Help! How do I keep an inhumane creature from murdering every single idiot?!
This is not a joke, I really do have this problem. I’m the current owner of a land that sits between the borders of two worlds. And on the other side are inhumane creatures that are dangerous to us. My family has been the protectors of this land for countless generations.
We do, however, have some inhumane help as well. And her name is Charlie. I swear she solves all of her problems with violence! Nor does she speak, using her telepathy to do so instead.
In fact, the rules were created to reduce the death rates to keep the authorities off our case! And people still disappear in the land every day. At least it’s only idiots.
In the land, my family owns a mansion that is close to the woods, but far enough to be away from the inhumane portions. And Charlie lives in the mansion with us. Her living quarters are in another domain (her words, not mine) though, and that’s mutually beneficial for everyone involved. To everyone else outside of the family, she is a mythical figure in the land.
Only the heir will live in the mansion when the time comes. There are other normal houses nearby for the rest of the family to live in. Because the mansion also exists in the other plane, and well… No one wants to turn the mansion into a death zone given that Charlie lives there.
The general area is more like wilderness. There is the forest, lakes, and other areas. The mansion is on the forest border and is within walking distance of the Mushroom Grove. The entire area’s natural resources replenish at an unnaturally fast rate regardless of how much is taken.
How did I meet Charlie? This happened a few years ago. At the time, I was in the Grove picking edible mushrooms when she decided to show up. I was alone in the grove and suddenly Charlie decided to appear out of thin air next to me!
”Charlie! What are you doing here!”, was the first thing that came out of my mouth when I noticed her. Along with nearly jumping a foot in the air. I knew of her ever since I was told stories. Everyone in my family gets told about her, and that one day she will pick who she chooses to serve. There’s no rhyme or reason that anyone can figure out, so they just let her decide for herself. She’s worked with our family for generations, and she always picks the right heir for the job. And it has been noticed that gender is not a concern for who she picks.
The general details of her always come down to the following: Dressed in reds and armed with threads and a bladed lance. A voiceless guardian of the lands whose loyalty to the heir is unquestionable. But she always picks who the heir will be at the right time.
And thus I was chosen from my generation.
“Hello Rhea. A new protector is needed for this land. And it is you. Carry on with your day, I’m just ensuring that everyone knows about my claim on you”. She spoke to me with telepathy and I heard her very clearly.
I did not get much of a choice. For the rest of the time I was at the Grove, she just stood guard while I was foraging. On the way back home, she followed me until the door closed behind me. What stood out was her weapon. A thin bladed lance with the blade as tall as her height, with another foot of handle attached. Her weapon is literally taller than she is!
Some time had passed and I was doing paperwork and important work online. The silence was broken by the sounds of screaming. By now, I had gotten used to the sounds of screaming idiots followed by Charlie’s pursuit. The silver lining is that paperwork is never a concern, and that’s good enough for me!
I posted this because I’m tired of getting random skulls sent to me. Apparently she ate the formerly alive idiots and saved their skulls. To resolve a few missing persons reports. So she can go back to murdering more idiots. Again. This happens at random intervals. I think the police are now wondering why I keep finding random human skulls now.
That’s not the scariest part. I was unfortunately a witness to one of her killings. It happened a while ago, and I am utterly terrified of what she’s capable of. We were doing another round of patrolling the grounds for trespassers. I was driving the old pickup truck used for patrols. It is hideous with a terrible case of rust, but works as if it’s new. While driving around, I noticed a gate, one that no one ever opens. Not even Charlie will open it! Because the gate is covered in various wards and holy symbols to ward off inhumane beings. The symbolism of it being closed suffices. So, I pulled over and got out to take a look. Turned out, that’s when an idiot ran past me, with Charlie behind him who cursed him out in her native language. I recognized the tone that she used, universally used for angry swearing and profanity.
Suddenly, she threw her lance and skewered the idiot, before reeling it back to her right hand. Thread was attached to the handle of her lance, and I saw that there was a small loop to attach said thread to on the end of the handle. Without a second thought, she ran up to him and sliced his left arm off. The entire time, he was screaming and trying to flee. She just swallowed his arm whole and repeated the process for every limb, before her shell broke open. Her shell that contains her being? Body? Whatever it is. The living darkness casually consumed the man one bite at a time like it was a calm sunday afternoon for her. By then, I had returned to the truck and watched from there. The whole time, I was shaking and my heart rate was rapidly going; unable to take my eyes off the horrific scene. What did he do to offend her? I knew she was an inhumane creature from the stories and no one ever tried to claim otherwise, but to see it in person was far more terrifying. Powerful, yet so casual about it. She intentionally hid her full strength just because she did not need to exert any more effort in eating her snack.
That’s when she finally saw me shaking in the truck and swallowed the rest of the man, still screaming on the way down her throat. It took a moment for her to stuff herself back into her shell before looking like her usual self. I suppose it’s the fact that she chose me which allowed me to watch without my mind being subject to unknown horrors in the process.
She took a moment to think, shrugged and then replied in a very offended tone.
“He tried to share the location of this land on the internet! And opened the gate.”
I could hear how offended she was, and I agreed with her there. A resigned response came from me, “Just clean up enough so that no one suspects another murder alright? I’m heading back!”
