CHAPTER I
I don’t know where to begin.
Scientists say the more things we know, the more things we discover about which we have not a clue. We don’t know if the universe is infinite or if it has existed for eternity. Of course we have our theories, but good luck proving them right.
Well, I have a theory. It sucks.
If I went to a doctor I would get diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia or something, but this is much more than that.
In every movie that I’ve seen with the protagonist discovering a secret fantasy land or some sort of mystical bullshit and everyone thinks that they are going crazy, I did that too. I don’t like the idea that one crazy person is right about the most idiotic ever like ghosts or whatever and the whole wide world is in denial about it. Obviously, the guy is hallucinating and logic still exists. But what even is logic? What do we base logic on? What do we know to be true? You would say, well, 2+2=4 and that is certain. And I have absolutely no problem with that. I think so too. Math works and I have no problem with that. A whole encompasses its pieces and bla bla bla. What I mean by logic is…
Look, all I wanted to say was, at one point you have to accept something as it is, even in science. We can’t figure out everything. At one point all theories are equally unlikely and equally unprovable. There is always one thing you have to accept by heart, which constitutes a belief. Scientifically, it is not that unlikely that we are living in a simulation, which would put us a long way back from discovering the one truth. We can’t explore what lies beyond the simulation, all we have known to be true is contained in our little fish tank of a universe. While there is a whole another universe outside that fish tank.
Let me just get to my story.
It was the 10th of May. The best time of the year. We had a nice day in the woods. I saw my first bee ever. I know what you’re going to say, but those aren’t bees, those are wasps. Bees have furry fat butts. And yes, I had never seen one of those before so it was cool. We also found a cat. She was orange-greyish and had soft-looking fur. Then we looked up and saw the missing cat sign with a picture of the same cat. It was so beautiful that for a moment I couldn’t believe it was real. What a heartwarming way to end the day. We would call the owners, they would show up in half an hour while we played with the cat in the meantime, they would offer us money but we would refuse and just tell them we were already awarded with the pleasure, tell them about how beautiful it was when we found their cat, try not to make it too obvious that we’re drunk. Turns out it wasn’t someone’s lost cat, it was just a stray that was being collected to be sent to the shelter. We didn’t bother after that and just set her free. The magic was lost. It didn’t ruin my day or anything, but it wasn’t nice.
That was my life, in general. Once in a while, it seemed like something nice would happen but then it didn’t. I am not exaggerating, I can’t remember a single nice thing that happened to me. Some people are like that. They are born, and then they starve to death for instance. In my case, there wasn’t anything specific that was wrong with my life, it just generally sucked. Nothing even interesting happened to me. It always happened elsewhere. Well, except for one thing. Old guys on a bicycle always talked to me. Whenever I saw them on the street they just talked with me as if in the middle of a conversation. I noticed after about three. This has never not happened and I saw a lot of dudes. But I didn’t put any meaning behind it, it was just something that happened. How could there lie any conspiracy theory beyond this?
How did I find happiness? I wasn’t religious and didn’t even believe in God. I believed I would die and it would be the end of it. How could I still be happy? I am realizing now that I couldn’t. What I thought of as happiness was much weaker. I tried to enjoy little things, but I can’t say that’s enough.
The way I enjoyed life was, for example, listening to birds sing. Most people say they enjoy birds singing, but I actually spent the effort to go places just to hear birds sing. Most of those people probably don’t even realize this, but they are each singing their own little melody. They are competing with each other very hard as well, and some of them are amazing because of it. And they aren’t doing it for the sake of art. They are doing it to get laid. I don’t think this implicates the existence of a god. It’s completely random. But it’s the most probable among other random situations. Those who reproduce are selected amongst others in evolution. The ladies find nice songs attractive and reproduce with those guys. And the animals don’t even realize they are doing this as they are doing it, it’s completely random. They aren’t selected, there are just more of those guys around. Because even if they die they make more of themselves before that. That’s it. That’s the whole nature. And the whole idea behind it is literally the second law of thermodynamics. If you don’t know what that is look it up, I’m not going to bother explaining it here.
