I want to preface this by saying that I love my mother deeply.
It cannot have been easy to be a black single mother, but she’s always tried her best to give me a comfortable life. She provided for me to the best of her abilities and shielded me from the worst aspects of poverty, while making sure I still knew what was going on.
When I came out to her she was nothing but supportive. She seamlessly went from calling me her “baby girl” to “her baby boy”, she helped me pick up clothes that fitted me, chose a new name for me at my request, and she even paid what she could for my top surgery.
I know how lucky I am to have such a supportive mom. Not all of my queer friends have that chance and we’ve housed a couple of them on occasion…
That being said, I now realize that my mother is also a woman who loves her secrets.
I’ve started HRT 5 months ago. This is my journal. If anyone has had any of the following side effects from testosterone please. Please. Reach out. We really need to talk.
April 2nd. Day 2 on T
It felt weird to start on April first, so here we are. The first shot yesterday was scary. I’m glad mom helped me through it, but I have to learn to do it alone.
I’m still scared of having messed it up somehow. But it’s been hours now and I feel fine.
April 7th. Day 7 on T.
I’ve never looked at myself in the mirror as much as I do now.
It’s exhilarating, looking at my reflection and hunt for the slightest change. Was that hair here yesterday? Has my body fat changed place already? Is my voice lower or is it just in my head?
I already look pretty masculine mind you, mom cut my hair better than any barber, and now that I’ve yote my tits, my chest is as flat as it’s ever going to be.
But still, I want to grow a cool beard or have a squarer jawline.
My friends keep telling me I should lower my expectations, that T isn’t going to turn me into René Jean-Page… Well I’m sorry for you and your poor genetic material, but my dad was a hunk ; so if I end up looking anything like him they might as well call me for the next season of Bridgerton right now!
(I’m kidding guys, I love you, please don’t kill me in my sleep if you ever read this…)
April 18th Day 18 on T
Wow, bottom growth is no joke!
April 29 Day 29 on T
Hair!
Hair!
On my belly? What the fuck?
May 10th Day 39 on T
Acne? Really?
Once of that shit wasn’t enough? Man this second puberty sucks!
July: 2nd Day 63 on T
I take back everything I’ve said, second puberty is fucking awesome!
I’ve been hitting the gym since I was a teen and I’ve never *ever* seen gains like that! My muscles are inflating like balloons after the slightest bit of exercise it’s *insane*!
Also, my shoulders are so much broader now?! Like, holy hell, call me freaking Michael Phelps!
I may or may not have taken and sent a few dozen thirst traps to my group of friends… But honestly, I’m not going to have a body like that and not take pictures of it. Acne be damned!
I mean, it’s not like anyone’s gonna look at my face when I carry *these guns*!
And Lo, the NB cutie from our queer GC, loves the pictures, so you can bet it’s only the beginning of my reign of terror!
July 4th, Day 65 on T.
I’m having some killer headaches lately.
Nothing to do with my T as the internet, my friends and my doctor assured me. I might need to watch out for iron deficiency though…
July 7th, Day 68 on T
So… My wisdom teeth just grew through. Which is weird, ‘cause I had them removed in my senior year of high school.
I’ve looked it up and apparently it’s a thing that can happen. It’s not the original wisdom teeth growing but another set called “supernumerary teeth”. It’s rare, but not completely unheard of.
At least that explains the headaches.
July 14th, Day 75 on T.
My pitch dropped!!
It was so sudden but now I sound so se~xy!
I went to Mac Donald’s the other day and everyone called me sir! Even after I’d ordered! My gender euphoria is through the roof!
Unfortunately so are my headaches. Or I guess “jaw ache” is more appropriate? My surprise teeth mustn’t be done growing through ’cause my jaws feel super uncomfortable. Sometimes the pain flairs suddenly and nothing but yawning can make it go away. I’m always snacking or chewing gum, as working my jaws seems to be the only thing that alleviates the pain. I feel like a teething baby all over again. But when I look at my teeth or jaws in the mirror, nothing seems out of place.
I haven’t told mom about any of this yet. Dental is expensive and it’s probably going to go away when the teeth are done growing, right?
July 15th Day 76 on T:
I think I’ve gotten taller.
Mom thinks she’s just shrinking faster than she thought, but I know it’s not that. The other day when I grabbed the flour from the top shelf, I felt the difference. I’ve always *always* had to stand on my toes to reach that last shelf before. But not this time.
That cannot be the result of T. Every single trans person and health professional will tell you the same thing: Testosterone does not influence bone growth after puberty. And I’m well past that.
