“WE’RE LOSING HIM!”
I could hear sirens and people shouting as I tried to find feeling in my body. It seemed like all of of my nerve cells decided to stop functioning
“Step on it, we need to get him into surgery fast.”
I heard still trying to comprehend what had happened. It was obvious that something was wrong. Between the lack of feeling in my body and the world turning blurry I was sure that I’d been in some sort of accident.
As I began an attempt to search through my memories to understand what had happened, the blurry sights began to fade into nothingness. It felt as though I was sinking down a bottomless pond and what I would perceive as reality become a circle that was slowly shrinking
Panic started to set in as my thoughts attempted to race, still stunned by whatever had gotten me to this point. Even so, the hole did not stop shrinking. My vision continued to shrink until I felt like I was miles away from my consciousness, until finally… everything went dark.
Now, explaining what happened next is challenging, I had nothing: no body, no heart, no brain. I couldn’t hyperventilate, I couldn’t feel anxiety, I couldn’t feel panic, but of course this wasn’t something that I exactly enjoyed. This ineffable experience continued on for what felt like both years and seconds until suddenly… I was standing again
How, I don’t know, I looked for hands and feet, but found nothing, I was sure I was standing, but I didn’t know how. It didn’t seem like I had any appendages, but I could feel softness under me, and a temperature that I couldn’t consider warm or cold, simply, I’d call it perfect
Actually, perfect could describe everything in the place I’d found myself in. Under me seemed to be what I could describe as “cloud like.” Above there was a whiteness that was more pure than anything I’d ever seen in my life, however staring at it caused no pain to whatever sense organ I was using to see through.
Looking around, it wasn’t empty either. There were creatures, I don’t know whether to call them large or average, my perception wasn’t consistent. At times they seemed like they were towering 10-15 feet high, and other times they would be no larger than a normal person you’d see anywhere
The creatures had no clothing… actually, I don’t know how to go about describing them. Although I wish I could say they were humanoid, that wouldn’t be accurate, nor would it be accurate to say they had fur, or scales, they simply existed, outside the scope of my comprehension.
They seemed to be communicating, and radiating what I could only describe as peace. They all seemed content, like what I imagine an enlightened person would exude.
Seeing all of this I came to the only logical conclusion that my small, finite mind could find for this infinite space. I’d died and gone to heaven. This place of bliss and perfection. I’d assumed the other beings were angels
As my mind pondered whether I should be glad I got to heaven or whether I should be upset that I was dead… the beings noticed me. They didn’t seem surprised, upset, or disconcerted, but my presence seemed to become known to them
Soon after, the ground beneath me seemed to start lifting, and when I say lifting I don’t mean like something you’d see at a concert where the musician is slowly raised up, no, I mean I started going upwards at a speed that may as well be called teleportation.
Once the movement ceased, I was confronted with another being. This one absolutely massive, giving off a sensation of absoluteness, a feeling of infinity, another ineffable feeling that I could only assume can only be experienced on the edge of or after death.
As I stared with absolute awe at the being, I heard a voice
“Hello, little one, what brings you here?”
Said a gentle voice that seemed to come from everywhere outside my ears and inside my mind. Although it was intense, it wasn’t frightening at all, quite the opposite, actually.
“I’m not sure, I think I died… Are you… God?”
The cloudy ground seemed to appear once more along with my body. I didn’t notice it come back, but suddenly I could see my arms and legs once more. Feeling my body it seemed like everything was there in one piece.
Looking up, I found that there was a man, dark in complexion wearing the purest of white garments on his body. His hair was white and his face had wrinkles. He felt like a warm old man that you’d see feeding pigeons in a park.
He had a gentle smile on his face that felt like it could provide solace to the most tortured human alive.
“This may be more comfortable for you.” The man spoke, the tone now sounding as it would in any conversation.
His voice was soothing, as every other aspect of him was
“And to answer your question, yes, I do suppose you would call me God, the Divine Spirit, Allah, The Spaghetti Monster, even.” He said smiling.
“Allah? Were the Muslims the one’s that got it right then?” I asked. I hadn’t practiced my religion very much, but I was a firm believer in the Islamic faith. A part of me sparked up. Like the feeling when a professor confirms the answer you had in your head of a question they’d just asked.
“Well, little one—actually, I suppose we’re both little now,” he said chuckling a bit.
He started over, “Well, son, I would venture to say that they were all correct, at least, they all had at least some parts right. Even the word of God can be twisted.”
