199X-10-03
Journal Entry #3
When I grow up…
Daddy is a nice man. He is a cop, and I think he does great work saving people from bad men.
I love Daddy.
But Daddy comes home very late because he works as a cop. Mommy and I don’t like that, and it really makes us sad. But sometimes Mommy isn’t sad. Sometimes Mommy is angry.
I don’t quite understand why she gets angry, and she tries to hide it from me. I know that she only gets angry when she thinks I am sleeping. But she’s really loud when she gets angry. Last week she threw a wine glass at our TV. She told me that the TV broke because a baseball flew in, but I know she was lying because our window was not broken and because nobody here plays baseball. I also saw the broken wine glass in our trash can.
Mommy scares me sometimes, but I am too afraid to tell her…
When I grow up I think I want to be a cop like Daddy. Then I can save everyone and stop bad men from hurting weak people. But if I become a cop, I cannot come home early, and I’m not sure I want that.
199X-10-11
Journal Entry #11
Today I learned…
Today I learned that Daddy does not come home late because he is a cop.
Today Mommy drank too much of her favourite wine again. I don’t understand why she drinks the wine if it makes her have headaches the next morning. Adults are weird. Mommy was angry again today, but she was sad at the same time. She was crying big fat tears and talking to herself, and I tried to talk to her but she hit me across the head. It still hurts, but I forgive Mommy. She always used to tell me that I should try to forgive people for their wrongdoings.
I tried to go to bed, but I can’t sleep. Daddy came home after Mommy hit me, and he gave me a big hug which I didn’t like. He smelled like flowers that reminded me of something, and it made me feel sick. Mommy didn’t seem to like it either because she told him that he smelled dirty again. When Daddy was done hugging me his eyes suddenly widened like one of those cartoons, and he told me to go upstairs.
I’m writing this journal right now, but I can hear Daddy shouting at Mommy.
I think I heard him call her a bich (?) and she called him a cheater (?). Mommy said that she knows he comes home late because he is too busy with Jessica.
I don’t like Jessica. She’s the lady that comes over sometimes and gives me big hugs that make me feel uncomfortable. She also calls me “Erin sweetie,” and I don’t like being called sweetie or honey. Now I remember that she’s the person that the flowery smell reminds me of. Then Daddy got really loud and yelled something about Mommy being a bad mom who hits her children. I want to go downstairs and tell him that it’s okay because Mommy doesn’t hit me all the time, and that she only hits me because he isn’t home.
I don’t like it when he shouts at her. It feels like he is a cop shouting at a bad guy, but Mommy isn’t a bad man.
I want to tell Daddy to stop yelling at her because she hasn’t done anything wrong…
199X-10-15
Journal Entry #15
I think that love is…
I don’t like this prompt.
But Daddy tells me that love is when you want to protect someone and be with them all the time and make them feel happy. If that’s the case, I think I only love Mommy.
I want to protect Mommy when she is feeling sad, and especially when she is feeling angry.
But if that’s the case it means I don’t love Daddy, because Daddy’s a cop and I don’t think he needs to be protected.
I like making Mommy feel happy, even if it hurts. She always calms down and smiles when she locks me in the closet. At first I was scared, but now it’s okay. I just get a bit hungry sometimes.
When she’s angry and drinks too much wine, she’ll tie me to a chair and draw on my body. She uses a funny pen though. It’s sharp and looks like a pen but feels like a knife because when she draws on me I always bleed. I try not to cry when Mommy does this, because last time I cried and she got this crazy look in her eyes and started crying too.
The next morning Mommy will always hug me and tell me she’s sorry and that she loves me.
I don’t like it when Daddy yells at Mommy because she’ll try to draw on my face and that hurts the most.
I don’t really love Daddy anymore because I want to protect Mommy.
I love Mommy the most.
199X-10-20
Journal Entry #20
My favourite thing to do is…
My favourite thing to do is play with Mommy.
Mommy doesn’t get angry as much anymore. Now she’s happy and I am happy, but Daddy seems to be upset these days.
