The mail boxes in my apartment lobby are always full of shit. Crammed with junk determined at destroying the world’s forests one flyer at a time. “Direct Marketing” they call it. I direct this marketing directly to the bin.
Admittedly I keep the subway and dominos coupons, staples of my lazy student diet. This time (one week today) I paused, retrieving a yellowed flyer from the bin I had just tossed it in. I remember thinking; it seemed dated, as if from an older generation, cheap paper and no consideration for graphic design. It was advertising FREE EYE EXAMS.
The next morning I found myself standing outside the optometrist just a couple blocks away. I wear contacts and thought it worth getting checked to see if my eyes had gotten worse.
Despite a slightly run down building the doctor seemed pleasant enough and confirmed my current prescription was fine. At least that’s what I thought she said. She spoke so quietly it was hard to hear her. She kept having to repeat herself and I often just smiled and nodded, pretending to understand.
Maybe that’s why I then agreed to a free hearing test in the office upstairs. The otolaryngologist’s (yes I checked, it’s what they’re called) office was a separate business above, so I exited the eye place and entered the door to the ear place and went upstairs.
There were almost a dozen patients in the drab, neon-lit waiting room. No windows, no fish tank. The receptionist looked like she bounced clubs in the evenings, or at least was on some heavy whey powder. I told her I was sent from the optometrist downstairs for a free hearing test. She asked me to take a seat and pencil in a few details.
As I sat down I noticed a girl there from one of my uni classes. I hadn’t seen her in class in weeks, and trust me I always looked for her… as she’s pretty damn cute. Just as I’m debating approaching her the doc comes in and calls my name. How did they even get my name? From the ear place downstairs?
I left the form with the receptionist and followed the doctor down the hall. He was tall, dark hair but seriously balding. His nose looked like it once fought a brick. Without small talk he shut me in a little sound proof booth with headphones on a little hook. Why did I volunteer for this? My hearing is fine. My claustrophobia however is not. If I scream now will anyone hear me.
The doc directs me from outside the booth over a microphone. I pressed a button every time I heard a tone. Until I couldn’t hear anything at all.
Finally the doctor let me out of the tiny foam prison.He told me my right ear was fine. The left is lagging a little on the higher range and asked if he could ‘take a peek?’. (Is your name Lynn? I joked to myself). I must have hesitated to respond. ‘Don’t worry we won’t charge you for this, it’s all free.’
After staring longingly into my ear through some sort of mirrored light thingy, the doctor confirms an excess wax buildup. I withheld that I don’t use Q-tips, as I’m familiar with the dentist’s dismay to my lack of flossing. ‘If you just hold still a minute I’ll get that right out for you’ he said. Without waiting for consent he poked a cold metal tool inside my ear. I yelled out, a little louder then intended, he scratched the inside of my fucking ear. ’All done, just a little wax.’ He stood and led me to the door. ‘You should be hearing in stereo now’ he told me with a greasy smile.
I forgot to thank him, and headed back through the waiting room. The cute girl was still there and I soon forgot all about my sore ear. I used the water dispenser in order to stare at her a little longer. Her eyes flicked up towards me, I quickly averted them towards my overflowing paper cup. Yes I have no spine…
‘All done?’ said the receptionist. She gave me a little flyer, just like the one in the mail. It read “50% off for new patients”. ‘Any more problems feel free to return.’ She said.
I scrunched the flyer into a ball in my pocket as I exited onto the street. Partly because I didn’t want to go back there ever again, but mostly because I was cross at myself for not talking to the girl.
This story should have ended there. But no. Two days later, while at my desk, in my tiny studio apartment I heard a scratching.
Very faint at first. But it was enough to distract me from my studying and search all the baseboards on my hands and knees for a mouse hole. I soon gave this up and turned some music on instead to block out the noise.
That night in bed I heard it again. I can only describe it like the sound of Parmesan on a cheese grater. It wasn’t until I covered my ears that I really panicked. The scratching got louder. Was the noise coming from inside?? I hardly slept that night. Googling from my phone in the dark, trying to find other cases of internal scratching noises.
In the morning I thought the problem had gone away on its own. I went to class. We had a quiz at the end of the lesson. When the class was silent I heard it again. I remember asking the guy beside me if he heard something too, he looked at me like I was high.
I handed in my quiz, half-finished, and hurried back to the ear doctor. Still scrunched in my jean pocket was the flyer. I spread the wrinkled paper out on the reception desk and told her I need to see the doc right away.
As I waited I saw that the girl from uni was there again! I hoped that she was ok and not going deaf or something. I promised myself to talk to her this time, as lightning rarely strikes twice.
The doc came for me again before I had the chance. It was the same guy, despite me really hoping for someone else. They probably only have one guy in this run down clinic.
In his office I told him about the scratching. He definitely looked at me with some skepticism, especially after I asked him if this could have been caused by him scratching my ear the other day (which he denied).
I didn’t realize I was in for much worse. After examining me with his flashy telescope thingy again he asked me to lie down on my right side as he picked up his office phone and spoke to someone. He then prepared, what looked from my prone position, to be a massive needle! It stank of some sort of strong disinfectant. The receptionist entered and sat her hefty weight on a stool next to my head.
The doctor told me there would be a very slight prick and before I could ask why the receptionist was holding down my head while this evil doc poked that massive needle deep into my left ear. I screamed in pain which only made the receptionist push on my head harder.
There was a hissing deep inside my ear like snakes fucking and then the doctor withdrew the needle, letting pus and blood flow out onto a wating rag.
I was in shock and he told me I could go.
The receptionist walked me out as I held the damp cloth to my ear. She said she would prepare the bill.
Despite the shock and pain, maybe due to the adrenaline, I sat down right bedside the girl from class and asked her to get a drink with me that night. She agreed and gave me her number, despite the receptionist glaring at us, as if it was a sin to flirt in her precious waiting room. I then paid on my credit card and grabbed a lollipop from the bowl for the walk home.
We met that night at a local student bar. We sat outside where it was quiet and she could smoke. I asked her (her name was Serena btw) why she hadn’t been in class lately. It looked as if she didn’t want to talk about it but she admitted she had trouble focusing at the moment.
I didn’t want to pry but asked what she’d been up to in the meantime. She said she had just been ‘chilling at the ear doctor’s’. I laughed thinking this was a joke but she didn’t smile. ‘That’s a little weird don’t you think?’ I blurted out. She agreed but said it was quiet in there… I left it at that, I didn’t tell her about my own ear problem, she seemed distracted and run-down so I paid for our drinks and we went our separate ways.
It was still early so I decided to get some of my course readings done. As I sat down to focus the scratching returned. It was a bit different this time. Softer, more muffled, almost as if it was coming from deeper. I turned the TV on to drown it out. The soothing voice of David Attenborough narrating a nature doc.
As an Attenborough fan I had seen this one before. It was about an insect that lays its larvae onto a host. When the larvae hatches it tunnels into its brain and gains control of the host. I was ignoring my reading, captivated by the program. And then it struck me. I grabbed hold of my ear. No! It couldn’t be… I rushed out of my apartment, calling Serena on the phone as I went.
We met again outside the same bar but it was now closed. I was sweating as I had ran all the way there. She had the same withdrawn look but was curious as to why I called her back. ‘Did the doctor scratch your ear?’ I asked her, she said she didn’t remember. ‘When did you first visit him?’ She couldn’t remember that either. She said she goes there every day… ‘to pay, like everyone else there’.
At that point I was already ordering an Uber. When it arrived I dragged Serena with me. We arrived at the hospital emergency room about two hours ago. I’ve been typing this so that I can remember. I don’t want to forget it all like her.