I remember when I first fell in love with the ocean. I was 3 years old on my first holiday in Spain, and my parents had taken my brother and i down to the beach for the day. Now unlike most kids, I wasn’t focused on building sandcastles. As soon as I laid my young eyes on the Mediterranean Sea, my mouth was agape and I kept pointing out into this immense blue beyond that seemed to stretch out forever in front of me. My dad, seeing my complete awe, held my chubby little arms as he danced me down into the shallow surf. I don’t know whether it was the motion of the tiny waves lapping up against my legs, or the coolness of the salt water, but i was transfixed. I smiled and laughed as I blissfully played in the turquoise waters and cried when I finally had to leave.
After that I was hooked. My mum called me her little ducky as that’s how I took to the sea. “Like a duck to water” as the saying goes. Every family holiday from that point on, if we were by the sea, I was in it 50% of the time. As soon as I was old enough, I began snorkeling, but my thirst could not be quenched just by lying atop the water and looking down, I had to see what lay beneath.
I saved my pocket money and finally had my first scuba diving lesson when I was 8. And when I had time in the school holidays, quickly ascended the scuba levels of certification starting with Junior Scuba Diver, through Open Water diver, and onto Advanced Open Water Diver. After completing the AOW certification, where I experienced once in a lifetime things such as ship wrecks and night diving, I knew in my heart that this was what I wanted to do for a living. Although the slogan has been attributed to the likes of Confucius and Mark Twain, it still holds true “Find a job that you love, and you will never work a day in your life”
However that all changed when i was 12 and on my last family holiday. I was due to start my next scuba level, which was the rescue diver certificate, on the 2nd day of the holiday. But I was so eager to practice that I’d begged my mum to come down to the beach to have a quick swim with me. After much pleading, she finally relented and whilst my dad and brother played Frisbee on the beach, we waded out into the crystal clear waters. I started diving down and doing buoyancy drills but when I resurfaced, I realised my mum wasn’t near me. I panicked and looked around, but couldn’t see her anywhere. I cried out for her, frantically checking the beach but still no sign. I waved and shouted to my dad but as he was so far way, he didn’t understand that they were cries of anguish and just waved back. I dived down, and even though the salt water stung my eyes, I needed to see if she was there. But she wasn’t.
After a few minutes of relentless diving down and resurfacing, i gave up and swam back to shore, screaming with every breath above the surface. My dad finally, figured something was wrong, and had run in up to his waist to meet me.
“Where’s your mum Fi?” He asked wide eyed shaking my arms
“She’d gone dad, she’s gone. I looked everywhere, I don’t know…I don’t know” I cried
He shouted back to my brother Craig and told him to ring the coastguard.
“Ok calm down, go back to the shore with Craig, I’ll go have a look”
“But I can help…let me help” I replied through sobs
“Go back with your brother. You’ve done enough” he said sternly
As his last words sunk in, I shrank back and reluctantly returned to the beach.
The next few hours were a blur of tears and confusion. The coastguard boat had arrived within 10 minutes, along with a helicopter to begin the search. They combed several kilometers and continued until it was dark, but found nothing. In the end, they had to literally hold my dad back from going back in alone.
It wasn’t until the next morning that she was finally found by a dog walker, washed up with the high tide entangled in seaweed. Her death was deemed an accidental drowning with the cause being possible tidal rip current.
It’s been 9 years since that day and i haven’t dipped one toe into the sea since then. My dad and i are now estranged, and although he’s never said it, I know he blames me for her death. But I don’t blame him, as I do too.
After finishing my 2nd year in university, I had decided to take a year off and travel to East Asia to experience different cultures and cuisines. I had a great time backpacking through Thailand, and had met some really awesome like-minded people whilst staying in Cambodia. The 4 of us became fast friends, and i decided to join them when the idea of travelling to the Philippines came up. We partied hard in the capital Manila and one night, Paul suggested we all go on a liveaboard boat to one of the most remote diving destinations in the Philippines, the well renowned Tubbataha Reefs Natural Park. He conveniently had the brochure of the World Heritage site tucked in his shorts and, noticing our interest, pulled it out and started to read aloud about the “600 species of fish, the countless species of coral, the abundance of whales, dolphins, and even blood thirsty sharks.”
