“My family just found out that Grandpa is addicted to viagra…”
I groaned and waited for the punchline.
“Grandma is taking it the hardest.”
My dad slapped his knee and I did my best to avoid giggling.
I had to admit, it was funny.
“Where do you get these terrible jokes?” I asked.
“Reddit mostly or DockTok reels. Gotta keep you on your toes,” dad said.
But honestly a lot of times he doesn’t. When he does say corny jokes it’s the same ones over and over. The ones that almost everyone has probably heard in their life.
Why did the dentist quit his job? He couldn’t handle the tooth.
I proposed to my wife on the elevator, it took our relationship to the next level.
I can’t say much about our how high I rank our new chandelier is but it’s definitely up there.
Stupid puns that only make you roll your eyes or fake laugh to make him stop. I told him he needs new material.
And since he loves jokes so much I decided to find him some.
Since I’m from… the modern era, dark jokes are more my style and I always felt that mixing that sort of thing with a dad joke would be a great idea.
So when I saw an old dusty book at a garage sale that had the title “Demonic Dad Jokes and Devilish Puns” I knew I had to buy it for him.
The owner seemed surprised I wanted to purchase it and warned the book was definitely dangerous.
I was sure he was probably pulling my leg, a brief preview of the book told me that it was just more of the same mindless drivel my dad enjoyed with a little spicy existentialism mixed in.
“I heard the local cemetery got a few tombstones mixed up. It was a grave mistake.”
“Grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.”
A talking tree will dialogue.
Happiness is pushing a stupid person down the stairs.
Stuff like that.
So I paid the three dollars and thirty cents and surprised dad with it on his birthday last week.
He immediately started to read it. And to my surprise he announced he had finished the joke book in only about a day.
Soon he began to practice his source material on me.
“An amputee went to a prosthetic store for a half off sale. What a surprise that’s what he was there for! Hopefully it didn’t cost him an arm AND a leg!”
“My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us BE POSITIVE BE POSITIVE.”
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure? Horrible way to find out you’re adopted.”
“Give a man a match and he will be warm a few hours. Set him on fire and he will be warm the rest of his life.”
“Did you hear about the people in the cemetery? They are just dying to get there!”
“Why does Dracula floss everyday? He has bat breath.”
“Pretty good dad, glad you enjoyed the book,” I told him.
But to my surprise, he didn’t stop telling me jokes.
“My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.”
“My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
He kept laughing as he told the jokes, and I couldn’t help but to laugh as well. It was a little over the top though and I needed to go.
He grabbed my arm and kept telling jokes.
“I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.”
“I was at the park and someone asked which child is mine and I said, I don’t know I haven’t picked one yet!”
“My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved!!”
“A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
“Knock! Knock! “Who’s there?” Lettuce. “Lettuce who?” Please let us out of the basement!!!”
“As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.”
I tried to pull away and said, “Dad you don’t need to use all your material in a single day. Give it a rest. I have to go anyway.”
But dad wasn’t listening. He was spitting off jokes rapidly, laughing louder at each one.
“My girl dumped me so I stole her wheelchair! Guess who came crawling back?”
“How do stars go out? Usually with a bang!”
“I want to warn you about playing Russian roulette but I think it’ll go in one ear and out the other!”
“Hey, if your wife says: “what would you most like to do to my body?”, “identify it” is the wrong answer…”
“I pushed a Chinese man down the stairs the other day. It was Wong on so many levels.”
“Books on resurrection are always checked out at the library. It seems no one will bring them back!”
“Dad these jokes are in poor taste,” I told him, “you can stop now.”
“Why can’t orphans play baseball! They don’t know where home is!”
Cremation is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
“What leaves a bigger impression than a kiss on a first date? A stab wound.”
“What would your great-great-great-grandfather do if he were still alive today? Scream and scratch at the lid of his coffin!”
He was laughing so hard now he couldn’t stop.
“Dad, seriously! Go tell these jokes to someone else!!” I shouted.
He ran from the house down the street, shouting jokes as he went.
That was a week ago and he hasn’t come back.
I’d like to think that there’s some moral to this, some reason for the way he acted.
So I checked the book that I got him and skimmed through. Most of the jokes were the same old stuff over and over, until I finally got to the last page.
That was when I saw one titled “The end of all dad jokes”. It was this one that drove my dad crazy. I beg you not to read it. I’m fact I have covered it up to stop you from reading it.
But if you are feeling brave, it went like this:
!This is the end of all dad jokes. The end!< ————
By the way, make sure you read that last joke with the lights on… it can get pretty dark.