You remember those scavenger hunt books from when you were a kid?
You’d get a jumbled clusterfuck of random pictures generally tied to a theme and you’d be tasked with finding things in the background.
I had to go out to grab a part to repair my kitchen sink; it’d been leaking lately. I remembered an old bookstore I always went to was right next door to the hardware store. I went inside and saw my favorite childhood series “Find me”! I was beyond surprised to see them hiding on the shelf. $3 each? Absolute steal! I grabbed Find Me: Pirate Adventure, Find Me: Circus Top, and Find Me: Space Station.
I took them home and threw them aside, intending them to be more of a nostalgic decoration than actual reading material. I was going to put them up on little decorative stands in some half baked attempt to capture my “inner child”.
I got to work on the faucet, my entire counter had been soaked, to the point where I almost had a little pool by the drying rack. That night I got a little baked and excited so I picked the books up and decided to go through them. First up was Find Me: Pirate Adventure. I opened the book and was greeted with the series’s mascot, a little felt sock puppet looking man named Felty. Felty would guide you through your adventure and ask you to find everything for him, clad in a cute, thematically-appropriate outfit each time. This time, he was fittingly dressed as a little pirate and called himself “Captain Felty.” One of his usual button eyes was replaced by an eyepatch and he wore a large hat and a coat.
“Yar me matey! We’re about to set sail! Find me the anchor, the mast and a pail!”
The Goal was Felty would ask you to find certain items that were hidden in the background. Once you found what he asked for it would disappear from the background and be added to whatever project Felty was working on. Eventually, all the items would create a small scene as a “congratulations” for completing the book.
I had read this book at least a hundred times as a kid so I immediately remembered where the aforementioned anchor, mast, and pail were. Granted, half of the time I would look for things in the collage photo that necessarily wouldn’t be asked for. I’d make my own game out of it: “I find”. I turned the page.
“Thank you my friend, keep on the lookout! Find me the map, me hook, and a trout!”
The rhymes weren’t always the best but damn, did it have the spirit. The main scene of the pirate adventure was a large dock where a bunch of toys dressed up as pirates would hang around, going about their days. The dock was next to a giant blue lagoon filled with fish. To help younger kids with figuring out what a trout was, all the fish got replaced with this shitty giant JPEG of a trout. I flipped to the next page where, miraculously, the other assorted tropical fish were back!
“Find the Sunken Man”
This kinda took me off guard. I didn’t really remember this part. There was no rhyme, no funny boxes and last of all no sunken man. I flipped the page.
“Alright my friend, we’re getting ready! Find me favorite first mate, Teddy!”
In the middle of the dock was a teddy bear! Teddy was Felty’s little pal who also appeared in every book. I turned the page once more.
“He drips He drips He drips on land
His tired old bones dragged past the sand
He smells of old copper, his limbs they go popper
He is the sunken man”
Lying there, in the middle of the lagoon, was what appeared to be a bloated, eyeless body. He seemingly stared at the reader, a blank, slack-jawed expression on his face. His elongated features and rotting face couldn’t help but make me squirm. How the hell did this make it in a children’s book? Once again I flipped the page.
“My dear friend! You’re simply the best! Could you find me some gold to put in me chest?”
I found the gold no problem, in the alley of the dock as it always had been. However, at the bottom of the lagoon, the sunken man still sat. Page after page, he still sat there at the bottom of the water. I could swear he was looking right through me. Unsatisfied, I closed the book before I could finish it. The dark picture of a waterlogged corpse at the bottom of the lagoon didn’t exactly make me want to continue reading. Deciding that a circus has a significantly lower chance of drowned bodies, I grabbed the next book, Find Me: Circus Top. On the first page, I was greeted by “Ringmaster Felty and Dr. Teddo the clown.”
“Oh dear! Oh my! I’m not sure where it went! Could you please find me my big circus tent?”
In the middle of the page was a large white and red striped circus tent. The first find is always the easiest. The next page, we were inside the tent. The same toys from the pirate book were now all dressed up as various circus performers.
“We’re all working and busy as bees!! Find me the swings to setup the trapeze!”
