Don’t ever lie to an overthinker, it never ends well. Overthinkers are trained to look for holes in every story. If something doesn’t make sens, they will think about it over, and over… and over, until it does.
One day, as we were walking back from dinner at a friend’s house, my husband leaned in at the threshold and whispered to me:
“If I ever think about killing you, I’ll do it while you’re sleeping,” he smiled and stared at me. In response to what he had just said, I was at a loss for words. Should I be worried? Should I laugh? He didn’t say anything else and simply entered the house. I lingered at the threshold a little longer, gaping at him.
Of course, I overthought what he said, as every overthinker does.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I was still wondering at what he said to me. What made him say that ? He never jokes like that, ever. Was it something related to a past event ? Did I do something wrong to him ? I was exhausted, but I pretended to sleep until I heard my husband snoring. I relaxed a bit but couldn’t sleep. Dark thoughts were spinning and the most horrific scenarios were playing in my head. I kept my eyes open until the morning when I heard him waking up. He usually wakes one hour before me so I had to pretend to be still asleep until I heard him close the frontdoor.
I began having difficulty sleeping since that night. And I couldn’t just go to sleep on the couch. He would suspect something or do something to me while I was sleeping there. So every night I would pretend to be asleep in our bed. The moment he start to snore I’d open my eyes and stay awake all night until I heard him wake up in the morning.
But the things started to get more and more suspicious. Every now and then, I’d catch my husband looking at me and smiling. When I ask him why he was smiling, he would just shrug and say, “nothing, just smiling.” I couldn’t even confront him or confess my thoughts.
I was so distracted at work because of my lack of sleep and constant overthinking. Sometimes I would fell asleep on my desk until one of my workers wake me up. My boss finally had to have a conversation with me. I couldn’t tell him what was going on. He would thing I am crazy. So I lied. I told him that I was just having trouble to sleep and that it would be over soon. The truth is I was terrifyed to go home.
One day, I noticed my husband pulling kitchen knives from the drawer and inspecting each one, as if to ensure their sharpness. My level of anxiety had skyrocketed at that point. Now I was scared for my life. I was certain he meant what he said to me that night on the treshold. My thoughts were racing by night. I decided to hide a kitchen knife under my pillow. I pretended to be asleep, as I had done for the previous days. I was lying on my left side, facing the wall, with my left hand clutching the knife under my pillow.
When he began to snore, I opened my eyes and waited.
And then I waited.
And waited.
The snores then stopped. When I noticed my husband moving, I took a deep breath. Then he whispered in my ear “Are you awake?”. I froze. My breath was shallow, but my heart was racing. I didn’t want him to notice that I was awake. Waiting, I tightened my grip on the kitchen knife under my pillow. But nothing happened. He sat back down on his side of the bed. I took a deep breath and sucked it down my dry throat. I was sweating and on the verge of a heart attack by the time he started snoring. I stayed there, counting down the hours until morning. I jumped out of bed when I heard my husband’s car start driving away. I went to work as usual, but my mind was scattered. What should I do now? At 12 p.m., my phone rang. It was him! I hesitated a moment. Why is he calling me?
“Hey honey, when are you coming home?” he inquired.
Silence.
“Hello? Honey? Did you hear what I said? “
“I did. I’ll be home by 4 p.m. Why do you asking?”
“I can’t tell you. You’ll know when you get there. Bye.”
He then hung up.
I stood there for nearly 5 minutes, barely breathing, imagining the worst-case scenarios.
I left for lunch at 12:30 p.m.
That day, I did not return to my office.
I never returned home either.
The sound of the moving train was loud, but I didn’t mind. Its constant back-and-forth pulling was actually soothing. It would be a long travel. I closed my eyes, leaned back, and finally… I dozed off.