People like me don’t have the luxury of being able to rest. Millions of fantasies race through my mind every second. At first I thought it was a good way to escape my reality… I don’t know what to think anymore. Maybe I’m cursed?
What I do know is now that I moved into my new apartment, I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been. No amount of liquor can change that. Don’t get me started on drugs. Like everything else, they only work momentarily. After the effects wear off, I’m left feeling even worse than before.
Sometimes I just want to pull the plug on my mind for a while. Not that I’m suicidal or anything, it’s just always busy up there. I’ve reflected on every single memory millions of times. It doesn’t even feel a part of me anymore. There’s another entity living up there rent free.
You know how fucking annoying it is to have someone put you down for every little thing you do? I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs and yank out my brain out of my head for one–
“–second! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Shut up, shut up!” I banged my head through the drywall. Through the drywall? …What?
I looked around my bathroom. A shattered mirror reflected my face into hundreds of little jigsaw pieces. Though the fragments were puzzled up, I could see blood trickling down my thick eyebrows and onto the…
…floor. Bloody footprints looped around in a circle. An empty liquor bottle sat next to the shards of another. Three little clear baggies rested on the debris. How long was I doing this?
A giggle echoed throughout the bathroom. I could’ve sworn I saw cartoonish sound waves bounce off the wall and into my ear. I’m tripping. The source of the sound came from behind my fluttering shower curtains.
It looked as if some sort of shadow puppet was dancing behind it. Part of me felt the urge to sit down and enjoy the show.
The silhouette resembled someone I knew. Penelope? Curly hair cascaded down the figure’s back. An hourglass figure danced around in the ways she used to. Hands up to the popcorn ceiling without a care in the world.
“Penelope?” I murmured, “What are you doing here?”
She responded by continuing to dance. Classic Penelope.
“I missed you so, so much,” I said. “Hey, you know I’ve been up to a lot while we were apart.”
Her figure paused, turning to face me… I think?
“I know you never listened when I opened up to you, but you’ve gotta hear this.” I sat down, crisscrossed with my back leaning against the wall. “I got my own apartment! Well, I guess you already knew that since you’re my first guest–nevermind that. I… I stood up to my asshole boss! You always told me to be more direct with what I wanted. I did, and it felt great.” My voice trembled. “Enough about me. How are you?”
Her figure shrunk to my level. The wavering silhouette felt mesmerizing. It gave me the sense she wanted to hear more.
“Oh, I’ll continue then. Hmm… Well, I’m able to sleep again. Still can’t relax, though. I feel like ever since you left, you took that with you.” I puckered my lips to the side. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re back, but why’d you leave in the first place?”
Wind whistled through the window. The polka dotted curtains fluttered gently. I brushed my messy curls aside and stood up.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry for even asking. What was I thinking?” I let out an awkward chuckle.
The fact that she hasn’t said anything is starting to get under my skin.
“You know what? I do want you to answer that. You’ve been gone for so long and now, of all times, you decide to show up? What, you wanna make a fool out of me again? You won, it’s working.”
Penelope stood up and crossed her arms.
“Okay, fine. Congratulations, I’m a fool. Come on, get out of there. I’ll set up a table for us in the kitchen.”
I walked towards the door, brushing aside the shards. She didn’t follow.
“Penelope, for god’s sake, please. What do you want me to say? You want me to apologize? I’m sorry.”
The fluorescent lights flickered and their buzzing grew as loud as a boiling teapot. A chill shot up my spine as a stronger breeze crept in.
“Shit, shit! Okay! I’m sorry that I stopped visiting you! Happy? Part of me wanted to move on because my mind wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone. And yes, I’m making this about me even though you never cared about my fucking feelings. Not even for a second. You just left and couldn’t even pretend you cared because, oh, no your fragile ego will be hurt. Fuck!” I picked up the remaining bottle and smashed it on the ground. “Fuck! Is this how you want to see me? Huh? Of course it is. All you ever did was bring out the worst in me. You got joy out of that, didn’t ya? Fuck you! Guess what? You want to know what I get joy out of? Imagining realities where we never met!”
As those words escaped my lips, a feeling of regret washed over me like a tsunami.
“…No, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean that. You know that, right?”
Penelope’s figure shook her head. The light flickered off. I inched closer to the shower with my arms extended. As soon as I felt the polyester textured curtain. I yanked it off the hooks.
Lights gently flickered on. Wind howled.
There was nothing but an ice cold feeling behind the red stained curtain. A smell of decay penetrated my nostrils. Tears dripped down my cheeks, mixing with the pool of viscous, red liquid. It hit me harder than a hammer…
…The empty bottles served a purpose.