The other two were sold on the spot as soon as he had said the word ‘blood thirsty sharks’ even though we knew he’d embellished a little on the fishes culinary tastes. It didn’t surprise me though. From what I’d gleaned from our time together, we were all adrenaline junkies which I guess is why I took to them so soon after we met. I, on the other hand, wasn’t as eager to go as the others. They didn’t know about my mum yet, as I didn’t wanted to be showered with unnecessary sorrow and them feeling sad for me. The last thing I wanted on my enjoyable back packing holiday was pathetic thoughts and prayers.
After several extremely alcoholic drinks, and persistent peer pestering, i finally relented and decided that my mum, God rest her soul, would never want me to give up something I loved because of what happened.
We flew the next day from Manila to Coron and after spending a lot of time at Coron bay looking at potential boats and speaking with the captains, we all instantly fell in love with a small boat called “Tadhana” which translated to destiny in English. Very apt we thought.
The captain, Bayani, a small yet stout Filipino man, was extremely friendly and was so thankful that we chose his little boat, that he wouldn’t stop smiling and shaking our hands. We bid him farewell and arranged to meet him at the pier at 6am the following morning. An early night was in order, so instead of looking for the cheapest hostel as we had done in the past, we settled on a cheap hotel where we each had our own small rooms, and thankfully, its own bathroom. Which, if you’ve ever been backpacking in hostels, you’d know is pure heaven. Away from the usual snoring, drunken tourists and public toilets, I was finally able to have a lovely relaxing shower followed by a quiet uninterrupted night’s sleep.
Paul, Martina, Liam and I were at the boat just before 6 where Bayani introduced us to his son Dalisay, who was a certified PADI dive master and instructor. He was just as friendly and thankful as his father, and after the pleasantries, we set off for the reef.
Before our first dive that day, the instructor watched the 4 of us don our BCD’S (buoyancy control device), and helped each of us with our oxygen tanks as we went through the buddy safety check system.
The other 3 jumped in one by one and I was the last to go. I stepped up to the edge of the boat, made sure my mask and regulator were secure. But as I stared out to the sea, tsunami waves of anxiety hit me and I started to panic.
“Come on Fiona, the waters lovely” Liam shouted to me sarcastically whilst splashing water at the others.
I tried to compose myself, but my mind was racked with the events of that awful day in my past. I took some deep breaths and reminded myself that I was in control, not my fear or anxiety. I imagined myself back at my first bungee jump in Queenstown in New Zealand a couple of years back. I remembered looking out into the ravine, on a jump pod 134 metres above the ground, which itself was suspended by only ropes between the two Valleys. I’m not surprised that this would eventually lead to my constant craving of anything adrenaline fuelled. I remember the instructor looking me dead in the eye as I backed away from the edge reconsidering the whole idea and saying “Don’t think, just jump” Easy right? Well not to an avid procrastinator and over thinker. But, I thought, fuck it, worst think that could happen is I could die….and is that really the worst thing? I’d be back with my mum. So I followed his advice, I didn’t think, and I jumped.
So, aboard the good boat Tadyana, I did the same. As soon as I hit the water, something changed in me. I suddenly felt at home again. Like the water embraced me in a long awaited warm hug.
The next few days were a glorious reawakening of my love for diving. Bayani took us to several little reefs full of beautiful coral and multi-coloured fish. We were even lucky enough to see an enormous whale shark join us one day whilst diving, as well as witness a pod of dolphins squeak and playfully jump around as they followed the boat.
Our last day on the liveaboard was a night dive.
We double checked our torches on the surface, deflated our bcds and started to descend into the pitch black depths.
It’s weird but it’s only underwater that I can finally relax, and in that infinite black, where most people would be scared shitless, I embraced the darkness as a blanket on my own ocean bed.
We stayed together as we started exploring the reef, making sure to always keep checking on our buddy and frequently giving the “ok” sign to Dalisay. He frequently asked us for our oxygen levels every few minutes to make sure we were all good. After about 10 minutes, we were about 20 metres deep and I spotted a multi coloured nudibranch, which are kind of like tiny colourful sea slugs, clinging onto the edge of the coral. I looked back to make sure everyone’s was close by, and swam nearer to the iridescently beautiful mollusc to have a better look.
