Before we start - I am sorry for my english. I am not a native speaker and currently working on getting better. Writing is one of my exercised ^^’
“This will be hard, but I am so excited. This is all we worked for!” Linda said smiling, staring at the entry of the hospital. I gulped and nodded. Yes, all the hours at the library, the missed parties, the energy drinks, the debt, it all resolved into this. I checked my phone, it was 5am. We should start at 6am with the morning shift and didn’t want to come late. Now we had to linger around at least half an hour before entering so it wouldn’t look like we’re weird, extra-eager or anything.
I grabbed Linda’s hand and squeezed as a response. We weren’t a couple, just good friends pushing each other through college. I couldn’t imagine having to start at a different hospital than her. This was a very small, rural hospital, but it had two open spots and the rent was cheap. Linda and I shared an apartment, as we were roommates in college.
When we entered, everyone was nice. Of course, some were annoyed of the newbies but overall it was a welcoming atmosphere. That seemed strange, given that everyone else from college told us they had a horrible start but we didn’t complain. We learned a lot and the doctors allowed us to do some things ourselves to check our abilities. The trust built up on both sides and it didn’t take long until we had our “own” patients. It wasn’t all roses and glamour, slowly we got to see how broken our health care system actually is, and started working double- to tripple-shifts.
It was a miracle to me, how the staff could still be smiling and be this heartwarming after the work we did every day. Of course, we hat the grateful, nice patients but the probability was way higher to get a screaming, rude patient who complained about the bills all the time. We just wanted to help, it was exhausting. There was constantly someone asking something and some shifts I couldn’t even remember when I ate or went to the toilet. Fortunately, this hospital had a very doctor friendly policy: the LORD-policy. It said that we could drop the bill if a patient wasn’t able to pay or would start to randalize. I don’t know who carried the financial loss but I was very happy about it
After a few months, a young couple came in, in their arms their very badly injured boy, not older than seven. A closet collapsed onto him and he was immediately unconscious. They wanted to call 911 but their partent advised them against it because it was too expensive, so they rushed here as fast as they could. Too late, little Greg didn’t make it.
A week later, I used the rare occasion of Linda an me being home at the same time and talked to her about it. About this healthcare system, our families in this country and that we both ran straight into burnout if we continued like this, even in this small hospital. We both cried a little and I brought up the thought of leaving the country to work in Europe. I read some articles and it sounded better! Not optimal but… better. I am an orphan, my adoptive parents pulled some shit after they found out I’m gay so I had no strings attached, but Linda… She had parents and a sister here. It would be harder for her to just… leave. She said she’d think about it, maybe we should just change hospitals at first before we became drastic.
The next day at work felt unreal. I couldn’t imagine any better or friendlier coworkers and when they brought me cookies when I couldn’t take a break I nearly forgot about leaving. They never lost their smile, no matter how shitty the day was going.
A week later I found Linda crying in the storeroom. Breaking down at work wasn’t something unusual so I just asked “You alright there or do you need something? Did you eat yet?” while I searched my item. Linda looked up and laughed through her tears while pulling out a granola bar. “Of course not.” she answered and looked at her phone. We were nine hours into our shift. “You know, I thought about what you said the other night. On the couch.” She said between chews. I continued my search, humming as a response. “You know, we could make an exchange semester. Maybe even try to get a scholarship. Just get out of here. You know, sometimes, when I get home, I just lay there. I can’t even cry because all this became so normal.” She finished her bar, looking at me, so many doubts in her eyes. I sighted, turned around and smiled. “I know, I feel the same. Sometimes I come home and don’t make it to the bed. Then I just lay there, on the floor, staring into the ceiling. We should really leave, I don’t think this place is-“ I got interruptedy the door opened and Nurse Cathy came in.
“What’s going on here? Secret students meetings? Should we know something? You don’t think about leaving us, do you?” She asked, laughing and at the same time inspecting us. “Oh no Dear, it looks like you cried!” She stepped closer to Linda and wiped her tears with a tissue she got out of her Kazak. “Go grab a cookie from our break room darling, the patients are waiting.” Linda smiled, thanked her and left the room. Then Cathy turned to me “What are you looking for, Handsome?” “I need some adult diapers, my patient made a mess.” In that moment I spotted them next to where Linda just sat. “But thanks anyways Cathy, you were really nice to Linda. We’re actually having a hard time, being a doctor isn’t quite what we imagined. No offense, y’all are great and stuff, but maybe we have to gain some more experiences, you know.” I told her while grabbing what I needed. Weirdly, she continued to smile and stared at me. After some silent seconds she finally broke the silence. “That sounds awful sweetcheeks, maybe grab a cookie and life will look better after that. Now hush, let’s go to work.” Like she was in a hurry, she left the storageroom. ‘Well, that was weird’ I thought to myself and an uncomfortable feeling spread in my stomach. Not until later I realized the reason for that: she left empty-handed.
