When I was younger, I used to struggle with anxiety. I used to be terrified to talk to people, both in person and over the phone. Even text was really difficult. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid, people wouldn’t want to talk to me, would mock me, would think I was stupid. But after I graduated high-school, I started working on myself, I went to therapy, gained confidence and become more sociable. Now it’s all for nothing and my worst nightmare has come true.
It all happened last Friday night. I worked late and I was very stressed. I had a project to finish before the weekend, so it could be presented to the investors first thing Monday morning. My boss had been yelling at me the whole day that Friday. My friends had invited me to bowling. I couldn’t go, because of the bloody project. I was extremely furious, so I decided to walk home, hoping the walk would clear my head. It didn’t.
A homeless woman was sleeping at a street corner. I used to have zero respect for homeless people. Until I became one, that is. Spoilers, I guess. It was a lonely alley. I was the only one passing by. The alley was so quiet that my footsteps woke her up. And she was drunk.
“Please, mister, I’m all out of booze.”
The nerve on that woman. Not only is she begging, but she asks for money for BOOZE! I started to curse at her.
“You worthless piece of crap! Go back to sleep! You don’t even deserve to live. Scum of the earth.”
She kept asking for money, stood up and came towards me. I stopped and put on the most disdainful grimace I could possibly contort my face into. She came up to me and wanted to grab my arm. I was so annoyed at this, I punched her right between her eyes. She fell down. I heard her hit her head on the pavement. She lost consciousness. I just went on my way. When I reached the end of the street, I heard the old hag mumble something. She came to. At least I didn’t kill her. Her speech was slurred, but I could make out “God” and “curses”. I didn’t care.
As I arrived home, my next door neighbour was pulling his car into the driveway. I waived at him. Nothing. As if he didn’t notice me. He got out of the car.
“Hey, John! Nice evening, isn’t it?”
John looked at me with such disdain and disgust, I hadn’t imagined the human face capable of displaying. He didn’t say a word.
Oh, God. He must’ve seen me and the homeless woman.
I started to feel my muscles tense and my heart beating faster. I was surprised at this feeling, a very familiar sensation, but one I thought I got rid of long ago.
I arrived at my own door, took my keys out and unlocked the door. It was locked from the inside with the chain latch. I knocked. Nothing. I knocked again, louder. Still nothing. A third time. My wife came to the door. I couldn’t see her, she tried her best to hide. I was only able to hear her voice. She sounded both scared and full of hatred.
“What do you want?”
“It’s me honey, open the door”
I was both angry and scared.
“No, never!”
“What? Please, babe, let me in.”
“Go away and never bother us again!”
She slammed the door shut. I knocked again and again for a few minutes. I started to panic. My knocks turned into punches and kicks in the door. Then a police car stopped in my driveway. She must’ve called the cops. Two policemen came out and, without saying a word, started beating me with their batons. As I lay there bleeding on my own stairs, I had my first proper panic attack in years. My chest hurt, like I was having a heart attack, I was hyperventilating, I felt dizzy and finally lost consciousness.
After coming to and gathering my strength, I decided to call my best friend, Paul. He didn’t pick up. He must have come home by now from bowling. I tried all my other friends, multiple times. None of them picked up. Panic again. I thought I was going to die. Sadly, I didn’t. By now, I welcome the sweet release of death.
I decided to go to Cole’s house. He lives closest to me. I knocked at the door. My heart was beating now like the drums of a death metal band. I consciously slowed down my breath to avoid another hyperventilation. It seamed like an eternity before the door opened. When it finally and violently opened, Cole stepped out and punched me in the nose. Then he got back in and slammed the door shut without saying even a single word.
John, then my wife and now Cole. They couldn’t have all witnessed, how I treated the homeless woman. Unless John called my wife and my wife called Cole, then Cole probably called the others. But why would John call my wife? How does he have her number? Unless they’re sleeping together. And Cole? He must be sleeping with my wife, too. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have called him. She doesn’t even like him. Or she pretends not to, so I wouldn’t suspect. Now I started to worry not only about my situation, but also about all the cuckoldry that’s been going on probably for a long time now and me being completely blind to it.
I decided I’d get a hotel room. They called the security and threw me out. Not even cheap, dirty motels everybody avoids except for red necks having an affair, wouldn’t allow me in. I would have to sleep in the park. I lay on a bench, when I notice something glowing in the bushes. Then the barking. A pack of stray dogs. They chased me through the park. I managed to lose them at the river. There I took residence under a bridge. I passed out from exhaustion. That night I had a sleep paralysis episode. It wasn’t the first time, I had them multiple times, but my sleep paralysis demon was always quiet. This time, it wouldn’t stop cursing and belittling me. It would tell me, in the deepest, scariest voice I’d ever heard, how worthless and pathetic I was, how I wasn’t deserving to live, and so on.
Sunday I went to church. They threw me out. Monday I went to work. They told me, they didn’t know who I was and that I never worked there. Security escorted me out. How on earth did my wife get to them, I don’t know. My sleep paralysis demon pays me regular visits, now even during the day, when I haven’t been sleeping.
Now I seat here under my bridge and write these words. It feels so, so hard to press “post”. I know you will all hate this post. My heart is beating fast, my mind is racing. I’m debating with myself whether to post or not. But this is Reddit, what’s the worst that could happen?