I woke up to the smell of bacon. I sat upright and noticed I had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I was in a room, there were no doors, and there was only one, strange window. Vertically it was small, just enough to peek through, but horizontally it was almost as large as the room. There was a flimsy table accompanied by two cheap chairs in the middle of the room.
I saw him. My husband. He was making food, hence the aroma of bacon. Strange I had not noticed him earlier. He turned around and looked at me with the same green eyes I had been missing for so long. I missed his gaze, his smile, that little smirk he would always have whenever he was deep in his thoughts.
“You’re… dead.”
His smile faded into a frown. “Dead? Honey, I’m right here. Was it a nightmare you had?”
I’m certain he died, but unsure what of. Suddenly it was all hazy. Did he die? Really? Was it just a nightmare?
“Please, come join me for breakfast. Perhaps it will clear your mind of that foul dream.”
His smile was radiant with the same warmth I missed for so long. The plate he offered to what I assumed to be my side of the table was decorated with the finest food I have ever seen, even to this day. There was something inexplicably intricate about the way it looked. It all was so ripe with colour, and the scent was heavenly. My mouth was supposed to water, yet it didn’t. Regardless, I took him up on his offer.
As I sat down at the table, he reached out and held my hand. The warmth reminded me that I had loved him dearly, so so much. I felt like I had gotten back what I had lost, like I had been wandering around in the mist and the sunny sky opened up to new hope.
“Did you rest well, my love?”
His voice soothed a cold emptiness inside me. I still am unsure where that emptiness came from.
“I’m not sure, but I am glad to be with you again.”
He looked longingly at me, as if he had lost me.
After breakfast, I asked about the room. He froze, as if he knew something I hadn’t. He almost seemed scared of the answer. He cleared his throat before standing up and walking over to the sink, which was in the corner of the room.
“Have you forgotten that this is our home?”
I looked at him in confusion. If this truly was our home, I’m sure I would’ve recalled it by then.
I silently went over to the single window, and peeked through. I saw a street full of colourful houses and grassy yards, where children played in the sunlight. They all seemed so joyful.
“Did something happen to me? For me to forget something such as our home?”
I awaited an answer from him, but received none. He just continued washing the two plates we had just used.
I inspected the room some more. Still no doors, and only the single window. The mattress on the floor was on the window’s side of the room. The sink was in the corner furthest from the mattress. The table and chairs were in the middle of the room, right under a single lightbulb which lit up the room. How were we to enter and exit such a room?
I peeked out the window once more to see that it was nighttime. I turned back to my husband. He looked at me sadly, telling me that he will miss me with all his heart. He shed a tear, wishing me a good night, before the lightbulb gave way to darkness and filled the room with black.
I called out for him, before accepting that we was somehow just gone. I felt around for the mattress, and faded into a deep sleep.
I was in a car crash.
My husband died of cancer.
He proposed on a beach.
I met him during high school.
I was born in 1994.
During my deep sleep, my entire life recollected bit by bit in my mind. My husband and I were both dead. He died 2 years before me. I had been a terrible person. I caused so much pain to my family and friends after I lost him. I gave in to darkness.
Then… where am I now that I’m dead?
I awoke to the room lit up again by the lightbulb.
A being, a presence, was standing in the room. It had no shape, it was not comprised of light nor darkness. It was a presence created purely by will.
It was a god.
“Your husband can now rest his soul, after seeing you one last time. Just as he had wished.”
“So… so does he go to heaven now? Do we go together?”
“There is no heaven, nor is there a hell. There is simply life, and the remnant of your soul after you pass away. I do not judge by my creations’ actions, or intent. After all, I granted you all free will, independant of my influence. I judge not. I simply speak to each and every being who passes on, human or not.”
“But… but what happens to my soul now?”
“That is the problem of free will, I’m afraid. Your souls are made up of nothing but your personal will, what you truly want, what truly drives you. Once your will is fulfilled, you may move on into nothingness, and rest eternally. If not, you shall have nothing to do except ponder about the room, wondering about your will. Your husband’s will was to see you one final time, therefore his soul remained here until you died. Now that his will is fulfilled, he has moved on, to eternal rest. It is as if his soul had never existed. He is no longer with us.”
“But… what… what about my will? What happens to me? Is my will fulfilled?”
“That is for you to choose. After all, it is free will. All you need to do is clear all doubts from your soul, that whatever it is you desire, is the one true thing you desire. As for now, it appears your will is yet to be fulfilled. Whatever it may be, I am unsure, as I have had to cut ties with you creatures to ensure full free will.”
“So you don’t know? You can’t help me? What happens now?”
The presence disappeared.
This had happened an eternity ago. I have been stuck in this room for generation after generation, having nothing but a rotting room, and a small peek into the living world. Each passing day, I feel emptier, more hollow, more devoid of who I once was. I finally realized what has lead me to such a demise:
My will. I am still in denial of dying, and passing on, and laying myself to rest. I still cling to the instinct of survival, despite ironically being dead. My will is to still remain alive, not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I had always imagined an afterlife of joy and wonder, but it did not come. I am simply here, forever, with no way out. My denial is unchanging, and it pains me to know that there must be millions of others in the same predicament. Denial of death, clinging to survival.
I wish to say that free will has become a terrible gift, but truly I do not know whether it is my fault, or the presence’s fault for intentionally cutting the bonds between it and us. Yet in a sense, it must’ve known that it surely trapped millions of its creations in eternal personal torment. It is a curse, and I truly ponder the reason why a being so ascended would ever need creation, or how it came to be in the first place.
All I have now, is myself, and some sort of connection to the living that I hope to use to warn the living. I hope for them to know that I am trapped, my soul has been struggling for an eternity, yet time seems to pass agonizingly slow in the living world.
I shall do whatever I can to try and prevent more people to suffer my fate.
Please, whoever may be seeing this, let go. Learn to find joy in what you have, and wish not to find what you desire, or what you once had. Let go.