I don’t remember when it started. I don’t even remember if it was in the morning or just before I was drifting off to the dream world. I just know that I made a mistake out of curiosity.
When I first read the psychiatric report of a patient that died recently, I did not know what I got myself into. My curious brain led itself to this downfall.
My parents and friends think I developed severe ADHD. I bought a ton of things that can grab my attention: Fidgeting toys, Music discs, another TV, controllable lights and lots more. At night my house is so bright that even one of my neighbors complained about how it affected their sleep.
Since that moment, whether it was night or morning, I have been deeply soaked in fear. I have to keep my senses and my brain occupied for as long as possible. It first started with me knowing that I had seen…no felt something that is similar to the beast that was described in words i should not have read. I thought I had a dream about it. I tried going through my memory, but you know how fast dreams lose their details. I kept thinking about it. The details became clearer, but it would not go away. It scared me. I tried to numb the creature in my head by distracting myself, but I knew that I was just scrolling on my phone to get rid of it, so the thought ultimately came back. I bought all this stuff, so that sounds, smells and light can overload my brain with information, in order to forget about the monster that cannot be from this world.
One day, I woke up to pure silence in my house. I feared that it knew what I was doing and it turned off all of the numbing methods I had to use to stay sane. But it was a lot worse than that.
I got up off my old bed and I realized I could not hear the squeaky noise it always makes. I clapped my hands. It stayed silent. I screamed in fear, but I heard nothing.
I was deaf.
The creature in my head made itself more aware than ever before. With one sense gone, I feared it more and I seemed to help it get to me.
I know I sound crazy and to whoever finds this, I swear I am not, it did not have any visual form in my brain. Kind of like a memory. I could not see it before me, it did not make any sounds. I was just aware of it. It consisted of no form known to man. With dots…or something like that, resembling what we call „eyes“ and with arms that could not interfere with our dimensions. The patient said that she could try to describe it, but her description would be more wrong than describing something opposite of its true identity.
I have only slept once since I became deaf. The creature escaped while I was not aware of anything, but my dreams. It used them to escape.
I cannot see or hear it, but I now notice it in all of its details. My head hurts when it comes near me. Our weak minds were not meant to be able to witness it.
It has come near me, but at the same time is far away. I am writing this because I want to keep my attention on things I can understand. Words and paper are my only option now. I have to write about it in a desperate attempt to understand it. It wants me to lose touch with my world. It wants me to join it, to stop witnessing my world. But I don’t want to kill myself.
Sarah, the patient gave in and…FUCK. I am sorry, I cannot stop writing down my thoughts. Overthinking what I am writing gives it a window of attention.
This is how it spreads!
I am sorry if you have read it this far, or if someone reads this to you. Whatever you do, do not think about it, when you are tired. It can manifest itself only when thoughts become abstract.
OH GOD what have I done! I…I still continue to write and with that I make you think about it more. STOP READING!
I am sacrificing myself now.
I am sorry.