Suddenly a flash of blinding light encompassed the entire area and i closed my eyes to the brightness. It dissipated after a second or 2 and my eyes took another few seconds to re adjust. My torch light was still focused on the coral but the nudibranch had gone. The light must have frightened it back into a hole I reasoned. I hadn’t realised before now just how bleached the coral was. Fucking climate change I thought. It literally looked like a mesh of clean white bones
Confused about where that light had come from, I turned around to where the others were, or as I quickly found out, weren’t. They’d gone. Remembering my initial training, I tried not to panic, and decided that maybe they were just around the coral reef corner from where I’d been. But it bothered me that i should have still seen some kind of light coming from their torches, as visibility was still a good 2 metres with the torch, and they wouldn’t have just swam off without me. I circled the reef but just found more darkness in front of my small beam of light. Finally panic pushed its way through and set in hard. I looked up for the boat lights, but all i saw was bleak unending darkness. That was definitely strange as we hadn’t descended that far from the bright lights of the boats hull, and we couldn’t have drifted away from it as there was barely a current when we entered.
I thought my best bet was to ascend and get back to the boat. I began to inflate my BCD but I surprisingly didn’t rise. In fact, I didn’t move even when it was fully inflated. Why wasn’t I ascending? I checked my air, 22 minutes left. I looked up and saw pitch black, the same when I looked down. I’d lost my bearings, was I facing up or down? It felt like I was in space. I exhaled some bubbles from my regulator to see which way they rose, and was puzzled when they stayed exactly where they were, not rising or falling, but somehow slightly moving sideways.
Something was wrong, so wrong. Fuck the safety stop, I needed to get to the surface. I kicked my flippers and began swimming up through the darkness. When I’d past about 10 metres, I checked my depth gauge. It remained at 20 metres. There was still no light from above, even though by now I should have seen at least the moonlight as it had been a clear night when we dived in. I stopped and tried to think. Again I checked my air, it was now at 14 which meant I was going deeper not shallower.
There was a sudden movement to my left. I turned round but saw nothing. Then something swam past my right-side touching my right hand. It didn’t feel like a flipper, or tentacles, but like fingers. As my hand started to burn, I screamed in pain through the regulator and looked for the cause. Did I swim through a smack of stinging jellyfish? I swung the torch frantically like i was in a haunted house but there was nothing anywhere. Just a sea of emptiness. Maybe my mind was playing tricks. I’m just panicking and conjuring these things up I thought. As I was about to start swimming up again, something caught my eye just to the left of me. I shone my light but it only penetrated just up to whatever it was that I noticed. This thing floated there, on the edge of darkness. I couldn’t make out a size or colour, but it moved side to side, and I caught other tiny movement in my peripherals.
I felt burning again as more fingers touched the gap between my wetsuit and flippers. That was all the motivation i needed, I again swam up, or what I thought was up, so vigorously that if I had been lower than 40 meters when I started, I’d have easily got the bends after a minute or so.
When I thought the surface would never come, I finally broke it and quickly took off my mask and regulator to take a huge breath of sweet sweet oxygen. My face contorted and I immediately started coughing after inhaling. The air was rancid. I could hardly breathe. It smelt like methane too. I spun in 360 degrees searching for the boat but there was nothing all around me. I breathed in again and instantly vomited. I decided to put the regulator back in and checked my air. 4 minute. How was that possible? It then occurred to me that the water around me didn’t feel……right. As my hands flowed through it, it felt viscous. Like I was in the middle of an oil spill but it couldn’t have been that, as oil would just be on the surface. And this horribly slimy stuff I was swimming in, was everywhere both around and beneath me.
I tried to regain my composure and figure this out. It was at this point I looked up into the clear night sky and couldn’t believe how clear it was. The moon was huge and i could see the Milky Way so clearly. My eyes started to water from whatever the air was, and I instinctively wiped them before looking up again. It was then that I realised that it wasn’t actually the Milky Way i was looking at, it was a clear ring around the earth, the likes of what orbits Saturn. Whilst I tried to comprehend what I was seeing this, a second moon came into view.
How was this possible? Did I die somehow and now I’m in this horrible acrid sea of heaven….or hell?
I saw a light in the distance and waved and yelled to get their attention. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as it started to head towards me. I kept my beam focused on it to show them the way, and when it was about 20 metres away, the torchlight glinted off what looked like an eye….and a tooth. A sharp…. Fucking…. tooth.