So yeah, I think this doesn’t necessarily implicate an existence of god. You might think science is the way god works, but science is already in the definition, why add another complicated layer? Why not just think that god is nature and nature is science? Isn’t it better to watch nature do its work and be amazed by it, rather than an imaginary creator that you can’t even comprehend?
I tried not to let the feeling of smallness against the whole universe affect me in a bad way. Nothing mattered as much to carry about it. So why not try to focus on the positive? At least something terrible never happened to me either. I mean, why would it? I had 22 years of a perfect record. A couple of heartbreaks, but that only helps you grow up. When you compare that to a man whose two sons are killed by a drunken driver, it’s nothing. There was nothing in my life that couldn’t be fixed with the right mindset. There was nothing in my life that could go wrong, which was the beauty of having a simple life. I looked both ways when I crossed a street, I didn’t stand under trees during a storm, and I was fine. Of course, none of it was enough to keep me from being scared shitless of my death, I was just trying to distract myself. Listen to birds sing, act as if I’m hosting it when I watch a sports game alone, write episodes for the series that I liked. I had a penfriend, which was also me, but one week in the future. It was all I could do. All I had was lemons.
But then something started to happen.
At first it was just a feeling that lasted for a moment, but it soon started to convert to my life. When I went home that day, there was one single moment, after which I was happy forever ever after. It felt like that at the beginning anyways. I will explain it thoroughly later, but for now, I can say it was everything that was missing from my life. It filled all my voids. A single moment was all it took. This seems like not a big deal, but it is. When you can be happy for no reason, you can always be happy. I realized that up until that point I was only happy when something nice happened, which never did. It was a revelation. Being able to alter your state of mind changes your perception of yourself. It is like finally crossing the bridge between your thoughts and your brain. You don’t get mad at yourself because you can’t control your emotions, when you can control your emotions. It is like a car finally starting after fiddling with the key for 22 years.
The next day I walked around the city the whole day just to look at, absorb more things. And as if a reply from the universe, I had the best day of my life.
It all started with me realizing that I had taken no money with me and I was hungry. Not that I was upset, I thought I would just walk back home, take my wallet and walk back to the city. I looked at my phone to check the time, and realized that I had accidentally taken a picture. It saw a 200€ bill that I had just walked by unknowingly. All I cared about was the hunger, so I gathered all the homeless people nearby, we cast a vote, and sandwiches it was. We ate together and talked, I tried to explain my current state of mind, but it sounded too douchy so I gave it a rest.
I decided to go to a cinema with the rest of the money, and Whiplash was screening for no reason, my favorite movie.
And also, one little thing, but this was what fascinated me the most. I felt like a backflip, so I did it right on the street. It was my first try ever and I fucking nailed it. I wasn’t even sure why I did a backflip out of nowhere I was just really excited about pulling one off.
I was a little bit creeped out at this point by how smoothly things were going, so I just decided to walk back home. The road pretty soon becomes lonely and quiet, usually one doesn’t walk from the city to my house. But this time there was a girl in front of me. I would normally walk past her not to disturb her, but I was feeling confident, so I said hey. She said hey back. And just like that we started talking.
-Sorry, I just thought, it’s a long road, it would not be so boring if we talked throughout if we are going the same way.
+Sure, where do you live?
-On the street near the train station.
+Oh me too!
-Wow, I had a feeling you did.
+Really?
-Yep.
+Can you also guess my house number then?
-90?
She froze.
-Wait I’m really sorry if I freaked you out I was just guessing, I swear.
+Are you stalking me?
-No, we’re neighbors, I live at 89.
+Wait, are you that kid who threw a beer bottle at our fence?
-That was my friend, but yes, I recognized you too.
+What did you recognize me by?
-Just your voice, I guess. I think I heard you a couple of times through my window. You pass by me every evening.
