He walked in through the window. At the moment I didn’t think much of it, but now thinking back at it, I wonder how he climbed all the way to the 4th floor. I was too scared to think then. I knew the lights flickering weren’t so normal as the weather was relatively good. Someone must have messed with the cords outside. Then they went off. I had some candles decorated here and there so I lit the place up just so I can move around.
I saw his figure standing by the window. Behind the dim candlelight I could hardly see his face, but his large figure betrayed him. I didn’t know that many people twice my size and double my weight that would just climb into my apartment at the late night hours..
“What are you doing here?” I asked, after the first moment of shock.
“Shut the f*ck up.” he said. “It’s time.”
“Time for what? What do you mean?”
He didn’t reply. He just walked to me with a swiss knife pointed to my face and pushed me to the couch. I didn’t try to fight him back; I simply sat back and looked at him, holding a knife in my face and trying to choke me with his other hand. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. This was just foreplay to us.
Then I saw: small bruised spots on his arm. Heroine.
I tried to ask but I never got to. Before I knew he had pulled me up -holding me by the neck- and tossed me on one of the chairs around the table. Put his hand over my mouth and warned me not to make a sound as he pulled out some duct tape from his pocket. He put a piece over my mouth and placed his finger on where my lips were. Signal for me to stay silent. I obeyed.
I just watched him tie me up on the chair. Wasting an entire roll of duct tape trying to make me completely immobile. He took small pauses to light a cigarette and admire his work, see how else he could tie me. I couldn’t move any part of me. This wasn’t foreplay anymore. I couldn’t think of any sex-play involving me tied like this on a chair. I just looked at him with a million questions I couldn’t speak.
“I’m sorry that I’m doing this to you.” He spoke taking a last drag from his cigarette. “I don’t know why. I want you to watch. I want to look at you.” He pulled the tape off my mouth for a moment and leaned close. I dont know if he saw it, as my candles weren’t exactly bright at that spot, but I could feel my tears burn my cheeks as I gradually realised what he was about to do.. He cupped my cheeks and kissed me as I started crying..
“Don’t cry for me. It’s not worth it.”
He looked at me with pity. Took a chair and sat himself across of me, watching my cry for a few minutes without saying anything. He carved his skin gently with his own swiss knife, creating small red lines on his veins.
He sat on the floor,
looked into my eyes
and slit his wrists.