Just the thought of the mouth that could hold hundreds of the same tooth had me deflating my BCD, and swimming back down beneath the surface. I had a choice of either getting eaten by the surface dweller, choke in methane fumed air, burn to death by the shadow under the water or run out of oxygen and drown. Wow, the choices were as endless and bleak as the sea surrounding me.
My life, my choice I thought and I picked death by asphyxiation. Hopefully I’d get hypoxia and go brain-dead before drowning, or maybe that’s what I was already experiencing and the symptoms for that were confusion and disorientation. I swam down for what seemed like hours but I knew was only minutes. I checked my oxygen. It was on 0. My last few breaths tasted like metal. I wondered if oxygen tanks were like car fuel tanks where they say you’re at 0 but you’ve still got a good 5 miles to go. I prayed that was the case. My head started to pump when it wasn’t getting any oxygen. I felt those alien fingers grab my flipper. I reached down with one hand and successfully unlatched it whilst still scrambling to swim down with the other.
My head was getting foggier. There was no more air coming through the regulator. I spat it out and kept swimming down. The darkness enveloped my body as it also enveloped my mind. My movement started to slow and I was about to give up when I heard my mums voice calling me.
“Bit more little ducky, just a bit more”
Somehow, hearing her voice made me muster the last bit of strength I had left, and flapped down with my arms and gave one more big frantic kick with both flippers.
This was it. Death surrounded me and I was about to let it in. I opened my mouth to welcome it…….just as another bright flash blinded me again.
I waited for the water to fill my lungs when surprisingly air did. I opened my eyes and saw Dalisay in front of me holding his secondary regulator in my mouth. I breathed in deeply as he held me and kicked upwards. I looked up and saw boat lights. Sweet beautiful light. I felt like a moth being guided to the flame and finally passed out as we resurfaced.
When I came about, I was on board, and i tried to explain what happened but the others just thought it must have been nitrogen narcosis. I didn’t bother arguing, I know what I saw was real. As real as the 7 thin finger like burns on my hand and ankle.
I cut my trip short after that. Said my goodbyes to my friends and made up the excuse that I was homesick but I would keep in touch and hopefully meet up with them again in a few months, but I knew I was lying. I was done travelling for the foreseeable future.
My brother picked me up from the airport and even though he tried to talk to me about my travels, I barely said a word the whole trip back to my university halls. As he lifted my backpack from the boot and handed it to me, he held it as I grabbed it and looked into my eyes
“Are you ok fi? All I’ve had from you in 2 hours is yes and no’s. I thought you’d be regaling me with all your drunken antics and sightseeing stories, trying to make me jealous. This isn’t you. Let me know what’s wrong? I can help. I’m your brother for fucks sake”
“I’m fine kev, I’m just jet lagged and really tired honest. I’ll speak to you tomorrow, thanks for the lift”
I gave him a half-hearted hug and went up to my room where I lay on my bed and cried myself to sleep.
For the next few weeks, I barely went out as depression started to set in. I searched the internet for any stories like mine, but most were just fiction and the ones that were a tiny bit similar, had been deemed as nitrogen narcosis. Although one thing i did keep coming back to. The word Thalassophobia. Fear of the ocean. I knew I was now stricken with this fear as every time I thought about what happened, I’d hyper ventilate and my anxiety would sky rocket. Just thinking about the sea as a whole would do the same. I stopped answering my phone to my friends and my brother and as the weeks went by, the concern in their texts grew. The knocks on the door went unanswered too. I just couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t explain what I’d been through. I thought I was going crazy and maybe I was. Dark thoughts started to enter my head about just ending it all.
One night i awoke sweating from another ocean nightmare to a loud knocking on the door. I was about to put my headphones in and ignore it when I heard the voice
“Fi, please open up, it’s me”
It had been so long since I heard that voice, I thought I was still dreaming
“Fi, please, I’m really worried about you”
I tentatively walked to the door and looked through the eye hole and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I quickly unbolted the door and swung it upon to see my dad standing there with a half grateful and half worried look on his face.
“Dad…oh dad” I started crying as I fell into his arms
“It’s ok, I’m here. We’re going to be ok, I promise” He whispered and held me as tight as he used to when I was a child. So very tight, with his 7 fingered hands.