+Did you guess 89 because you wanted us to be neighbors?
-Well, I had this neighbor that I wanted to meet for quite a while, and I thought it would be nice if you were her.
+Oh, so your wish was granted.
-Well, maybe I’m chosen.
She laughed.
+You just assumed you wanted to meet me from my voice?
-To be honest, it was just too obvious that you were cute, so…
+Is that so?
I laughed.
-Sorry, I actually wasn’t planning on flirting at this point.
+At least you waited until the danger was over.
I was amazed. I didn’t even need this. I was already happy on my own, I didn’t need to meet an amazing girl today to feel better. Did karma exist? What did I do to deserve all this? I wanted to tell everything on my mind to her. And I had a feeling she would be willing to listen to me. Even though we had just met, it felt like we’d known each other our whole lives. Was I actually chosen?
+How come we’ve never met?
-Maybe we were destined to meet this way.
She chuckled.
+Shut up.
-Look, I’m going to be honest, I don’t think it was just luck that we are neighbors.
+Please don’t be one of those astrology types.
I rolled my eyes. She laughed.
-Please take that back.
+Do you believe in signs from the universe?
-I… don’t.
+You sounded pretty hesitant.
-Yeah I know, it’s just that I had a crazy day, and…
+One day made you question your entire belief system?
-Kind of.
+Well, why don’t you tell me about it? Do you want to maybe grab some coffee?
I started laughing.
+What is so funny about that?
-No, nothing. I would really like that. You will understand when I explain everything.
+Oh, great. I’m a bit excited.
-It is really exciting.
+Why don’t you start now?
-So, yesterday…
I talked about my life a little bit. How much it sucked. She seemed to understand. I started way back, and she listened to every word. She had blue eyes and glasses, and when she laughed it made everything glow brighter. She also made little comments at times, and each comment made me realize she was exactly like me. I felt a bit selfish for talking all about myself, but she looked in my eyes the entire time I was talking, which was the best feeling of my life so I just kept on rambling. It was a thirty-minute road. Then I told her the cat story. By the time I was finished we were sitting at a cafe in our street waiting for our coffee.
+Do you have a picture of the cat?
-Yes, I actually have the picture of her standing under the sign.
+Can you show me?
-Sure.
+Oh my god that is the cutest cat I have ever seen in my life.
-Isn’t she? I wish I could take her but my building doesn’t allow pets.
+So what happened then?
-Well, my name is Mark by the way…
She started laughing really hard.
-It hadn’t come up yet and I felt like I had to take initiative.
+(still laughing) Can you guess my name?
Jess.
+No no I have changed my mind please don’t, it’s Jess.
Holy shit.
+Why are you looking at me like that?
-Do you want me to continue?
+Yes, please.
-That night, when I was home, there was this moment, how do I explain this… I felt like a chair.
+You felt like a chair?
-Or a rock. Anything. Everything. And I realised there is much more to existing than being a human. Or alive.
+I think you lost me.
-It all took one moment, one moment where I felt like the soul of the universe. I felt nothingness, and realised nothing and everything is actually the same thing.I was like and ape looking at a mirror, that realises it’s looking at a mirror, at itself.
+The universe?
-Yes.
+I think I have heard of people that had similar experiences.
-But I wasn’t under any drugs.
+Do you think your experience was different?
-Probably not. I don’t think it’s the drugs that make you feel that. Drugs only help you realise you are part of something much bigger. Actually, not even part of. You are it.
+What is it?
-I don’t know. Universe? The One? God?
+You are God?
-I know it sounds really arrogant.
+Yeah I think maybe The One is better.
-It doesn’t have to be god, but I think it is what defines a “being”. The idea of existing. Like Plato said. I always thought that was bullshit, but maybe one part of it is true.
+How did it feel?
-I have no idea. I don’t think it’s something that I can grasp. All I remember is the amazement I felt afterwards. And the pure happiness.
+Why the happiness?
