My family told me it was normal.
Moving out is hard for everyone. Especially if you are an eighteen year old girl who has always been close with her parents. Now, I had trouble making friends with my roommate, the giant city terrified me, and university was so much harder then school.
On top of it all, I was going through a full-on crisis of faith. Believing in God had always given me comfort, but seeing people in pain all around the city really put a pin in that.
“Why are you letting them suffer?”, I asked as I prayed at night, “if you love everyone, why are people homeless? Why do people die? Are their lives less worth than mine to you?”
The night didn’t answer back, and the longer I stared at the darkness, the longer I feared that there really was nothing out there. Still, a part of me wondered if my early-stage atheism meant I was going to hell. It was all just… too much.
The only thing I looked forward to was cuddling up in my giant bed.
The nightmares started innocently enough.
I dreamed about my alarm not going off. Waking up, realizing I was three hours late for class. The professor told me that I had to go meet him for supper to make up for it. But the meal consisted entirely of tomatoes. They were everywhere. Their all-consuming, pulsating red hurt my eyes.
“Don’t just sit there”, someone put their hand on my shoulder, “eat. He is watching you.”
“I can’t”, I wept, “I’m allergic, and…”
I woke up to my alarm going off. My eyes were filled with tears. Weird. I laughed it off and went to class extra early.
The next night, I dreamed about my father trying to kill me.
“Come out come out, Lil”, he sang.
“I’m an aromantic atheist”, I shouted as I tried to hold the door.
“Hi aromantic atheist”, he broke through it, “I’m Dad.”
“Forgive me father”, I closed my eyes, “for I have sinned. But… don’t hurt me.”
He gave me a solemn smile. “I have to. He is watching you.”
And with that, he started to carve me up with a chainsaw. My blood pulsated in the same rhythm as the red light around us.
I woke up crying. I never used to dream like that. What was my brain doing?
“Are you okay?”, my roommate asken when I came into the kitchen, “you look tired.”
“Yeah Jeff”, I suppressed a yawn, “thanks for checking in. I just haven’t been sleeping well. You know the drill.”
Jeff, who was studying at the same university, nodded sadly.
That night, I dreamed I had to do an oral exam while being nailed to a cross.
“So, in conclusion, I…”, I let out a whimper as someone drove the first nail through my palm.
The red, blinking light hurt my eyes even worse. Creatures were dancing in that light, dirty, cold creatures. When I looked in their faces, I recognized they were the homeless.
The woman with the hammer next to me was the one I gave an apple yesterday.
“Help me”, I whispered, “please.”
“I can’t”, she screeched, “he is watching.”
I woke up. Tears streamed down my face, but I ignored them.
Three nightmares in three nights.
And the same sentence all over.
“God?”, I whispered, my voice lonely in the empty apartment, “are you… are you mad at me?”
Silence. I was alone. No one watching, just me, the tears and a red, pulsating…
Wait.
That wasn’t in my dreams.
That red light was real.
“Fuck”, I whispered softly.
I found it soon enough.
It was in a slit behind my wardrobe.
A lonely camera.
I stared at it, but not for too long.
Moving out is hard. Finding an apartment is worse, especially id you are an eighteen year old girl who wants to study in a big city. Luckily for me, I had a great landlord. Jeff. Smart, trustfund-baby Jeff who could already afford buying an apparment at 25. Jeff, who was looking for a roommate.
We only had one thing in common: We studied at the same uni. I was in the Phsyics department and he… a biochemist.
I looked it up. Jeff is studying effects of certain hallucinogens on the brain. With mice and… bigger creatures. Apparently.
I put the camera right back where it was and went to bed.
I dreamed of Satan trying to exorcise me. Woke up shaking and crying.
But I’m only in uni for five years.
And let’s be honest: Where else am I going to find an apartment I can afford?