I’m a dark skinned man, 31 years of age. I did my PhD in a top US university, but my department was pretty bad which made the experience dark.
I was called the N-word for little mistakes, schooled on how to behave in America when I made little mistakes, just for my appearance. I was bullied, name-called, threatened and intimidated, to highlights a few elements of my dark story.
I’m well-educated. I hold 3 masters degrees, speak 3 languages, did my higher education on full scholarship in 7 countries (India, 4 European Countries, and US), and won many awards and prizes for my work.
My PhD work in the US was fruitful but the experiences with professors and staff of my department were so bad and damaging that I have written 2 PhD dissertations worth material to keep track and reflect on the issues. They are racist, abusive and entitled.
I was forced into a corner twice with threats that pushed me to feel suicidal.
First time suicidal ideation was when I had my first panic attack in 2020 due to aggression from a professor who forced me to leave his lab and delete terabytes of my PhD work data and code with two days notice. He was enraged because I refused to exclude years of my work from my dissertation which he wanted me to publish as a side paper. He forces his students to write papers not needed for the PhD so he can be a second author and get more publications in his resume. He does this paper squeezing with all his students but I did not accept it but I did not also protest, but also didn’t give in to the pressure.
Second time I was suicidal was in 2022 for an “all or nothing” job offer from the department staff and head who gave me a deportation threat for an offer I could not refuse. I found a good job outside the department (but within the university) for one quarter to salvage my career in a new area and also to avoid the bullies, but the department forced me to work for them and threatened that they won’t pay me for the other quarters if I work for another department even for one quarter. Again, they do this to many of the students, but domestic students work on the side but international students are not permitted to - visa regulations are too strict to take any risks.
Gravy on top - the “all or nothing” threat came from the same Prof. whose student attempted suicide while being forced out of the program inhumanly upon his return from a long medical leave in 2021 — I rescued him.
Pandemic + panic attack + racism + bullying + abuse + lack of accountability was not fun. Definitely tested my patience, ethics and values. I documented everything but finishing my PhD. I now finished my PhD and I got a good job.
I had ~100 meetings and ~300 email conversations with various university members — students to staff to friendly professors. I received a lot of help but help was very hard to get and it took me 2 years to understand how to manage crises. I’m now good at it.
I had to be patient, follow-up on unanswered emails often, handle the debilitating emotions that set me back on my work, manage my personal life (I’m married and have a little baby now), and still not compromise on my values or let abusers walk free with no accountability. It was hard to strike the balance.
I was often told that other than in cases like sexual misconduct and murder, professors can’t be held accountable and that I should just move on.
I’m not sure what accountability would look like. I think restorative Justice is my view of things, and I need to reconcile with the abusers. Especially because at the PhD level of training, it’s a small world and it’s not going to be easy to pretend this didn’t happen in a few years from now.
I also can’t forget the memories of this painful experience to move on.
I often loose my sleep over this. Therapist thinks I may have PTSD.
What would you do?