-Because earlier, my consciousness was all I had to cling on. I didn’t assume anything was waiting for me after death. I didn’t put any meaning to an 80 year old life in a 14 billion years old universe.
+But now that you know there is more , you are happy.
-I wouldn’t say I know it for sure. But that moment was so intense and pure that I believe it now with all my heart.
+That’s… really amazing.
-Well, the next part is where it actually gets interesting.
+There is still more to this story?
So I told her about the 200€. And the cinema thing. And how it felt like her being my neighbor was actually wished into existence by me. And the backflip.
-I guessed your name too.
+I think you are making fun of me.
-No.
+Do a backflip.
-I don’t think I can do it now.
+Yeah, see, you’re joking with me.
-Look, it was a heat of the moment kind of thing, I have to feel like it again, I know I otherwise can’t do a backflip. But go ask around, I think a homeless guy saw me. He always hangs around near those fountains near the… uh…
+You mean Eddie? Guy with the really long beard?
-Yes! Wow, I know that guy too.
+…
-…
+…
+How?
-He said hi to me one day and we got to talking, nothing crazy.
+No, I mean, what are you saying, that you are god?
-No, but there is definitely something going on. I may be chosen.
+I don’t know about that, but you are at least definitely weird. Either you are telling the truth or this is the weirdest pickup line in existence.
-I think it’s both.
+How can I ever believe that? It would be like being religious.
-I don’t want you to believe that. I want you to believe me when I say I am not lying right now.
+But I barely know you. What if you are making all this up?
-Do you feel like you barely know me?
+No, but… I don’t know. Could it be because we’re neighbors?
I saw she was starting to get stressed out. I felt bad. I tried to force a laugh and said “Yeah, maybe.” We sat there for a while without talking. The waitress brought 2 slices of strawberry cheesecake and 2 cups of black coffee.
-I mean… we ordered the same things.
+It’s a cafe what else can you order?
-What’s your favorite food then?
+On 3?
-1
+2
-3
We both yelled cucumber. She was shocked.
-Told you.
+Who would ever say cucumber?
-I would. Because it is my favorite food.
+Mine too, but I didn’t think…
-You wanna do movies?
+Mine is also Whiplash.
-Favorite band?
+Just give me your phone.
She checked out my playlists for two seconds.
+Weirdo.
-Do you still have any doubts?
+I believe you are telling me the truth.
-Thank you.
+But there is still a chance that all this is a coincidence.
-I know that. But you have to risk looking stupid when you believe in something.
+I said I believed you, but I’m not sure about the karma thing.
-By the way, you go to college here right?
+Yes.
-And what do you study?
+Physics. I just transferred actually, it’s my second year.
-I’m in my third. Oh, and do you walk home a lot?
+No, I take the train. This was my first time. You?
-I think I walked once three years ago because there was no train that day. What was special about today that you decided to walk?
+I… just… felt like walking.
-Same.
+…
-Do you think we will ever be able to communicate without it being weird?
+But this is making it weirder.
-What about if I told you about that time when I fell asleep on the train and I missed my house six times?
She chuckled. I had missed her chuckle.
+You went back and forth six times?
-Seven if you count the first one.
+How long did it take?
-Four and a half hours. I even took a nap earlier that day.
She snorted her coffee.
+(laughing) What stopped you at 6?
-The police.
+Ah, you were running for the record.
-By the time I arrived I needed to be somewhere else so I didn’t even go home, I went straight back.
+There is nothing you can say that will make me believe this.
-That was also my first thought when it happened.
+By the way do you want to finish my cheesecake?
-No, do you want to finish mine?
+…
-Sorry yeah I can finish your cheesecake. Do you want to maybe go somewhere else after?
+Like where?
-The woods? I go there often it’s pretty nice.
+Okay, I’ll get the check.
-We can split it.
+No, I want to pay.
-Can I tip at least?
+Why wouldn’t you?
