As the title says, I am an explorer. Although I am not the usual kind of explorer. I am a traveller in the Far.
My name is….. well names aren’t important in the places I go. I am usually referred to as the Man In The Fedora.
You’re probably wondering what the Far is. The Far is the background of reality, a messed up hotch-potch of void, matter and time, where the laws of reality are taken with a grain of salt. The creatures that exist here would drive you mad the second their image formed in the back of your eyes. Humans cannot enter here.
Most humans that is.
The few of us who can venture into the Far are the Explorers. I myself am one of the older explorers, a few trillion years of your time. I have witnessed the birth and death of countless universes.
Including my own.
I do not hail from your universe, I come from a universe that has long since been devoured and had its contents dumped into a void to be fed to a god that does not exist, but is.
The Dead Stars have long since obliterated my universe, and I am almost certainly the last being that was born in that universe that still exists, although I am technically not alive.
I have a Fedora, a briefcase, my suit and this diary, which transmits knowledge to wherever I wish to send it, and allows me to access what you call, “The Internet”
I live in a quaint cottage that exists in the middle of an endless sea of lava in the Far. And by endless, I mean endless.
Since I’ve nothing better to do than transmit my thoughts to your universe, I figure I need to fill you in on the basics of the multiverse.
Sitting at the edges of existence, is your universe. The closer a universe is to the center of existence, the more warped and twisted it is. My universe had an astounding number of explorers, as we sat at the very edge of the Far, and yet only I was powerful enough to escape the stars.
After the universes, there is the Far. I have already explained it to you, and so I will proceed.
After the Far is the “Farther”, a place which is even more twisted than the Far, where there are 56700089 dimensional shapes, where left is pudding and north is Mt Kilimanjaro. Very few of us have ever gone here and emerged with any physical form.
And then at the very centre of it all, lies the Farthest. An endless abyss of pure nothing, and yet it is the bedrock of all existence. The end and beginning of everything. Only 4 explorers have ever been here, and existed to tell the tale.
In the Farthest are where the gods live. But not the type of Allah or Jesus that humans believe in, no, those are far weaker and exist in the Farther, these gods are older than the concept of time. Uttering their names is a folly only to be commited by the most insane of the insane, and the most idiotic idiots.
Only 1 thing from the universes has ever been there, and that man is me.
Now that I’ve given you all a great healing of existential dread, since I still have a few hours before my next pressing engagement with a minor nightmare fiend, I figured I’d tell you some stories from my past.
The story of the death of my universe is for another time, instead let us speak of Universe-XYAJSNDKAJXNNDNEISJCNDNKAKXNDN
It was ruled entirely by a species of sentient fungus that was determined to find a way to breach into the Farthest and kill the monster at the heart of it all, whose identity I dare not mention, since the last time I did, I caused the disaster that ended three million universes with an explosion that leaked into your universe (That’s what killed the dinosaurs, if you’re wondering)
It also spawned a giant dragon the size of 43 galaxies to appear in the aforementioned universe, which I managed to kill by making 789 black holes appear in it’s stomach.
Being an Explorer has its benefits.
Anyway, their plan was to build a giant cosmic drill in the Far with the help of a choir of 9 million explorers, that would burrow into the heart of the monster, and end it, probably destroying everything that’s ever existed in the process.
As usual, I teleported into the throne room of their monarch, but I got teleported into the core of a star, because they did not appreciate the previous space dragon incident, who could have thought, and I spent a whole 4 minutes digging my way out.
By the time I was out, the choir had began singing, and a thick fog was forming into a drill the size of a planet.
Fortunately, one of the local Croxians, (that’s a giant skyscraper sized psychic crocodile) had taken great offense to their actions, as they had started digging right next to it’s nest, and it expressed its displeasure by killing 6 million fungus people before I managed to psychically blow up the other 3 million.
As expected the fungoids were not too happy and as a result I am now the “Ka Sepo Terru F’o”. That is “ Evil Enemy of all Fungus kind” in English, roughly translated. Would it be a surprise to find out they tried to blow up my house on 40 different occasion, with them failing every time because I am trillions of years old and have fought much more powerful things than a bunch of angry plants
Ah, and that’ll be my cue to leave. The nightmare fiend is attempting to awaken an Old God by…. Oh dear I better get going before the screaming gets too loud.
This was a pleasant experience, and I hope I’ll be able to……. wait it’s about to succeed GOOD BYE.