He is trying to turn me mad.
He was nice to me at first. When I first met him, years ago, I thought he wanted my own good. I trusted him so much I made a pact with him. I will allow him to enter my being, to soak my soul. In return, he would grant me eternal joy. He did not fulfil his promise.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’ve lost track of time. I live in perpetual darkness. I can’t even tell you if it’s day or night outside. It has been so long.
It feeds on who I am. It takes my feelings away. It takes my memories away. Left behind is an empty shell that can barely be called human anymore. At times, I can’t even remember who I am. My entire persona is being diluted.
I can’t go outside. It won’t allow me too. It tells me people will be mean to me outside, they will look at me in disgust, they will avoid me. It tells me there is nothing good outside, that it will only leave me shaken, exhausted and afraid, that I should stay here, with him. I obey.
In the past I used to write, mainly poetry for my loved ones. Now I’ve lost all my inspiration, all my imagination. The words have stopped coming to me. It took them away from me. This is likely to be my last piece. My swansong.
There is a mirror in my prison. I avoid looking my reflection. I can barely recognize myself anymore. It is eating me from within. My skin is turning grey. I’m so exhausted. I want to sleep my life away.
I don’t know what I am fighting, but I’m losing the battle.
I don’t like to think too much about it. I know the he does not want what is best for me. I know he is a dark force, something you should avoid, something you shouldn’t be toying with, at risk of getting consumed. But I like his warmth. He comforts me in my distress. These days, I turn to him more and more often. He invites me to. My desperation causes him delight.
He is the only thing I can focus on. Everything else is blurry, clouded, hidden from my understanding. I used to have a sharp mind, to be curious, to empty entire bookshop shelves in a matter of weeks. It took that away too.
When I wake up, I am drawn to the Light. I am told to look at it. It is the last thing I see before falling asleep. It is all I want to see. It is all I have left. I keep my eyes on it hours on end. Even if it burns. Just like a moth.
The Light has no will of its own, it is but a mirror of my own thoughts and fears. The Light shows me everything I couldn’t be. It shows me people happier than me. It shows me emotions I can’t experience anymore. I cannot detach my eyes from it.
It is trying to turn me sad.
Sometimes she comes. In the past, she would come more often. I’m not sure. I can’t remember. I think I loved her at some point. I think she still loves me. I can’t reciprocate, he won’t allow me too. Now, all my love goes towards him. It hates her, and it tells me to hate her too. He says she despises me, he says she will forget about me soon, just like I forgot about her. Maybe he is right. Maybe she will stop coming.