Now, at some point it was too obvious that the signs were there, but I didn’t notice at the time. We didn’t make out or anything. I didn’t feel the need to rush things because I was already pretty sure that she was my soulmate anyway. I have no idea how well I did romantically. That’s not true. I know I didn’t do very well. But it was still the best night of my life.
When I first thought of shutting up it was her turn to tell me about herself. Watching her talk was much better than talking myself. She told me about this feeling that she felt from time to time, kind of like bleak hopelessness out of nowhere. She told me she was feeling the opposite of it now. She had never believed in soulmates, but she always wanted to. She was as open as I was. She told me she also felt happy, and that this time it was different. I knew what she meant.
In the end, I told her I wanted to write a novel for two years. She encouraged me to do it. She asked me if she could stay at my apartment and watch me write. At this point, it was a little bit too much. I realized that something was off. Something was definitely off. I knew enough about physics that this could simply not be possible. Why did I start getting suspicious at exactly that moment, I don’t know. Everything had been building up slowly and the volume of it was just now dawning on me.
And to be honest, I guess I liked it. It was fine that this was supernatural. A miracle was way overdue. Maybe someone was looking after me. There is one thing you need to realize though. Life isn’t the same once you witness things out of ordinary. Most of the time you believe things. You don’t even know you’re believing them. You believe that when you throw an apple it will fall. You may think that isn’t a belief because it’s true, but it’s not. Literally everything can happen. And the fact that they don’t happen for a while doesn’t mean they will never happen.
You probably think I’m exaggerating the probability of me meeting the love of my life a little. First of all, I’m not. Secondly, all of this wasn’t my main concern. I kept thinking about that moment when I felt nothingness. I was starting to feel something creeping up inside me. A feeling that was nothing like I experienced before. Something that I can only describe as godly.
I started to lose my sense of reality. My vision became blurry. I couldn’t hear what she was saying anymore. I wasn’t even sure if she was talking at all. I started to shift into this state of mind where I was reliving a dream I had many times when I had a fever. It was the closest I had come to experiencing nothingness before that moment. I never knew how to describe it, and I would forget about it the next morning most of the time. In the dream, there is nothing at first. No universe. It’s not even black, it’s just, nothing. Except me. I was there. Not physically, but consciously. I was there to observe nothingness. And I start to feel something. It’s like watching a point grow larger and larger to the size of the universe. And that point was also me. Because nothing existed other than me. I always got too scared and woke up so I don’t know how the dream ends. But somehow I knew that this was the worst thing to have ever happened.
We arrived at my home and I wasn’t even noticing her anymore. I headed to my laptop like a fly being pulled to light. I instinctively opened it and started typing. I couldn’t see the letters so it was all muscle memory, so much that if I messed up the order of the letters the first time, the whole story would come out as gibberish. I wrote for hours without any pauses. By pauses, I mean, I didn’t even pause to think. If anything, I was too slow to match up with my thoughts. I didn’t go to the toilet, I didn’t scratch my head. Finally, I pressed print. The printer starting was one of the biggest reliefs of my life, I didn’t mess up the order. It took a while to print the whole thing.
I’m going to be honest with you, it was the best thing ever written. Anyone would agree with that, and yet it had another meaning for me, because it explained everything. Everything that was missing from my life. Everything that I hadn’t yet figured out. It was fiction, of course, but it fit perfectly into my life. I don’t really remember what I wrote, but I remember how scared I was of it. Actually, I don’t know if that counts as reading, because I still couldn’t see the paper, I was just going by memory. I don’t even know if I changed the pages at the right time.
And then I read it another time. And then another. And then another.
I don’t know how many times. It could be a thousand. It could be five.
I read it until I started to gain vision. The blurry letters became clear. And then they completely cleared out. And I have realized that I have been sitting here for days staring at empty papers. And all I saw were those papers. Everything else was black.
The doctors told me I had a psychotic episode or whatever. Even then I realized how ridiculous it would sound if I told them that I had actually met god.