At the bottom of the circus tent was a small pool. The kind you’d see with the whole “they’re diving into this tiny pool from a great height” gag.
Ah shit, a pool, that’s right! I totally forgot to finish fixing the sink. I got up and walked over to my kitchen. There was water all over my kitchen counter and a lot of the tile. I finished up quickly and washed my hands - good as new! I wiped up a bunch of the water and went back to my book.
“Take a break! Take a look! it’ll be real quick! Dr Teddo is gonna do his trick!
This was Teddy’s first big part in a book. He would dive from the big diving board into the small pool. Each page showing his descent, giving you a little break from the finding.
“WatcHe Dr Teddo Jump and flips”
Next page
“He twirls anD curls and does his drips”
Next page
“Howe Dr Teddo never trips? we’ll never know! On sea, on Land he’ll go to and fro!”
I flipped the page once more.
“Out like a wave, here comes the crash!! Here is Teddy and here is his SPPLAAAAASHH”
He made it! That was the final page. I couldn’t help but feel excited. I get it, it’s a children’s book, but reading all this again is fun. I can’t just stop now, the nostalgia is infectious.
The final book was Find Me: Space Station. I’ve never read this one.
“Race to Space with Astro Felto! You’ll go far with him in this star adventure!”
Felty, or his cute nickname for this book Felto, was dressed up as a little spaceman. He was flying off to a little space station made of cardboard and aluminum foil. On the next page, Felty was in the station. The floor was cluttered with a bunch of junk and random debris and toys floated around the room. A small airlock door on the wall led out to a large hallway. Next to it, a huge window opened upout to space.
“What is a ship without a crew? Find me some friends! Find me a few!”
I thought that could have worked better in the pirate adventure but hey, it’s difficult coming up with a ton of rhymes. The toys from the previous book were hiding in different spots but weirdly enough, no Teddy.
“The ship needs repairs! Can you take a look? Find me the ship’s big repair book!”
In the center of the nearest desk to Felty was a large book with yellow letters that said SHIP REPAIRS. Well, that was easy. I turned the page
Find the sunken man.
Damn, no wonder it was on sale. Misprint. I wonder if there’s some sort of collectors’ group for these? Maybe I’d get my money back online? I could always just keep it to feel more special over having a misprinted book. Next page.
Find a way out.
There, in the back of the hallway, stood the waterlogged corpse of the sunken man. His eyeless elongated face stared at me. Bloated and swollen he leaned against the doorway, standing in a puddle of dark water and his own filth. I flipped the page.
Find a way out.
What the fuck? I flipped again.
Find a way out.
The sunken man was closer, Felty was still reading the repair book, his eyes glued to the page. I could see the sunken man in more detail now: leek, salt-stained cheeks, his body engorged with sea water and pus. His jaw hung low, as if it were to fall off at any second. I looked around the room for some kind of exit. Maybe an escape pod? I flipped the page.
Find a way out.
He was even closer. I kept flipping pages, the message kept repeating. Closer and closer the man limped and dragged his popping broken limbs over to Felty. I stopped flipping pages but he didn’t stop moving. He drew closer and closer. Puddles formed across the floor. His dislocated jaw opened wide as if to let out a scream but no sound escaped his lips. I slammed the book shut, knocking it off the table in my panic. I went to pick it up. All over the floor was a large wet ink spot. I picked the book up and opened it. The pages were gone, missing. All that was left were smeared images echoing the remnants of what was there just a moment before. I got up, I need a drink, I need to get out of the house. I stepped in a massive puddle on the floor, it trailed all the way through the house. The sink, You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I marched out of my bedroom and towards the kitchen I could hear the sink dripping from the hallway.
Drip,
Drip,
Drip,
I walked over to the sink and turned it off, I guess I may have left it on? The drip from the sink stopped but the sound didn’t. I opened the cabinet beneath the sink and saw no leak.
Drip,
Drip,
Drip,
Suddenly, I heard a pop, and then another crack. I felt a cold, salty breath behind me.
Drip,
Drip,
Drip,