I want to get fired.
I really do.
I have absolutely zero interest in any line of work whatsoever. My family is pretty well-off, and I could easily spend the rest of my life without having to lift a finger.
Unfortunately for me, my parents don’t see it that way. They’re immigrants, you see, and incredibly adamant about teaching me the value of money.
“Get off your butt and make something of yourself,” they keep saying.
But I don’t really see the point. I mean, why should I bother holding down a 9 to 5, if I don’t really have to? And it’s not like my parents think I’m getting sacked on purpose. Honestly, I think they’re just disappointed that their son hasn’t grown up to be more like them. Hard-working and disciplined, that is.
I mean, it’s not like I can’t work. I can. I’m perfectly capable of spending hours upon hours grinding for rare characters in video games or pursuing girls on a night out. I just don’t feel like spending eight hours every single day making lattes or sweeping floors.
That said, I am almost twenty-eight, and my parents have made working a prerequisite. They don’t mind what line of work I choose – I could be a gravedigger for all they care, as long as I am actively seeking employment. So that’s what I’ve been doing. Or at least, that’s what I’ve led them to believe.
You see, I have made getting fired a routine. Preferably on the very first day. Okay, the second day – tops. That way, I can get back to my video games, while I wait for the next opportunity to roll around. Then I rinse and repeat. You get the picture.
You wouldn’t believe the lengths I’ve gone to in order to get fired. I’ve been blatantly rude to customers, tested the creepiest and most inappropriate pick-up lines on managers, and I’ve been caught carving my initials into the shop counter.
Sometimes it doesn’t work though. It really depends on the manager. Some of them have a funny bone and opt to laugh it off, light-heartedly telling me not to do it again. That’s when I pull out the big guns. Over the years, I’ve found myself getting increasingly inventive with the ways I get fired.
For example, the time when I bought the entire bar drinks with the company card. Or the time immediately after that when I got a DUI in the company car. Also, the time when I got caught washing myself in the kitchen sink. You should have seen the manager’s face – yikes!
Of course, some stunts have landed me in hot water, but nothing that my father’s credit card couldn’t fix. My parents must think I’m stupid; I mean, I’ve been fired from at least forty jobs at this point. Still, I guess you can’t please everyone.
I have recently been fired from my most recent position at a car dealership. That one didn’t work out because I ‘accidentally’ overcharged a customer. Honestly, what’s an extra two grand when buying a high-end car? Thankfully, my dad took care of it in the end.
He was sitting at the living room table, studying the daily newspaper with a crease in his forehead.
“A lifeguard at a waterpark?”
“Nah,” I mumbled, clutching the controller tighter and squinting at the screen.
“How about an assistant at the local library?”
“No, dad, that sounds super boring.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see he was getting frustrated.
“Find a job, Keith. That was our agreement.”
“I know, I know,” I said, rolling my eyes, while somehow still managing to stay focused on the screen.
I’m telling you, if I could make a living playing video games, I’d never have to rely on my parents again. Or get fired again, for that matter.
Suddenly, my phone pinged, and I peered at it. I’d met a girl named Anastasia last Friday night and was anxiously waiting for a text from her. But it wasn’t a text at all. It was an email.
Good afternoon, Keith,
I have reviewed your CV and I must say, your work experience is outstanding. Our company is currently looking for a sales manager and I have reason to believe you would be a great fit for the position.
Best regards,
James
I gawked at it, confused. I had no idea who the sender was. I’d sent so many copies of my CV to various organizations that I wasn’t sure which one it was from. And what did he mean by ‘outstanding work experience’? I hadn’t kept a job any longer than a week! This had to be a joke.
But the email was addressed to Keith, and they’d attached a copy of the CV I’d apparently sent them. This was the first time anyone had ever called it impressive. Still, I suppose there’s a first time for everything, right?
I’ll admit – my curiosity peaked. I was interested to know what kind of company was actually eager to offer me a job, especially since I hadn’t outright asked for one. So I emailed him back.
hi james
i would b happy too
keith
Surprisingly, he responded within five minutes, detailing the date and time of the meeting. Honestly, I felt quite proud of myself and couldn’t wait to figure out how I could sabotage this one.
I ended up being handed the job as soon as I turned up. Now, normally there’s a certain period of time between being hired and actually starting, but to my dismay, this wasn’t the case. I was immediately assigned a computer and put to work. My boss James seemed like a decent individual. He showed me around the office and introduced me to the other employees. It was a much smaller establishment than I had expected, so I figured it would make getting sacked easier.
The company operated within the bounds of a single floor and had crammed their entire office space into one general area. There was also a single bathroom and a small kitchen. Aside from me, there were about ten other people working in the same room. Some of them looked quite eager to get to know their new colleague, but I didn’t care to chit-chat, as I was already busy plotting my escape.
I figured that the first thing I should try was taking off my shoes. A classic. I’d always loved seeing people’s reactions to the new guy nonchalantly walking around barefoot. Unfortunately, I hadn’t expected to start working so soon, and so I’d changed my socks that morning. Granted, it wasn’t going to be as effective without the smell, but I was going to give it a shot either way.
I stretched my legs out under the table, until my feet collided with those of a woman sitting in front of me.
“Oh!” she exclaimed, “Excuse me?”
“Yes?” I humored her, “How may I help?”
She stood up and shot me a resentful look.
“You can stop! That’s disgusting!”
I didn’t, of course, so she flounced off to James’ office. I was quite satisfied with my performance and expected to be on my way home within the next couple of hours. But the woman returned looking quite dismayed. She collected her papers and laptop and moved to a table at the opposite end of the room.
