I was surprised by how light it was. I was even more surprised by the fact the tin was open, and even more surprised by the fact that the corned beef was gone.
“Huh?” I mumbled to myself. I’m a very forgetful person, so I’d assumed I had already opened it for some reason, and maybe placed it in the fridge. I placed the tin next to my phone and made my way over to the fridge. Swinging it open I was met with a full fridge. Cheese, meats, vegetables, milk, sauces, everything. Apart from any sort of resealable container. The corned beef wasn’t in the fridge either. So where the hell was it? I swear I tore that kitchen apart trying to find that stupid corned beef. Eventually I gave up and resorted to an oven ready steak pie.
Often I like to spend time in my garden. It’s about average size and has a few plants. I wouldn’t call myself a gardener, especially as most of the plants were recommendations by my sister. Most notable is the rows of sunflowers alongside a large jasmine bush. I tried to cut it down when I first moved in, but it just grew back. I’m glad it did, as it looks quite nice. Well, I’m not as glad now.
On that night, I was sat on my garden bench, taking small sips from one of my favourite beers. It was approaching sunset; I could tell by the amber rays poking through the large oak tree beyond my garden. There was a nice sound of the breeze, crickets were just coming out but one sound took my attention. It was a strange sound. Like a million pens were tapping against each other. It was a rattling sound.
I took the beer down from my lips and tried to focus on the sound. Initially I thought it was a very loud cricket or something similar. I stood up from the bench, feeling the warm grass between my toes.
There
It was coming from beneath the jasmine bush. I walked over to the bush nonchalantly, expecting some weird new insect. Maybe I could name it I had thought to myself. Beer bottle still in hand, I knelt down in front of the bush, feeling my joints pop. I peeled back the leaves, and was confused. It was a large black mass of fur, with some sort of fleshy growth. It took me a couple seconds to realise that the mass of fur was a cat. More specifically, my neighbours cat. My blood iced over for a moment. It melted back down after the initial shock wore off. “What the hell?” I said to myself. I think his name was lemon, despite his colour being nothing like a lemon. He must have been sick. My eyes were drawn to the fleshy lump. Except it wasn’t a lump. It was pulsating. Raw. Then the lump started to tear itself off lemons face, revealing the half devoured section. The blood was sapped dry, the raw sinew peeling away still stuck to the rising lump. The lump made a rapid leap towards me, fully removing itself from the cat. I jerked back, throwing my bottle at the thing.
I hadn’t even consciously done it, but I had bolted across the garden and hid behind the bench. Peering over, I could see that thing slowly crawling across the floor like a slug. It slid over the beer that was spilled on the stone floor, and started pulsating again. It must have been drinking the alcohol. Then it hit me.
It was that damn corned beef. But, that didn’t make any sense. Last I checked corned beef isn’t alive. And certainly not capable of killing cats. Wait, maybe it hadn’t killed lemon? Maybe lemon already died, and then the sentient beef had started to chomp on him. What the hell was I thinking? I hit the side of my head twice. Living, killer corned beef. Idiot. But it sure looked like corned beef. If it wasn’t corned beef, then what the hell was it?
For some reason I had expected the living tumor to have grown in size after drinking the alcohol like a sponge. Fortunately, it hadn’t. But it was making its way to me, much faster now. Grimacing, I stood back up and ran over to the back door. The beef was faster than I thought and before I knew it the beef leapt across the garden. It must have covered 15 odd meters with a single hop. I slammed the door shut, my blood pumping as I watched as the beef slapped onto the window. I must have been pale as snow as I backed into the kitchen. There’s not much for me to describe about the creature. It was just a ball of corned beef. It must have been about the size of a fist, and randomly decides between staying completely still or writhing like a mass of ants.
A knock came from my front door, startling me. I walked backwards trying to keep my eyes on the beef for as long as I could. Peering through the curtains showed my neighbor standing outside. Shit.
I crept over to the front door, unlocked it slowly and poked my head out. “Hey there.” My neighbor said. “Uh, hey.” “So I was just wondering, have you seen my cat? He’s a black cat, always looks a little grumpy? He’s usually back by now. I’m probably worrying too much, but if there’s any chance?” I let out a sigh. “Do you want to come in?” I widened the door to let him step in. He was taller than I remembered. “So do you know where-“ “Yes but, there’s an… issue.”