The next week, everything went as usual. I didn’t see Linda a lot and when I did she was in a hurry. She smiled everytime I met her. it seemed like our decision gave her new strength and that made me genuinely happy. I wasn’t that happy, I realized I gained some weight and the guys on Grindr are very picky, so I stopped eating sweets. It felt like I went through a withdrawal and I felt guilty I let the sugar gain so much control over me. It was almost creepy, I never felt like this before but I told myself, everything feels worse when you’re under that much stress.
A few days later was the day. I wanted to grab Linda and talk to the management about our ‘break’. But when I looked for her I couldn’t find her anywhere. I asked some Techs but they didn’t know where she was. They ate cookies and now that I stopped eating sugar they smelled horribly sweet to me. When I asked on the ward she was supposed to be, they told me she went to the basement for a bed. They wash them there, so nothing unusual about that. What made me suspicious was the fact that this wasn’t part of our job. I’ve never gotten a bed before, that was always something for the nurses or the nurse students.
So with an eerie feeling I went down the stairs. The floor was very clean and it was tidy. Some beds stood in the provided places and I relaxed a bit. I was still alarmed but this was the same hospital I worked in for months. If there was anything extraordinary going on, I’d know about it, right? That was at least what I told myself before I blacked out.
I woke up with a bad headache and Linda smiling at me. She had a sheepish grin on her lips as she let her fingers slide over my chest. I shivered. Wait… Was I naked? It was so cold! I sneezed but it was muffeled by the piece of cloth in my mouth? Confused and terrified I looked around, my hands, feet, neck and pelvis were bound to the table I was laying on. Cathy appeared in my blurred vision, looking at me with a big smile. This time, it didn’t warm my heart. “What a shame, you were so good!” She exclaimed as she gently touched my cheek. “Linda here was more compliant than you, so don’t worry about her. She’ll have a good life here.” I felt something cool on my arm, an indication that she just injected me NaCl in my vein. You do that to check an i.v. before you inject the actual medication. “Leaving us is not an option. When you were sad, you just should’ve eaten a cookie.” Cathy said, shaking her head while changing the syringe. I heard the sound of the empty water syringe in the trash. I knew these were my last seconds and I still couldn’t think straight because if the headache. The panic was dull, my thoughts were “As I said, it is a shame, but at least we’ll get some cash for the lord.” Cathy said and she smiled lovingly at me as the world faded to black.
I was surprised when I woke up. I didn’t expect to. Linda stood at the and of my bed, smiling at me with a wider grin than I ever saw on her face while holding a clipboard. I still felt dull, my thoughts had to walk through mud before they reached my consciousness. I heard a beep, a characteristic beep from a monitor. It wasn’t an ECG, it was a dialysis machine and I could watch my blood spinning. I looked back to my former best friend. I tried to call her name but again, I was gagged. “Please don’t try to talk.” she asked me, coming closer. “We only needed kidneys yesterday.” She checked the huge machine that purified my blood and controlled the liquids flowing into my body. She sat down next to me, gently touching the plasters on my sides. It hurted, but I didn’t flinch because of the pain. Who was that smiling woman? Her eyes seemed so cold, where was the real Linda? The happiness she radiated was a little too sweet, too warm, too… Happy. The panic came back, not mundane, present, sharp. My breathing got faster and I started sweating. “I loved you, you know?” she whispered, taking a tissue or of her pocket. “But you wanted to leave and you can’t leave here. Everyone is just so happy here. You should be too.” I felt her lips on my forehead and she wiped away the sweat from there. She shouldn’t touch me! This wasn’t my Linda! But then, my resistance suddenly stopped. “You should sleep.”
I laughed at myself while she wiped, it felt like an relieve, suddenly everything was dull again, I could barely keep my eyes open. Sleep sounded nice. Finally, she got up, turned around, stopped and took one last look at me “There are cookies on the nightstand if you want some.”
A few hours later I found her phone, she lost it on my blanket. Getting it into my hand was already a hard fight, I tried to call 911 but I got no signal. It’s getting colder, I guess it becomes night and at the end of her shift Linda will realise that her phone is missing. I don’t know what to do. What if they need a heart this night? Or tomorrow? I got the universal blood type, they will take everything they can get, please, please help me. Nobody will miss me.