I was a bit confused by this. But of all the questions swirling around my mind the first one to reach the surface was
“Is this heaven?”
“I suppose that would be an apt description. It definitely isn’t much like the other place described in those old texts, is it?” He smirked
The elusiveness of his answers continued to bring questions to my mind. “You said the words of God can be twisted, how can that be? Aren’t you eternal, a being of omnipotence and benevolence. How can man be allowed to change your word?”
His smile didn’t fade, however, with those questions his face did seem to turn from a calm warm smile to a smile masking some sadness—a smile hiding the thoughts of a time that cannot be brought back.
“Son, you call me omnipotent and benevolent, and I do suppose that I had those things written within those books to describe me. However, how can you make that claim after living in the world?
You saw poverty, war, torture, murders, pain. Some scholars of atheism argued that ‘if there is war, god is not all benevolent, if God cannot prevent war, then he is not omnipotent.’
Although most religious people hand-wave this argument and claim that I merely “have a plan” for everyone. And that everything would always end up right in the end… Those Aethists’ argument is a valid one to consider, is it not?”
My confusion grew and unease began to creep into my stomach, “it sounds like you’re trying to disprove yourself.” I laughed nervously
“Well, you can see me right here, so disproving myself would be a bit challenging. Son, I suppose that I am, as you would say, “omnipotent.” Benevolent… well, that’s a hard one.
You see, my desires and intentions were always happiness for all of the beings I created. It began with the angels, which are indeed what you saw before I brought you here. They are content, satisfied, creating them was lovely, and their joy is wonderful. However, their will is not as free as yours.
Sure, it’s not completely pre-determined, but they don’t have the same capacity to feel and experience that I bestowed upon you humans.
Although my intentions were benevolent, the result of creating you wasn’t what I’d intended. It’s why I wrote and sent down so many messages. Although you’ve all gravitated into the main three factions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, each book was an attempt to guide you all on the right path. Many attempts for everyone to be happy
Even those that didn’t follow the books and went down the path of Daoism, Buddhism, or Hiduism. They found the underlying positivity, acceptance and contentment that I folded into the universe when they become enlightened.
I said my words could be twisted, as they can, your free will allows you to take the things I’ve said and either interpret it in a way I never intended or append things to it that I never said. This is why there’s so many sects of Christianity, why they all have such radically different teachings and practices. I didn’t make that many for variety, you know.
I sent those teachings down trying to bring everyone happiness. The story of the first people Adam and Eve would teach something like honesty, the things I did for who you would call the prophets such as splitting the ocean, they were meant to reinforce the belief of my teachings. And simply prove my existence.
If everyone believed in God, in me, and they believed they would be punished if they didn’t behave quote on quote ‘properly,’ then they would follow the teachings. I even tried to start over with that flood at some point.
I’m not sure if you ever noticed, but if you look at most religions, the end story of most of them isn’t to be a pious nut, although some people took that route, the moral of most of those books—at least the one’s that haven’t been so twisted—is simply to be decent.
Don’t do things that are bad for you and care about your fellow humans.”
I was bewildered, unaware of how to process any of this. God was saying that he’d tried to give us happiness. To give everyone pleasure, was he saying that our suffering is our fault? As though reading my mind he continued
“I gave you free will. That is the hall-mark of your human race. Although you can theorize and philosophize about not having free will and the pre-determination of everything even that is an act of free will.
My omnipotence allowed me to give you that free will, to create not only a planet but an entire universe for all of you. Now, if I were to fix all of your problems, then your decisions would no longer be yours, then you would no longer have free will.
I may be reasonably benevolent and omnipotent, however, using that omnipotence to destroy the entire reason that I created you lot in the first place didn’t seem right. I could by force change your entire evolution, biology, and psychology to make everyone happy forever, however, that, quite simply, goes against the point of your alls existence.”
At this point I didn’t know whether or not my mind was racing or it was blank with shock. I was baffled and was at a complete loss for words, but I managed to stammer out the denial trying to protect my mind and my beliefs
“Then what about me? Didn’t I make it here to heaven? Doesn’t that mean that good and evil actions are still judged? Doesn’t that mean that I’m good?”
“Son…” He said with a touch of sympathy
As the once white sky became black and my entire life played out before me…
I saw everything. Although I did make people laugh and smile. Although I did help people, I donated to charity sometimes. I saw the amount of pain and suffering I’d brought people in my life. I saw the amount of rage I caused. I saw every moment in my life that I hurt someone, either by accident, on impulse, or by choice.