I lead him to the kitchen and pointed to the back door. “That thing.” “What?” The beef had disappeared. All that was left was a circle of grease on the glass. “Oh um, it’s in the garden. I think something attacked your cat and it might still be out there.” “Attacked? Well we have to get him to a vet!” He was panicking now. “I don’t think that’s a good idea with that thing still out there.” “Oh come on, we can just quickly grab him and get back inside. Besides, I can’t see anything out there.” He was right. I looked out the glass and couldn’t see the beef. My garden wasn’t exactly messy, so it shouldn’t be too hard to see anything out of the ordinary, but it was getting dark by this point. I wasn’t sure if lemon was even alive, but there might have still been a chance. “Goddamnit, fine. Just be quick. He’s under the jasmine bush.” I said as I opened the door. My neighbor sprinted out into the garden heading straight for the jasmine bush. I scanned the garden looking for the meatball. I didn’t dare look at the sides of my house, in case it was lying in wait to ambush me. My neighbor started running back, lemon in arms. Tears were starting to stream down his face. I practically slammed the door on him as he came in, trying to close it.
“I-I don’t think he’s breathing. We need to call a vet, now!” My attention was drawn to something else. “What are you doing?” he asked, turning around to look at what I was staring at. The keyhole. The beef was slowly pushing itself through the keyhole. “Get away from the door.” I said. We both started backing away. The abomination made a sickening shlop as it pulled itself out from the keyhole. It was still attached to the door handle, but it remained still, like it was staring at us. “What is that?” my neighbor asked, not understanding the danger. “Just stay away from it.”
Before we could react, the creature jumped off the handle like a springboard, hurtling through the air and landing on my neighbours hand. It was only a second before he started screaming. And he screamed. It was the loudest, most terror inducing scream I’ve heard. Goosebumps broke out on my skin. He tried to tear the beef off, but it refused to detach itself. I ran over to one of the kitchen drawers, and pulled out the largest knife I had. I could barely even stab the beef with how much my neighbor was thrashing around. Eventually he violently slammed his arm down on the table in between screaming, desperately trying to keep his arm still. I drove the knife down like a stake, piercing the corned beef. For a brief second, the creature stopped writhing. Then, the knife started to break. It was pulled into the meatball, snapping and started to be absorbed into the creature. It ate the damn knife. The beef started to move back up my neighbours arm, and his screams continued.
Several rapid knocks came from the front door. “Hey! What’s going on in there?” A bellowing voice said. I was panicking, hard. Several more rapid knocks. “Open this door, or I’m calling the police!”
My neighbor fell down onto the floor, his arm completely gone now. There was no blood, no bones on the floor, just all gone. The beef had moved onto his shoulder now, and was nearing his neck. I decided to risk it. I thrust my hands onto the creature and pulled. It hardly budged, I was more pulling my neighbor than the creature. I took my greasy hands off, stumbling back. His screams had quietened. He must have lost too much blood. Backing away, I saw as the beef started to cover his face.
There was a loud crash from the front door. I scrambled to my feet and ran into the living room. A large, burly man stomped in and started marching over to me. He had a shaved head, and his arms were probably larger than my torso. “You nee-“ I could barely get a word out before his forehead connected with my nose, sending me down onto the floor. I could barely make anything out through my blurred vision for a few agonising seconds. The large man walked over my body and let out a surprising gasp. He must have seen my neighbor. “Bloody hell! What the fuck is going on?” I twisted my body to see as he knelt down to my neighbor. “Don’t get near it!” I yelled. The man’s face contorted in disgust as he inspected the body. I watched in horror as the beef latched itself onto the mans face. He didn’t scream, as the beef was attached like glue to his mouth. He crashed into several cupboard, trying to tear the creature off with all his might.
There was nothing I could do as I got to my feet. The man had stopped clawing at his face now, his arms twitching in the air as he slid down the wall. Taking one last look at the carnage in my kitchen, I sprinted out the front door and slammed it shut, the keys almost slipped out of my shaking sweaty hands as I unlocked my car remotely. The thought of that thing leaping through the air after me kept pumping adrenaline through my veins as I dashed to my car. I practically climbed through the passengers side to get to the wheel. Backing out of the driveway, I couldn’t see any movement through the house window, or anything crawling out of the keyhole.
As I was driving out of town, I saw two police cars heading past me. The need to warn them gnawed at me, but I knew it wouldn’t matter. Sooner or later someone would be sent to check out my house and inevitably find the creature. Or worse, it might escape and possibly hide somewhere, preying on people it finds in the night. These thoughts ate away at me during the drive. The drive to anywhere.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.