This a theory that proposes a individual is stuck in wonderland when he or she becomes completely engulfed by their surroundings with every foreseeable future leading straight back to the same place mentally. What I mean by engulfed is that their livelihood is solely dependent on the workings of the environment that this individual is located in. Whether it be class, society, nature or finance. If you are stuck in wonderland, it means that every alternative path that doesn’t lead back to “wonderland” is blocked and only outside sources can divert you onto a differing path. In the end, you always end up in the same place mentally as if though you never left.
I’ve tried to disprove this theory ultimately by doing whatever I can to get out of my town. I’ve saved up enough money to buy a plane ticket to California, not that I hate my town, I just got really sick of being treated the way that I am. An outcast, a lonely outsider, the people here just seem to stare but not out of ignorance but out of caution and suspicion. I’m not a scary person I just don’t have the nicest face I guess. Moving to California the people here are much friendlier, especially in downtown San Francisco. Have you tasted the toast there? Anyways, moving back to my theory. I changed everything about myself as a person. I smile more, I dress different, I smell different, hell even my demeanor has changed slightly but subtly more noticeable. I’m a cheerier person and as a cheery person I seem to attract like-minded people. When I feel like a normal nice person, it really can change the way you think! Finances are difficult however, it’s been difficult managing when the rent here is sky high due to inflation. I met this woman while on the subway to the parlor I work at. She was wearing a loose fitting yellow dress adorned with sewn in sunflowers and a marigold colored hat. Despite the clearly well embellished posh outfit and serenity of her aura, she just seemed to stare outwards. I approached her with a cheery expression, a little “how do ya do!” deal, well obviously I wasn’t going to be off putting so it was much more casual than that but you get the picture. She was looking down when I approached her, but once I offered a greeting, she seemed to tense up a little bit slowly lifting her head so that I could see the sharpness of her jawline pointing straight at me. A beautifully freckled face and pale blue eyes sullenly striking in the subway smog.
“Hello!” She replied.
“How are you this afternoon? Miss-uhh”
“Cheryl.” She replied.
“Ah, Cheryl, lovely day for it i’nt it?
“Mmmhm” She replied.
“Well, I’m off now, tata!”
“Bye then.” She replied.
Oh Cheryl, a lovely woman with a cold demeanor and downward gaze. I want to share the joy I’ve collected with you. Perhaps your cautious gaze is a result of your unhappiness? If the wonderland theory is true, I can make you as happy as I. We met everyday after that, despite my efforts at small talk, she only seemed to reciprocate her own personality. My cheery demeanor, her distinguished, sullen and cold expressions countering it. Oh but she was a blessing, the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. One day, I decided to bring up something on my mind.
“Hi again Cheryl, it’s me.” I said.
“Oh hello again!”
“So, today’s a day that you’ll be free right?” I said.
“Correct, well, after my shift yes.”
“Why don’t we go out sometime? I just rented a car, I can pick you up!” I said.
“Yes, that sounds lovely, but are you sure? It’s quite the luxury that you’ve been able to afford a vehicle what with the economy and all.”
“I don’t mind at all really. I’ve been wanting to treat you to a memorable experience for a while.” I said.
“Oh? You shouldn’t have.”
“It’s my treat” I said.
“Ok, deal!”
Cheryl works as a florist, so, we decided to visit the old botanical garden. She says she used to go there as a kid to admire the plants, but now that it’s been abandoned she can collect samples of the flora for herself. Oh! God I’m really excited for this date! Adorning myself in a casual green shirt and burgundy cargo pants, I decide that maybe I should take up gardening, it cant hurt to try. I’m sure Cheryl would love it. After her shift ended, I drove straight to her work place. Just on time, she comes out looking absolutely rugged. Rugged yet, shining all the same. Like a rose covered in dirt yet with the prettiest shade of red. With a soft smirk she slipped into the car door, collapsing onto the leather lined car seat with a heaver sigh. Her eyes barely lifting themselves to allow for her to seem energetic.
“Long day huh?
“Huh, oh yeah, really long.” She replied.
“Yea, ha, I know how that is!”
“Mmhmm, let’s put on some music” she replied.
“That’d be nice, anyone you were thinking of?”
“I think I’ll put on some Ethel Cain” she replied.
“Who?”
So, we’re listening to Ethel Cain on our way to the greenhouse, she sings quietly to A House in Nebraska. Myself, focusing on the road, I decide that I’m going to ask her a question that has been on my mind ever since I got here. Dipping into the abandoned trail, the transition from urban city street to a more rough and patchy part of the city was quite jarring to say the least. Not the best condition which is a understatement. Pulling up to the peeling white paint of the gates of the abandoned botanical garden, a silent wind slips thought the breeze as the trees seem to croak with every whir. We make our way in, walking side by side observing the flora and occasionally collecting the beautiful foliage. It was on our way to the hill that I decided to bring up the question.
“Have you heard of the wonderland theory” I replied.
“Mmmhm, a little.”
“Any opinions?” I replied.
“I think we’re all a little crazy, maybe that’s just me but I’m a simple person.”
“If you ever found out you were trapped in your own mind, wouldn’t you want to get out?” I replied.
“Nah, not really. I like the way I am.”
“Are you happy?” I replied.
“No.”
“Do you think I’m happy” I replied.
“Yea.”
“Does me being with you bring some joy into your world?” I replied.
“Content yes, but not exactly joy.”
“Hmm, interesting!” I replied.
It was at the top of the hill that we saw it. A truly horrifying yet magnificent array of stars exploded across the canvas of the dark and bloodied reddish night sky. The reflection of the haze illuminated our clothing making us truly radiant. We were like phoenixes the way the light danced on us. It was beautiful but all she could do was stare in silence. On our way down, she motioned me to come over. She showed me a field of marigold that her mother planted when she was a wee toddler. She says that I seem to be really interested in what makes her happy, well it’s not really a happy memory so to say but the prefers nostalgia over joy apparently. A familiar feeling so to speak.
On our way back to the car, she decided to close her eyes and let me drive her home. How sullen she appeared, and yet how ethereal she really was. I want to make her feel the same joy I do. If only for a moment, maybe I can pull her out of this funk?
On the road, though looking back it probably wasn’t a sensible choice, I decide to speed up. Speeding on the road is never okay, but it was night time and my happiest memories were always on the road.
60mph now 75mph then 90mph, finally-
“Huh?” She said.
“What’s going on?” She said.
“Hey, are you…w-“
The car suddenly jolted suddenly. Metal clanking and squealing with a heavy vibrato. I think, I’m making her happy. I feel like this is a experience she won’t forget. Uh oh, the brakes just stopped working!
“Uhmm, the brakes aren’t working.”
“Are you being for real.” She said.
“Yea, uhhh, oh shit, the doors are unlocked let’s jump out together!”
“Uh, no, goodbye!” She said.
She pushed me out of the moving car, not only a millisecond later I hear an explosion. The car crashed into the willow tree. I scream out loud and try to pull her body out, but it’s been charred. No visible expression anywhere, my life was in pieces, again. I couldn’t believe it, she was really gone, in the end, I couldn’t make her happy. The only thing I could do now was honor her life.
I’ve been stopping by that marigold patch really often. The people in this town stare at me with caution and suspicion. I’m not a scary person, I just need to get out of this town.