Ellie’s blowing hot and cold.
One minute, it seems, she’s desperate for me to go down to that Godforsaken, out-of-the-world place that nobody has heard of, just to visit her, the next it’s like she’s trying to fend off a vampire with a crucifix. Well, OK, maybe that’s putting it a bit strongly. I’m just little old me, Sarah, a childhood friend, and we haven’t actually seen each other for ten years, or something. But we hung around back in the day (really going back, I mean) and in recent years we’ve taken up the old thread again, by way of good old modern technology.
So why is she acting like this? Does she want me to visit her, or not?
She was full of enthusiasm at first. Two months ago, when she first made the suggestion. She wanted me to go racing down there pretty much on a whim. Like I hadn’t a dead-end job to take care of, and a barely-there boyfriend to pay lip-service to. (Holy shit, that sounds dodgy. But you know what I mean - I hope.)
I pointed out as tactfully as possible that I couldn’t just drop everything like that, even to re-unite with a childhood bestie. We were on the phone, by the way. I mean, actually speaking, although it’s hardly the done thing anymore, is it? But after such a lengthy lapse of time we both felt it was worth the effort. It had been good to hear her voice again, although I did feel a little undercurrent of unease from the first - why I couldn’t tell.
‘Don’t be such a stickler for routine,’ she had said. ‘You ought to take a risk now and then.’
‘Yeah, well, right now’s not the best time, really,’ I informed her.
‘You always were a stickler for routine, Sarah,’ she went on, as if she hadn’t heard me.
Well even if I was, it was hardly a heinous crime was it? I was about to point this out, but she ploughed on. ‘I really need someone just now, you know.’ Now her tone was wheedling, pleading. ‘Please, just - for old times’ sake.’
The feeling of disquiet increased.
‘Anything the matter, Ellie?’
A long silence. Then she heaved a sigh and said, ‘No - of course not. Just - life, you know?’
It seemed she hadn’t anyone else around. And she seemed to be at a loose end as regards work, too, at least, when I’d enquired on that front, she’d merely hemmed and hawed and not given any straight answer.
Maybe she really did need me, and it was up to me to make the effort, with a little juggling of commitments here and there.
So, a couple days later, I texted her.
I can get some extra time off around the middle of next month :). maybe I could come then, would be great to see you!
She rang back just minutes later.
‘Sarah?’
I was quite startled by the voice. It sounded harsh, forbidding, but it was her number. ‘Ellie?’ I asked in disbelief.
‘Why?’ she hissed. It did sound more like her now, but the hostility staggered me. ‘Why did you say that?’
‘Say what?’
‘That it’d be great to see me again?’
I felt totally bewildered. ‘Just that I - well, you know, just what I said, that I can get some time off next month and I’ll come down and see you -‘
‘Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare do such a thing!’ And then, as before, her tone changed suddenly, becoming almost desperate. ‘Please. Please don’t!’
I was getting seriously alarmed by now. ‘But you just said last time, how you really wanted me to come down -‘
‘Well, I don’t, ok? I mean, it’s not fair for me just to go upsetting your routine like that - please, forget what I said. It was stupid. After ten years, what’s the point, anyway?’
With that she rang off, leaving me standing and gawping at the phone in my hand. She refused to answer when I tried calling and texting her back.
Next day, though, she texted an an abject apology.
Sarah, I’m so, so, sorry. Please forgive me. I’m just going through some stuff right now.
No shit.
My phone buzzed again. I had a feeling what the message was, and my reluctant glance at the screen confirmed it.
I’d love to see you, honestly. Please come down and visit. You’re such a good friend, you always were.
And then she phoned me up as well, and was even more ingratiating. But I didn’t commit myself straightaway.
‘Hey. Ellie,’ I said suddenly.
‘What?’
‘How about we do a video call?’
She didn’t seem to understand.
‘What?’
‘A videochat,’ I said, as if it made any difference. ‘I mean, it just suddenly struck me that we haven’t done anything like that since getting back in touch. I mean, not even exchanged photos or anything.’ I’ve never been one for selfies or holiday pics or crap like that - I know, that makes me an alien, or something - and she hadn’t sent a single pic or anything either. We literally didn’t know what the other one looked like, after all this time. I went on feigning cheerfulness. ‘I mean, we probably won’t even recognize each other now -‘
‘No,’ she said distantly. ‘I mean - not right now.’
‘Oh, ok. Maybe soon, though?’
She neither assented nor objected.
Well, anyway, we ended that call with the more or less tacit understanding that my visit was still on. We’d make solid arrangements nearer the time.
And when it came the time to make those arrangements, she blew me off once again. She texted to say she was ill. She felt terrible. Shitty timing, too, as she acknowledged, she’d always had the worst sense of timing, and she would have to put me off once again. But we could re-arrange as soon as she felt better. She’d let me know.
I hardly knew how to reply this time.
That was a week ago.
I suppose maybe I should really text and see how she’s doing, but truth is I’m wanting to keep some distance between us at the moment. She’s just been acting so - strange. What really is going on with her?
And I feel I can’t just abandon her, either. Maybe she is really struggling, maybe she does really need help ….
For the first time I start to wonder if there isn’t something actually more - sinister - going on.
I think back to where it all started. Getting back in touch, I mean. It certainly hadn’t seemed strange at the time. Her name and contact had showed up as part of a friendship group on WhatsApp, harking back pretty much to primary school days. And then she had started messaging me, individually …..
Hell, what’s so special about me?
Well, nothing, surely? I’m just part of the friendship group, right? We’d just been taking part in group conversations at first, bringing up old memories, exchanging news ….
Wait - she had actually taken part in those, hadn’t she? The group conversations?
Damn, I’ve deleted most of that shit, the initial excitement at re-connecting with some precious, never-to-be-repeated days of old having died down soon enough. But one or two of them, like Ellie, had started messaging me individually, like I said. And only Ellie had showed an interest in actually meeting up with me in person ….
I get my phone and uneasily start scrolling through the details of the friendship group. The contacts - that particular, ‘quiet’ bunch at school. Andy Halliwell, Kate Lyons, David Crewe, Janette Scales, and …. Wait …. that’s it. No Ellie.
But that had been the group she was with, right? I could’ve sworn it.
Her name and contact details are still on my phone, though. Ellie Smith. Yea, that last name is all too common. Should’ve warned me, I guess. But that had been her name, in the past. That’s what I remember….
I remember her all too clearly, in my mind’s eye too. Small, blonde, unassuming, eager to please. I remember her in some of my classes, running into her in the park and at parties, the usual kids stuff. I remembered us having fun together. And in the past few months, we’d been reminiscing about the old days, I mean, remembering specific events and escapades and other classmates and teachers.
Or are these just false memories, or something? What the hell is really going on??
I think feverishly for a moment.
The address. She had mentioned her address to me over the phone, not the full details, of course I had meant to get those when actually booking my train.
I frown, trying to remember what she’d told me. What had it been? Netherton - yes, that was it, Netherton Lane? Coldscroft. Something like that? That was partly the address, at least.
My hands tremble slightly as I make a search for it online, what I remember. I’m fully expecting it to not check out, of course. But to my immense surprise it does. At least, it does appear in search results - although with no further details.
I don’t know whether I’m encouraged or dismayed by this. I go on, looking up trains between that place and my own town.
I click ‘Add return journey.’
And my heart skips a couple of beats when I read what flashes up on the screen.
Return Journey not possible from this location.