I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Allow me to explain. I’ve recently transitioned and that’s made things so difficult for me. There are bigots and white supremacists everywhere these days. It’s made me numb to most human interaction. The only haven I have left is movie theaters.
My non-binary friends and I love movies. We try to go every week to our theater of choice because they value inclusivity. Sometimes the only time I’ll feel anything at all during a week is when I’m in the theater watching an inclusive plot or LGBT character that grips me. Stories can be so powerful.
Lately though, I’ve been overcome with emotion whether I’m at the theater or not. A lot of dread. A lot of fear. A lot of disgust.
I don’t know when it started it exactly but it had to have been in the last year. At first I thought it was a mistake. Now it’s driving me insane.
Every time I see a movie this happens. The trailers will conclude and it will be time for the actual movie to begin. There’s a cis-white male who will show up on screen when this happens.
This white man is grotesque. His face looks artificial and moves in abnormal ways. It’s like he doesn’t have control over his own facial features or is an alien pretending to be a human. This white man will ramble incoherently, then the lights will dim, he’ll vanish, and the movie will start. I’ve tried to catch what he says on numerous occasions, and the only things I’ve been able to make out are the word “magic” and something about making people cry. The way he looks, the way he moves, the way he talks, everything about him is so unsettling.
This will happen without fail every time. It’s dampened the mood of going to movies for me, and that can be a problem for someone who spends a large amount of time in isolation in a patriarchy.
I’ve started asking others about it, and this is part of why I’m losing it. Some people in my life know exactly what I’m talking about, and others don’t have a clue. I’ve asked my closest friends about this and it’s split right down the middle. It seems like only the POC and LGBT see him. I’m not a child. I wouldn’t make something like this up.
The other part, which is more concerning, is I’m not only seeing him at the theater anymore. I’ve began seeing him more and more to the point I see her every day now. He’ll pop up on magazines, television, ads on my phone, etc. You name it he’s on it, and looking at this repugnant figure day in and day out is getting to me.
The more I see of him, the more fearful I become. He looks more and more sinister with each appearance, and I think he’s dangerous. I truly think he’s come after my friends and I to mock our gender identity and take our lives.
Again, this isn’t only me. It’s happening to others I know too, to varying degrees. I wasn’t the first to see him. Ainsley was. This man kept popping up everywhere they went until one day, Ainsley vanished. Same with Makai. They cops said the disappearances were tied to seemingly casual break ins, which is of course bullshit. They just don’t care about people like us.
Ainsley and Makai had both said it started the same and progressively gets worse and worse until you see him everywhere you look. Now they are gone, and this is happening to me. None of us know what to do. We are victims, and I fear I’m next.
Imagine seeing something that repulses you everywhere you look. It being completely inescapable. It mocks your very existence in the modern world. Then you ask others about it and some know exactly what you’re talking about. Some don’t have a clue, and treat you like you belong in a padded room. How would you react?
As I type this someone is knocking on the door. I pray someone has news on my friends. Someone needs to help us before it’s too late.