What? Wasn’t James going to come out and lecture me about office etiquette? I waited, but nothing happened. Apparently not. So, I decided to take initiative. I unbuttoned my shirt, allowing it to hang loosely off my body and sought James out myself, strolling into his office. Without knocking, naturally.
To my surprise, he looked quite pleased to see me and didn’t look at all put off by my fashion choices.
“How are you finding the workspace?” he asked, as soon as I barged in.
I gaped at him, unsure of what to say. Honestly, I hadn’t thought this far ahead. Why wasn’t he addressing my attire? Or even looking at it?
“Well, it’s quite comfortable. I feel quite…” I paused for effect, “Relaxed.”
He seemed happy with my answer.
“Well good! Let me know if you need anything!”
I returned to my seat dumbfounded. Surely, he had noticed my appearance. And the lady in front of me must have complained about my behavior, right? Right? Wrong. It wasn’t nearly good enough. I needed to step up my game.
Over the next couple of hours, I managed to clog the toilet, burn fish in the microwave, and smash one of the windows with a mug. I wasn’t particularly proud of that last one, but I was getting slightly frustrated with my efforts going unnoticed.
“Having fun?” James’ voice appeared out of nowhere, a few seconds after the mug shot through the glass.
I turned abruptly, fully prepared for a lecture and, fingers crossed, a sacking.
“Yes,” I gave him a cheeky smile, “It’s great!”
“That’s good,” he beamed, “Work should first and foremost be fun, wouldn’t you agree?”
What? What was he saying? I’d just broken one of his windows. On purpose!
“Er… Sure?” I managed, my smile faltering.
“In fact,” James said, grabbing a mug from the overhead cupboard, “I’d like to try too.”
He threw the mug forcefully at the only remaining window, shattering the glass into a million pieces.
“What the hell?” I blurted out.
He shot me an eager smile.
“What? You think you’re the only one who’s allowed to have fun?”
“Wait, so you’re not going to fire me?” my disbelief was apparent.
He looked quite taken aback.
“Fire you? Of course not! I haven’t had this much fun in ages!”
I didn’t know what to say. Clearly this situation was an exception, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I’d need to really maximize my output if I was going to sleep-in tomorrow.
Hold on. Sleep-in. Well, I could just do that, couldn’t I? If my antics couldn’t get me fired, then maybe sleep would. I went home that day feeling quite pleased with myself. How had I not considered this before? Surely, James would have to fire me if I simply didn’t turn up?
Before I even opened my eyes the following morning, I was already relishing in the missed calls and texts I had undoubtedly received. Surely, it was way past 9 o’clock, which was when I was expected to come in. I cracked my eyes open and tapped my phone, making the screen light up. It was 11:30. Right on, I thought to myself, before my gaze shifted downwards.
What? No missed calls? Didn’t he care whether I came in or not? Where were the threats, the ‘measures’ that would need to be taken if I didn’t show up within the next two minutes? This was totally unacceptable. What was I meant to do? Crash his car?
Huh. Well, that was certainly an option.
I jumped into my clothes and drove to the office building, fully intending to go through with my devious plan. I mean, there was no way in hell I wouldn’t get fired after doing something like that.
So, I did. In fact, not only did I crash into his car, but I also managed to scrape three others in the process. Cool. Four birds with one stone.
I didn’t even bother parking it. I just left it in the middle of the parking lot. I even considered leaving it running for maximum impact, but I didn’t want to get too cocky, in case the sacking process ended up being too long-winded.
However, when I swiped my card to get into the office, the entire floor seemed to be deserted. There were no sounds whatsoever, aside from the occasional drip from the kitchen tap. I turned the corner to see all the office chairs empty. There wasn’t a soul in sight. Despite this, all the computers were turned on. Strange. Had they all left for an early lunch or something?
Wait. Were they going to prank me like in one of those comedy skits? Was I being filmed? I scanned the room warily, looking for any signs of a camera, a misplaced phone, or any other recording device. But there didn’t seem to be anything amiss.
I contemplated whether I should text James or sit down and wait for someone to return. I decided on the latter, piling my legs onto one of the tables and pulling out my phone. Ten minutes passed. Twenty. Still, nobody came. Were we even supposed to come in today?
Hm. I got up and walked over to James’ office. Perhaps he’d been in there all this time, and I simply hadn’t noticed. Surely, he’d know where everyone is.
I didn’t bother knocking, obviously.
I wish I had.
In fact, I wish I had never even come in the first place.
Five bodies were sprawled on the floor. I gagged and doubled over, covering my nose and mouth with my sleeve. Through my watery eyes, I could see that the nearest one closely resembled the woman from yesterday. She was lying on her stomach and blood was seeping through her white shirt. Towards the back of the room, more bodies lay severed and lifeless, a putrid smell of iron radiating towards the ceiling.
There was a gasp.
Startled, I turned on my heel to see James standing right behind me. His brow was furrowed and mouth hanging open.
“What have you done, Keith?!”
My stomach lurched.
“What? I-“
“The police are on their way,” he said, placing a napkin over his face, “They’ll take care of this.”
“What?” my brain seemed to have ceased functioning.
“How could you do this?” James shook his head, “I mean, I knew you’d go to extremes, but this…”
“I-I- didn’t?”
And then I realized. It was him.
“It was you!” I shrieked, my pulse hammering in my neck, “You did this!”
He stared at me for a moment and then the corners of his mouth twitched.
“I’m not the bad guy here, Keith, who do you think they’re going to believe?”
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.
“This is beneficial for both of us,” he continued, in an even tone.
I stared at him, my eyes prickling.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He chuckled merrily and placed a hand on my shoulder.
“You’re fired.”