The road was dark and empty, just the way I like it. Stations cutting in and out. I adjusted the knob. A preacher took hold of the airwaves.
Hey you, you in that beat-up car driving all alone on another one of your sulking jaunts. Does the sight of your own flesh make you squeamish? Are you afraid to show yourself in front of others? Do you consider yourself ugly? Well, the Lord does not judge you. The Lord believes everyone is beautiful, and if you still don’t believe it, we can help show you just how beautiful you really are.
I turned up the volume.
The Gorgbod! One pill is all it takes to bring your beauty to the surface. One pill to peel back your onion of doubt and reveal the beauty within your core. If you place your order in the next ten minutes, shipping costs will be waved. Just call…
I pulled over and dug for a pen out of the glovebox. After scribbling down the number on my arm, I made the call. I glanced at myself in the rear-view mirror; I felt like gouging my eyes out. I wasn’t overweight. I wasn’t skinny. Just an average-sized dude dealt an ugly hand. Standing out in a crowd for all the wrong reasons.
The package showed up on my porch the following morning. Only one pill; I was expecting more. I downed it with a glass of water and took a seat on the couch, praying that the pill would work wonders. Anything to make me feel a little more attractive and confident, even if it was smoother skin.
My face turned hot. I pressed my hand against my forehead; pools of sweat drizzled down. A weightlessness made me feel like I was floating. I extended my arms out in front of me. My skin slowly changed color to a dark red. Unable to move, I just sat there and let the drug run its course.
And then an excruciatingly painful throbbing started in the back of my throat, like a reverse shit, as if my lungs had become my asshole. A sharp scrape through my trachea. My mouth stretched open, and two crimson horns jutted out from my mouth.
My tears, just a bucket trying to put out a forest fire. The horns slid across my cheeks and rose to the top of my head. I still felt powerless and stuck on the couch. My eyes twitched and circled up and down, back and forth. The skin on my body sagged and bubbled. I wailed as my flesh cascaded down to the floor like an avalanche of skin.
The feeling returned to my arms and legs. I stood up and walked to the mirror. A short and stocky old man walked through my front door. With a gardening hat concealing his small head, my attention was drawn to the logo on the white shirt just beneath his red suspenders: Gorgbod.
“My oh my, I am standing in front of the Devil himself. And I am here to cast him out. They call me a miracle worker.”
“What have you done to me?” I yelled.
“Now don’t you see, son. You didn’t appreciate what you had. You didn’t appreciate you. All of God’s children are beautiful. But it’s on you to see it, to believe it. I shall banish this evil you have become. And you will remember this day, the day your life forever changed.”
The man took a vial out of his pocket and flicked water at me. Within a minute, my appearance in the mirror returned to normal.
“Leave, please just leave and never come back.” I plopped down on the ground and buried my face in my hands.
It was a harrowing experience that I can’t quite figure out. Was there an actual supernatural element at play? Did I witness a miracle? Or was I just given a hallucinogen? It may be time to re-consider my definition of ugly.