But my transmasc buddies are also saying they’ve been standing straighter since they’ve transitioned, and that they felt those few inches difference…
I sure hope it’s that. ‘Cause between the headaches and the rash that just appeared on my belly, there is only so much I can deal with.
August 1st, Day 92 on T:
Fucking rash!
That sucks way way more than the acne. I can’t even find clear info about it online. Some people say it might come from HRT, others just from stress.
I tried booking an appointment with a trans friendly dermatologist, but he is booked ‘til October! I’ll have flayed myself alive by then I’m so fucking itchy!
I’ve tried some over the counter creams and they work enough for me not to consider going to a random doctor… Yet. If this goes on I might have no choice, transphobic pieces of shit be damned. Maybe Lo will accompany me if I ask them?
If I only had to show my belly it might not be a problem (since I’m so swole now) but the rash is drawing weird lines across my torso, and some of them follow my top surgery scars perfectly. I feel like they’ve gotten thicker, more visible and kinda… Wet?
It’s not all bad though ‘cause I finally have facial hair!
That took long enough.
And ok my mom burst into laughter when she saw the beginning of my patchy beard, but just you wait mother! With the help of a few shaves and a lot care, these barren wastelands shall soon become a lush forest! Or so I hope, I should probably look up beard products.
August 12th
At least my jaw doesn’t hurt anymore.
I’m just going to write what happened.
I was watching the most boring series ever on Netflix while waiting for mom to come home from her shift.
I yawned.
And my jaw unhinged like a snake’s.
It was unlike anything I had ever felt. Not only did my lower jaw entirely separated from my upper jaw, but I clearly felt a second set of bones unfold.
I stood there, shaken, for a few seconds. Then I ran to the closest mirror and yawned again.
Only to see the lower half of my face split open into a monstrous jaw. The kind of shit you see on documentaries about the creatures of the deep.
I apparently have a whole new articulation in my fucking mouth and it comes with a brand new set of teeth.
What the fuck is happening to me?
What the fuck is happening and how do I make it stop?!
August 15th
I haven’t left my room in three days.
Told mom I got COVID so that she wouldn’t come in except to give me food.
I don’t know what to do.
When I’m not yawning my face looks normal, and my beard’s even getting fuller, but I just…
I’ve grown almost a full foot in the span of a month. Fat repartition? More like fat disappearance! I’m all muscles and skin now, I look like I’m on steroids, this cannot be normal!
I’m not even eating, just the smell of food makes me sick. But I can hear my guts make weird noises, and I have a strange feeling in my belly like… Like something’s moving.
And then there is the rash… It’s gotten worse. Now my scars are dribbling some weird sticky fluid, along with most of the lines on my belly. I want to scratch them so bad but the idea of touching them makes me sick.
What is happening to me?
Am I dying?
Mom I’m sorry.
August 16th
I was in the bathroom when it happened.
I had just gotten around taking a shower. I was feeling better: The rash had lessened, I was feeling hungry again and as long as I didn’t think too much about my jaw it wasn’t that bad.
I was looking at my body, my tall muscular body, with large shoulders and hair in expected and less expected places. I was feeling good about myself, about how much I looked like the man I’d always wanted to be seen as… So I smiled.
And by some horrifying muscular chain reaction, that unhinged both of my jaws.
Yes. Both. The foldable top one, with articulated additions and two dozens more teeth that it should have had… And the bottom one I didn’t even know existed until that point.
My torso unfolded like a deep sea creature, toothy appendages linked by gossamer thin skin opened wide, reaching for the world outside in a tentacular embrace.
I thought for a second my innards would splash on the ground in a writhing mess now that they weren’t being held by my skin anymore… But instead realized I had no more innards to speak of.
My insides were unrecognizable, looking nothing like a human digestive system. Staring at them for too long made me want to vomit from the sheer impossibility of what was going on.
It was like the drop of a roller coaster… Except it wasn’t stopping.
So I fell to the floor, and I screamed.
I cried, not knowing what to do with that monstrous body, torn between euphoria and horror as its massive muscles rolled under deep brown skin and its incomprehensible double maw moved in a way that added a wobbly quality to my cries of despair.
Mom barrelled into the bathroom, eyes wide in fear. I had forgotten she was here today, looking after me as she’d always done.
She froze for a second, seeing me on the ground… Then slowly bent down, gathering my hulking shape in a tight embrace. Her arms looked so small to me now.
“My baby boy….” she softly whispered while cradling and rocking me, “It’s alright. It’s all going to be fine.”
“I’m turning into a monster!” I sobbed.
“No you’re not sweetheart. You’re just starting to look a lot more like your dad.”