There’s a monster in my head and I want to know if anyone else has a monster like mine. I have never been able to see what it looks like but I always hear it, whispering, or I will often feel it’s presence lurking. Mine is always so sad, and whispers the most horrific and intrusive things to me, especially at night.
“It would be easy if you died.”
”Why not just disappear for good, whose gonna notice?”
“Stop making our life so hard.”
At first these would make me feel so horrible as it would start to comment on things like my physical appearance, or my own thoughts to myself.
“You gained too much eat less.”
“You’re too thing, I can see your bones.”
“Why can’t you be normal?”
“Am I finally getting to you? I hear your thoughts.”
This monster comments on everything I feel, eat, think or things I do. I feel trapped and I am scared that I might actually end up doing the things it tells me to do. My monster will cry and random times of the nights too, a very horrifying cry. It sounded like an animal dying in a slow agonizing death. I try to listen to music but it only either get’s louder or the music wont work anymore and I’d just have to sit through the crying for the night. The bags under my eyes have gotten deeper because of my lack of sleep. I have tried talking to my mom about it but she just brushes me off and tells me I’m going to be late for school.
“Mom?” I called her as she was cooking, “I think there’s a monster in my head.” She stopped what she was doing but didn’t face me, “And it’s getting louder.” I was almost beginning to cry.
“You’re going to be late for school honey, go get ready.” She continued to do her cooking.
“But mom-“ She cut me off and yelled at me to go get ready.
“There’s no monster! Stop making things up.” I flinched, she has never treated me like this. Why was she suddenly acting like this? I didn’t want to go to my dad, he was always locked up in his room, and I rarely ever saw him unless he came out to eat, so talking to him wouldn’t help. I did go to school, but I was often alone and people wouldn’t go near me or even approach me. I was too weird to even get bullied. But it was always this sad monster that would often repeat itself, about me ending my life or disappearing. It came night, and I was in bed after dinner and I realized, it was finally quiet, there was no crying, no whispering.
I wanted to cry but I just wanted to sleep at the same time but things slowly started to take a turn. I thought I was just starting to fall asleep when I saw something enter my room from the corner of my eye. I couldn’t move or speak but it crept it’s way to the corner of my bed and just stared at me with empty sockets, and it looked as pale as a sheet, but a tinted blue. It looked like my mother, it’s fingers curled on my sheets as it just stared at me. And then it began to cry again, that same dying animal cry. Tears rolled down my face, I was terrified, why was I able to see this monstrosity? Why did it take the form of my mother? What the hell did this thing want? I wanted to scream for help but I couldn’t.
I was so scared, I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak or say anything. Why was it so distorted? It started to grow, or was it standing? It’s jaw hung broken and loosely, and it’s lips were black, this thing was much taller than my mother, it bent it’s neck sideways in order to fit in my room, since it was too tall. My eyes grew wide with fear as it began to lean in my face and cry louder, I begged in my head for this to be over, for me to be left alone, but it only just kept crying, taunting me and making more efforts to scare me. Finally after what felt like hours it slowly began to crouch back to where it’s original position was and continued to cry quietly. I was finally able to breathe and I got up so fast to turn on my light, only for it to disappear. I ended up falling asleep with my light on instead.
I tried bringing it up to my mom again, the conversation went about the same way as usual.
“Mom?” I called her as she was cooking, “I saw the monster in my head.” She stopped what she was doing but didn’t face me, “It got closer this time.” I was almost beginning to cry.
“You’re going to be late for school honey, go get ready.” She continued to do her cooking. We ignored each other after that and I looked at the room of my parents. I was more tempted than ever to reach out to my father and ask him for his help, but I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. I think my dad see’s the same thing as me, or maybe he has a monster of his head too and mom ignores it. I don’t know why she doesn’t help us or makes an effort to reach out. Dad is always locked up in his room and every time the door opens, it’s always dark so I never see anything. I don’t know why but my body just began to work on it’s own, knocking quietly on my dads door. I stood there frozen at my own actions but, I heard his footsteps, and he quietly opened the door. I couldn’t see his face since it was hidden in the dark room but he spoke.
“Yes dear?”
“Dad.” said quietly, “There’s a monster in my head, and I saw it last night. Can you help me?” He stood there unmoving, “It came so close to my face, I don’t know what to do dad.”
“I see it too, and I hear it whisper terrible, terrible things.” He whispered, “ It’s on my shoulder, I only know one way to get rid of it but I don’t want to.” I knew exactly what he meant, It was telling him to end his life. He was fighting it but I can tell it was slowly winning. My dad began to close the door, leaving me alone with the whispering monster in the back of my head, and I had just stood there, dumbfounded and wanting to cry, no one can help me, not even my own parents and no one would ever help me. I had to deal with this thing alone and what’s worse is that I know I might end up just like my father is now.
Does anyone know what to do?