He stays late at the police station or wherever cops work, but Mommy doesn’t seem to care as much.
Mommy introduced me to a new hobby. She says I can’t tell Daddy about it and that it will be our little secret. I like the idea of having a secret with Mommy.
Mommy used to be a Doctor. She told me that a Doctor is someone who cuts open people and stitches their insides together. It sounds scary, but she showed me how to stitch together a “laceration” on a real kidney. Now everyday we play with a new organ. I asked her were she got them from but she won’t tell me. I bet it’s a perk of being a former doctor. That you can get organs whenever you want.
I think I want to be a doctor instead of a cop. It seems like much more fun.
199X-10-21
Journal Entry #21
I have a secret, I…
Daddy came home today very early and he looked very worried. He doesn’t smell like flowers anymore and I really like that. Daddy looked very scary today, and he told Mommy that they needed to speak. He said I couldn’t listen because it was private, but I did anyways because I didn’t want Daddy to hurt Mommy.
I heard Daddy ask Mommy where Jessica was.
I don’t know why Mommy would know about Jessica. But I have a secret that I think will help. This morning I was searching for my stuffed bunny in the laundry when I found a jacket that looked like one Jessica was wearing when she came to visit us two months ago, and three months ago, and a year ago. I think she wears it a lot. I sniffed it and I could smell the disgusting flowers.
Maybe Jessica left her jacket by accident and Mommy didn’t realize it wasn’t her own. I should tell Daddy this.
199X-10-23
Journal Entry #23
I am scared of…
I am very scared of Daddy.
I don’t think I love Daddy anymore…
Yesterday I told Daddy about Jessica’s jacket, and he looked very very very upset. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look that sad about something. He told me that I must keep it a secret, and that I can’t tell Mommy I told him. I don’t really like keeping secrets from Mommy…
Today Mommy was teaching me about how to find the arteries in a heart, when Daddy came home. He came home very very early, and I thought Mommy would be happy.
But Mommy was not happy. She looked very scared when she heard the front door open… Now I am scared of Daddy too.
Mommy ran out of the back door and I tried to follow her, but Daddy came rushing through and he pulled me to the side and told me to stay were I was. Then he ran out the back door too.
Daddy came back a while later and so did Mommy. But Mommy was wearing handcuffs. Daddy said that handcuffs are only for bad people. Mommy was screaming and kicking Daddy, but he didn’t even bother looking at her. It’s not very polite to ignore someone…
Daddy pulled out his phone and called his partner, who’s a very tall strong cop. He said he needed backup, which is policeman language for “more cops.”
Daddy was gripping Mommy this entire time. Very hard.
Daddy looked over at me and there was an expression on his face that I did not recognize. It looked like disgust and anger. He shouted at me to get away from the heart and to go back to my bedroom and wash my hands.
Mommy seemed to have forgotten I was here, until Daddy said that. Then she tried to make her way towards me and Daddy stopped her. She started shouting at me but I couldn’t understand most of what she was saying. I think she told me that she loved me more than Daddy ever would and that she was sorry but she would be going away for a while.
I believe her.
Then Daddy’s backup appeared, and they came inside our living room and pulled Mommy away from me. One of the backup looked at the heart and other organs that Mommy and I were playing with, then threw up on our carpet.
Daddy and his backup pulled Mommy away from me. She was crying and yelling that they couldn’t take her away from me because, “I am her mother!”
I tried to follow her but Daddy’s partner held me back. He had tears in his eyes while he told me that everything would be okay and that Daddy would be back soon, but he didn’t say anything about Mommy coming back.
I love Mommy. But I couldn’t make her happy, I couldn’t make her stay with me, and I couldn’t protect her from Daddy.
I don’t ever want to be a cop anymore, because Daddy lied. They don’t take away the bad men. They take away the good people too.
These excerpts were taken from a journal found inside the childhood home of suspect Erin DeGrey. Officer Matthew DeGrey has made no comment on the validity of these entries.