Charlie nodded and went to work cleaning up the blood and gore with well practiced maneuvers. And she did remember to close the gate. Along with locking it and keeping it closed with more threads and separate locks. I’m pretty sure she threw the keys into the void of the mansion, because I could not find the keys. And I looked! I drove back home and went to my office to do paperwork.
As far as I’m concerned, she saved me a headache of having to remove information on the internet about where this land is! That happened today and while typing this I saw her launch herself to the roof of the mansion with her threads. So I know where she is for now. Not much happened today, and only one man went missing (he decided that chasing an inhumane being that was not Charlie was a great idea. Into the deep woods). Well, no one knows where he is now! Which is a good day. She usually kills way more idiots on average on a weekly basis in very creative ways that I refuse to explain. I just see the aftermath these days. She’s considerate enough to make sure I don’t directly witness her idiot massacres.
But it turns out that maybe the idiots are scarier than Charlie. I’m wondering if she has the right idea on her policy regarding persistent idiots now. Someone had the oh so great idea of trying to summon something via a demonic ritual. And it was terrible for everyone involved, including Charlie.
People do visit the land, but very few do due to the multiple warning signs that this is a bad idea. Between Charlie (most people cite this as the reason alone), inhumane sightings, and more, most people don’t stick around long enough to find out if the rumors are true or not. They usually leave the area faster than when they entered.
We (Me and Charlie) both suspect that the land attracts people though an unspecified means. Which is not fun for the both of us.
Somehow, an idiot and his equally stupid friends did not get that memo and were able to quickly set up a demon summoning ritual. Fortunately, it was within running distance of the mansion. Unfortunately, the idiots were able to actually partially summon an inhumane creature.
The creature was huge in size, with a gaping mouth. Within it, multiple tongues came out and tried to attack the summoners and Charlie. The summoners were hit and became inhumane monster food, save for one. Tongues that were soon sliced to pieces thanks to Charlie. That’s when I ran over in an attempt to disrupt the summoning. Clocking in speeds that exceeded normal human speeds and with vision superior to normal human sight, I was able to close the gap.
The creature saw me, and several tongues lashed out in my direction. You see, my vision is far better than what I can react to. Much like video game lag, but constant and unfixable if you will. I’ve learned to get around this. The first few tongues were barely dodged as I zig zagged around those in the most efficient pathway possible. Charlie was in the sky throwing her bladed lance around like a deadly flail, trying to kill the creature. It was raining inhumane blood from her damage alone. Of the few glances I caught while barely dodging the attacks; it was like she was dancing in the air with lethal grace. As if she had done this her entire life.
When I was finally able to get close enough to damage the summoning circle, it was glowing an ominous blood red in color. On the way, I grabbed a stick about as tall as I was and dragged it on the ground. Hoping for the stick drag trail to at least break up the symbol. While dodging more incoming attacks. The creature was not happy about me doing that, and it became painfully obvious that Charlie could not kill it for good as long as the circle was active. I saw her try to cut the creature’s head off with her weapon and it did not work!
A fight in two domains. And I kept dragging the stick. Slowly but surely, the symbol’s glow started to dim as the outline got broken apart. But a mass of tongues was descending upon me as I was doing this. Judging by the blood splatters that landed near me, Charlie was trying to stall the monster on her end.
It was just enough effort on both of our parts to end this creature’s existence in the human domain. The blood proved to be a great asset in disrupting the symbol, and I smeared the blood further with my stick.
And just as the tongues were about to hit me overhead, the symbol stopped glowing and now looked like spray paint on the ground. At the same time, Charlie was finally able to behead the monster with razor wire like threads. I got drenched in inhumane blood as she landed with ease. The body faded out of the physical plane rather than falling apart like a normal body.
“Are you ok? Please tell me none of the attacks actually made contact! The blood won’t harm you but I HIGHLY advise that you take a hot shower and stick your soiled clothes in hot water. For an hour. And then let me clean it for you. Trust me, inhumane blood like this is hard to get out of clothing!” I heard the capitalization of that one word!
She sounded genuinely worried, so I reassured her that I was fine but it was all close calls and well timed dodging. With some luck thrown into the mix. And that’s when I suddenly fell to the ground. Charlie caught me and carried me back to the mansion. I waited for the venom to leave my system. That took about half an hour or so. Turns out, whatever those tongues were coated in do bad things to humans in hindsight.
“Correction: A few tongues DID graze you, but thanks to your resistance it will naturally wear off over time. Your usage of your sight and speed was very impressive given your lack of experience. Next time though, bring a weapon! Even a loaded gun would be better than nothing.”
Ok, I admit that she has a point about me bringing weapons to an inhumane fight. A blessed gun sounds like a good idea on paper. Now, finding a priest willing to bless a gun is going to be much harder.
She deals with the inhumane front, I deal with the human front. That has always been the terms of the contract with my family.
Oh and the fate of that lone survivor from the summoning incident? Charlie took care of him. I did not ask what happened because we both knew the answer. She just pointed to herself to answer and that was good enough for the both of us. As far as I know, he disappeared on the land and no one knows where he is.
Anyways, I guess this is all I’m posting for now. Because I’ve learned that Charlie is the second scariest creature in this land. And that I do not want to see Charlie outside of her shell again. The first is idiots with enough motivation and equally idiotic friends. I’m starting to understand why Charlie has a very low tolerance for idiots in general. And maybe I might just let her kill those morons more often (Charlie, please don’t take this seriously in the case that you read this post).