I knew I wasn’t the best person, I’d tried to turn things around, and watching my life I did make progress, but, it was clear, if I watched this movie of my life and tallied up my positives and negatives…
And then we got to the end, the moment that lead me here… I wasn’t caught in an accident… I caused it. It was late and I was driving home. I thought I was close enough that I could text a colleague back about a question they’d asked… There was a teenage girl, she was definitely injured but this was a replay of my life, I just saw myself attempting to jerk the wheel and running into a tree as the film stopped. I saw all of this in real time in what felt like both eternity and minutes
I slowly turned back to the figure of God
“Why am I here?” I choked out as tears streamed down my face.
“Well, son. In all honesty, the whole burning in fire thing wasn’t true. I never created a being whose sole purpose was to lead you humans astray. Nor did I create a place to torture you bloody after you’d died. That was mostly written as an attempt to sway you to choose to do good… But it didn’t work.”
He took a deep breath… sighed, and said what it seemed he’d been holding onto.
“Honestly, I also don’t know why you’re here. This place has been closed off to your race for a long time. I haven’t spoken to or seen any of you for many years. Seeing your kind slaughter each other for ages… I had enough once I saw you lot decide to drop a bomb with the level of devastation you’d see written in one of my books.
You all have the capacity to take over the stars in the wide universe I gifted you, yet you spent more time considering how to kill each other than how to prosper as a species. Since then… I knew I’d failed. I couldn’t stop the direction that your race was going.
It doesn’t make me proud to say this but I’d left you to your own devices ever since. Although I’m a being of hope, I do check in here and there, but I haven’t done so in decades.
This place isn’t open to your kind anymore.”
My mouth was agape from what I’d just heard
“You abandoned us..?” I squeaked out, tears still rolling down my face
He seemed to have trouble holding my gaze as he nodded an affirmation
We stood there, for what seemed like ages. Both at a loss of words…
He then looked at me, smiled the same sad smile from earlier and said,
“Though, it seems it is not your time yet.” As he said this my body began fading. I looked at him again as he spoke once more
“I know you may not have the desire to listen to me anymore, but, I did, and still do love all of you. I do hope you’ll continue on and be kind. The girl you hit is alive, and she will need support in the future.
I’ll check in on you all again one day, and I hope as much as any of you that you use your powers for prosperity and celebrations rather than destruction and commiserations. Then can these gates be opened for you once more.
I love you, little one.”
He left me with two more words before everything once more sank into darkness and I woke up with a jolt in a hospital bed.
I saw a nurse switching out an IV bag
“The girl.” I creaked out, my voice hoarse
The nurse jumped, startled by my lucidity. And stared at me
I tried again, “The girl, I hit, is she okay?”
She seemed to ignore me and quickly called for a doctor.
The surgery was rough, I had glass puncture a number of places in my body, notably my abdomen and a small nick on my neck that was causing me to bleed out quite quickly. After surgery they said that I should make a full recovery
The nurse let me know that the girl I hit was ok. And once I was able to walk around, I was able to see her.
Her name is Rina, 16. She had just run away from abusive parents after a fight, the extent of that abuse… well that’s another day’s story. As her luck would have it though, after escaping that situation she almost got ran over by me. It seems I was able to avoid fatally hitting her and was able to swerve into the tree. Luckily it was no more than a fractured arm, a sprain, and of course cuts and bruises.
God’s words to me echoed in my head, “she will need support in the future.” I’d decided to adopt her after she told me she had no intentions of returning home. After contacting CPS the process was met with little resistance from her parents and her (after apologizing quite profusely about the whole almost running her over thing).
I got her enrolled in another high school to finish her sophomore year as well as therapy for the trauma from all the years of abuse.
Taking care of her has been… an experience, the trauma makes her not very combative. However, it has brought me joy, she’s a good kid and is pretty bright.
Without her… I don’t know what would’ve happened.
I’d believed in God for my entire life. I’d believed that after death there would be… something for me. I was never too hopeful about getting to heaven without some burn marks. But now that I’m sure that, at least within my lifetime, there’s only darkness after death… If not for having someone else’s life in my hands now, I can’t say I wouldn’t have called it there
Although if I told anyone this story they would call it an illusion or a dream of some sort, I know you all will believe this. God has abandoned us, and it does hurt, even then…
I still think about the last words God left with me, and I hope they stay with you too, as it may be our only hope in winning back the sympathies of our creator: