And that’s ever since i can remember.
I don’t know if i ever had a dream that i could truly call my own. A dream that wasn’t a reflection of someone else’s thoughts, feelings or memories. And y’know, i always thought i knew more about dreams than anyone else - considering my condition - but thinking about it now, i never really had the true experience.
The moment i lay down on bed, close my eyes and let my thoughts drift away - to most people, that’s when they truly are within themselves. But to me, it’s like entering someone else’s home, except i wasn’t invited. Or better yet, watching it all through a window in their homes, because they can’t see me and i can’t really interfere.
I just know these aren’t my thoughts or feelings. These experiences aren’t my own.
It has been like this ever since i was a child. Once i go to sleep and lose counsciouness, i slowly perceive myself being in a strange and often unfamiliar place, always as a distant observer. And yes, if you’re wondering, it’s exactly as dreams are supposed to be. Oneiric is the right word.
Sometimes they are simply weird, the geometry doesn’t make any sense or the place isn’t clearly defined. Or maybe it’s a distorted version of a place i do know. Or even a faithful recreation of it. The scenery may be ever-changing. Whatever the case, i can usually move freely, usually walking as i do in real life.
If i see someone inside the dream, though, i can’t really interact with them or change anything. Doesn’t matter what i say or do. I’m just there, and they can’t see me either. I can only experience it, again, as an observer.
As a kid, i probably thought these were actually my dreams. You see, it’s not just any random person, i always enter the dreams of people i know personally. Or people that i’ve met, even if it’s just a person i briefly talked to in the street or a random waitress in the cafeteria. It just happens, and it’s out of my control.
But it didn’t take long for younger me to make the correlation between these experiences and the people themselves. I would ‘‘dream’’ about a colleague in school, hiding himself in a version of our classroom while a tsunami ripped off the walls outside. And then a day later, i would discover said colleague was feeling very anxious about our final exams, and that had affected his state of mind. And yeah, if i asked - he would tell me he had the same dream i experienced the previous night. An impossible concidence repeating itself almost every night.
These experiences are so personal, that i ended up discovering a lot of things about the people in my life. Even things i didn’t want to know. Not that i like to invade their privacy, but i don’t really have a choice. While i am in there, i stay in until the dream ends or if i wake up for some reason or another.
It was through dreams that i found out my dad was cheating on my mom. That my best friend was in love, and that my sister had arachnophobia.
I trained myself to keep some of the things i see and experience out of my mind, though. So i won’t judge the people i know based on them. After all, you don’t really have control over what you dream about.
And yeah, nightmares are part of it, too. Though they are not really that scary if you’re not the one having it.
And once i wake up, i can usually remember the dream vividly. Not that it matters, though. It’s not every night that i have these dreams, sometimes i just sleep normally, which i largely prefer.
But yeah, it’s been like that my entire life. Never told anyone, except for my grandmother. And that’s because she had the same condition.
I first discovered it when i was about six, or seven years old. It’s hard to remember clearly, but i was experiencing a dream my mom was having. I can barely remember what it was about. What i do remember, though, was feeling lonely. Trying to reach out to mom, but she couldn’t see me there. There was even a version of me in her dreams, but it wasn’t me. She couldn’t see me.
Then i felt something touch my hand. And this… warm presence, i guess it’s the best way to describe it. felt immediately comforted. I looked around but there was nothing, still, i was sure i wasn’t totally alone. Someone familiar was there with me. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was grandmother.
The following day, she visited us by surprise, bringing sweets with her. And after a while, she called me into my room and we talked, alone, far from my parents or my sister. She didn’t want them to listen.
She explained to me i shouldn’t be scared. She had the same condition as i, she had it for her entire life. Told me it’s a special gift, something only very few people have. And that i should always keep it as a secret. She hadn’t told anyone, not even grandfather, and now i was the only one on the family who knew.
She had found me last night because she, too, was an intruder in my mother’s dream. It was by pure chance, but both our consciousness were present there at the same time. She saw me, but i remember not being able to see her, though, only feel her. She told me that in due time, i would be able to see her too.
I asked a lot of questions. But it was clear grandma didn’t have all the answers, or maybe she just chose to keep most of them to herself. Mostly, though, she reiterated many times, that i shouldn’t be scared. These experiences were normal to us, and they didn’t represent any danger.
With one exception.
She was very adamant about this, which at the time made very little sense to me - If i ever saw a dark figure in the dreams of others, some kind of distorted shadow, and if it ever appeared again and again, then i should tell her immediately.
I asked her what that was supposed to mean. What was that dark shadow? And yeah, like you probably guessed, i didn’t get an answer. She simply smiled, and said she would tell me once i got older.
She died a few years later, though. And i never got the answer. I wasn’t thinking about it then, of course. I was so deeply affected by her loss i never stopped to think about all the things left unsaid, answers i would never have. We were so close, i felt like a part of me went with her.
But life went on. I grew up, got into college, got a job, and never told anyone about my ‘‘gift’’. And after a long time, i forgot all about the distorted shadows grandma warned me about.
Well, until last week.
I was on the beach. Not a real one, but inside the dreams of my roommate in college. I sat on the sand, facing the sea, and watching as his dream version playfully chased a girl into the water. It must have been the second or third time he had dreamt that same scenario, and it would never not be funny to me.
But that’s when i noticed something. It attracted my gaze, all the way across the sea. On that beautiful, picture-perfect sunny day, it was like a black spot on a canvas. Distant, but impossible not to notice.
A shadow.
I couldn’t see it that well. From that distance, i could barely discern that it was somewhat humanoid. But the darkness of it stuck out like a sore thumb.
It didn’t move, and it didn’t do anything. It just stood there, in the distance. And i didn’t do anything either. After a while, the dream ended, and both me and my colleague woke up.
Of course, i didn’t ask him if he had seen it.
Initially, i tried rationalizing it. Telling myself it was just some weird thing in my friend’s dream, a product of his subconscious, and it wasn’t there because of me. I even gaslighted myself into thinking it wouldn’t happen again, and that i didn’t remember the exact words my grandmother used when describing the shadow.
But no, because the following night, i saw it again. At the dream of one of my college professors.
But this time, there were two.
Two shadows. Standing side by side. Still lurking at a distance, on the dream’s distorted version of a local shopping mall.
Still, they seemed slightly… closer.
I didn’t get near them, of course. No way in hell i would do that. I tried to stay the farthest i could until the dream ended. But i couldn’t even force myself to wake up. It was if i was stuck there.
I had been an intruder in the minds of these people for so long. And now it felt like i was found out. Exposed. And they were watching me. Maybe… judging me.
That thought scared me to my core. What, or who these things are, all i know is that they represent danger. And i don’t know how to face it.
Every night that passed, i would have someone else’s dreams. And then those shadows would appear. Two, then four, then six. They were multiplying, and as they multiply, they also get closer and closer to me. And i could discern them quite well, now.
Humanoid… figures. Dark as night. No face, long arms with shoulders fallen to the side. They have this… slight oscillation on their bodies, like characters in an old movie.
I don’t know what to do, other than to keep myself awake for as long as i can. And i can’t focus on anything else. All that passes through my mind are thoughts of what’s going to happen once they reach me. Will i die? I don’t know. But i’m desperate and don’t know what to do.
That’s why i decided to post this online, breaking the promise that i made to my grandmother. Because if there’s someone out there, someone with the same condition as me, and who has faced these shadows before, then i need help. What do i do now? How can i fight them?
Can you please help me?